So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

I think 'dealing' with it is secondary to finding out why she does it. She might not even know herself but something is fuelling this behaviour and that should be your first focus imo.

I read Tonz suggesting feeding her a bit more before bed.

That might be what you read but it’s not what she said, repeatedly. She clearly said if her child woke in the night and was hungry, she would feed them, while she further there are reasons she’d do that for her cHold the implication was that the OP should feed her child if they woke.

A healthy neurotypical child doesn’t need to be eating in the middle of the night and it’s not practical to do that if you have multiple children who might also wake.

Jellycatspyjamas

I agree could you imagine if all 6 woke in the night for food 🥴
It's just not possible and not something I'm willing to do, after 3 good meals a day and a varied balance of snacks throughout the day and before bed, I don't see any need for any of them to be needing to eat during the night. Which is why I'm trying to work out a solution to this.
Thanks for your comments

Of course it's stealing. Odd that anyone would suggest otherwise.

The step mother haters are out in force, OP, ignore them. It's an unfortunate thing that happens on MN. Very weird people.

I'd get a lockable box and a padlock for now, until you're able to get to the root of what's up.

My 9 yo and 7 yo were stealing food and yes I called it stealing because they are taking the share of other people. I stopped buying biscuits/crisps for the house. So unhealthy and bad for their teeth as happening after they brushed them.

Meant to say, when they were no treats it stopped. Even although there were snacky things like babybels/ apples/ bananas/ crackers which they'd happily eat during the day. It was only the snackbars/ biscuits/ crisps it was worth sneaking downstairs for. So in my case it was def. greediness/ a bit of a thrill rather than waking up hungry.

@Jellycatspyjamas I said that's what I did With My child not once did I say that's what she should do. If u can find a message that says otherwise do share it. Twice I said that feeding her more before bed may help if u care to look back. Fuck sake are u really incapable of reading properly

@Jellycatspyjamas That may be the implication u got ftom it but not what I read. More so that she may be genuinely hungry than taking food just for the sake of it and sharing what worked for her. I found her supportive of the op actually because she herself knows what it's like to have a child who wakes at night wanting food. Op also said herself she would try giving more food before bed like tonz and other Pps suggested.
I was a healthy neurotypical and I definitely did have to eat at night I would wake up hungry and couldn't go back to sleep which is why my mum made up a sandwich and Apple in the fridge for me. I see tons also said she agreed treats are not suitable to snack on at night.

I used to do this. It was comfort eating combined with a cry for help.
My cry for help was met with being told off. No one tried to find out what my motivation was. I learned to distance myself from the rest of the family. I also learned that food was a comfort that would always make me feel better.

OP, you sound full of love. You sound stretched but capable. And determined to help your DSD.

But I think you're underestimating the huge turmoil your DSD has been through.
Divorced parents
New siblings
New stepmother
Moving away from mother who is now distant
Changing school?
Going from being the eldest or youngest to one of 6
lockdown
Being separated from other siblings

That's a lot for a 9yo to deal with. Many will go through these sorts of troubles without scars. Many will not, they will need extra support.

I disagree with the term stealing. She should be spoken to about the midnight food from a health perspective, not a 'naughty' angle. But you are fixed that this is non negotiable which is your choice.

Ultimately, I'm so pleased you are going to get help for her. She sounds 'safe' in your arms.

@overworkedandstressed Thanks for trying to clear that up but some people only see what they want to see. I suspect trying to explain to@Jellycatspyjamas would be like pouring water in a holey bucket.
@Gazelda you make really good points. I also disagreed with the stealing food thing but if that's how the op sees it then that's up to her.
Op the fact that u are going to get help for ur stepdaughter shows u do care about her well being and hopefully u can get to the bottom of her night time eating. Good luck

Sodasloth
How dare u make an assumption like that about me!
If anyone is awful it's your for being so rude and making such a horrible remark on someone you clearly know nothing about! Maybe you should try reading the whole thread and see that I'm far from awful and I love those kids 😡

There is something underlying this that needs to be uncovered. I did similar as a prepubescent youngster. My emotionally tongue-tied parents dealt with it by putting padlocked chains around the food cupboard and and fridge, I learned to ease open the links of the chain. Still they didn't talk to me about it. Now I have an eating disorder and am morbidly obese.

Does your step daughter do a lot of physical activity? At her age, I did ballet, gymnastics and swam (for leisure) about 3/4 times a week, I was never still! I also had growth spurts and was reaching puberty by 11. I mention this, as it all made me have a huge appetite! We ate our evening meal quite early 5.30on but we then had supper around 8.30/9, which was toast, bread & jam or cake and cup of tea. I was never hungry during the night. I was also slim as a pencil!
Maybe her body is starting to change and she doesn’t know how to mention it? Perhaps some ‘girls together’ time, just the 2 of you might help bring on anything she wants to tell you? Good luck to you both x

Has she got thread worms OP

@Fluffybutter I have had my child to the Dr's and he is healthy just sometimes he gets hungry at night. He is autistic and takes melatonin to help him sleep but if he wakes hungry then yes I will feed him. The alternative is to leave him awake and hungry in bed and he'd be murder at school the next day. My other children would also get food if they woke hungry, they dont tend to though. If I woke up hungry I'd go get something as well. I don't think it's absurd I think it would be more absurd to leave him hungry

@tonz. Sorry I must have missed some alternate hidden meaning or was this not you?

You’ve no idea what “trying to explain” to me would be like - on plain reading of your post you clearly say you’d feed your kids if they woke in the night. Unless you meant something different.

Got to the end of this thread and don't understand why you haven't just asked her why she takes them.

I think that does say something about your relationship to be honest, it's the first thing you and her dad should do....

Okay. I am a night snacker and have been for years. I have also taken food in the middle of the night when living with my husbands family. It’s a security thing... a worry about having enough, a way of comforting yourself. I still do it when stressed though have been trying not to as it’s not healthy. I would say that it’s an eating disorder of sorts with me... and maybe step daughter too? Night eating whilst asleep is also a thing... I have a son who does that... definitely would not consider this stealing though... hope you can work things out... can’t be easy...

With 6 kids I'd wonder if they are having midnight feasts on biscuits and she's just taking the rap for the others.

If it's not that, it's so hard to eat 5 pkts of biscuits I'd wonder if she's stashing them somewhere like a squirrel. If that's the case you've got more to worry about than "stealing".

Sorry OP, but I wouldn't use the term "stealing" either. I understand where you are coming from, but its just too loaded for an obviously unsettled little girl.

I think she needs some control over something, and so I think snack boxes would work well. She probably wouldn't actually "steal" from someone else's snackbox, as it would be obvious that she was taking from someone, whereas at just 9, she probably hasn't worked out that is what she is doing when she takes more than her fair share from the cupboard.

I'd probably give all the children 1 snack per 1 year of their age per week into their snack box, and keep all other snack foods hidden/locked away. I'd expect stuff like fruit or toast to be fairly free for all.

The bit about her doing chores does sound like she feels she has to be a people pleaser to get your attention. Next time she joins you in doing chores, down tools and give her a hug, and say "It's lovely spending time with you - let's do something fun instead!" and give her some one on one doing child centred activities instead.

I think its clear that you are a good mum and love her, but I don't think you are picking up on her cries for help, probably because your own children don't have the same baggage, and you are applying the same rules to this little girl as you would to your own who haven't had the trauma and change that she has.

Good luck!

Yes @Jellycatspyjamas. I thought we had covered that a while ago. I would feed MINE in the night. Where does it say OP should be up and feeding her six children at night. Are u usually this dense.? I also said my other two don't tend to wake up at night but if they did I would feed them also. Would it be fair to feed one because he is Autistic and let the other 2 starve. Also post was a reply to flufybutter not op so again where was that me telling her to get up and feed her 6 kids. You won't find a post saying that no matter how hard u try as there isn't one. How desperate are u to prove a point that isn't true. Bored in lockdown are we. Yawn

Tonz
I know what you meant.

Mrsm

You might be slightly correct with that theory, it has been hard for me to adjust to the children's ways because I probably have been very set in my ways and I am very conscious of the fact they've had a very different start to life than my own children, but I'm sympathetic to that and I do make extra effort to make them feel even more safe and secure and also to make allowances for that. But I have to be fair to ALL the children, mine included so therefore have to have the same rules and keep it consistent for them all. Otherwise there would just be resentment on my children's part if they seen others being treated differently.

Also to a PP we have spoke to her and asked why she does it she just says she doesn't know.

@Tonz
yup the bucket is holey and nothing's going in
@Jellycatspyjamas ..all that proves is she feeds her autistic son at night because otherwise he wouldn't go back to sleep and struggle at school next day!! It would be unfair not to feed her other kids of they woke up. No mention of Op getting up and feeding one never mind six of her kids. It wasn't even directed at op it's a reply to a comment made by someone else.
Idiot

Jesus Christ you lot are nuts! Do you think every action anyone does is about a trauma, emotional issue, not being loved enough blah blah...

The kid is taking food without asking and not caring that she's not being fair - she's being selfish and greedy. It is bloody well stealing and i get pissed off with it in my own house.

The other day for example i was making a recipe (a tagine) I had bought dried apricots for it and they were in the cupboard, I went to get them - gone. I was cross, of course i was. Just because food is in the house, doesn't mean it is a free for all for anybody to have at anytime. Especially if you're having to queue for half an hour just to get into a supermarket!

After queuing, spending more on food than normal as everyones at home, (3 teenage boys) if i buy a 6 pack of Penguins or whatever and find them all gone and eaten by only one boy a short time later, then yes that is stealing food and i would be (and have been) fucked off about it.

You lot have ZERO insight or real idea about the OPs situation, her family dynamic or anything at all really. YOU DON'T KNOW HER ffs. So quit the armchair, holier than though, psychology bollocks and look at the issue of her step-daughter nicking food.

OP tell her off! Its discipline that's needed not a fucking counsellor. OMG. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

@MrsL1123
I feel we have the same problem actually. I have to let my son eat because he won't go back to sleep. An autistic child can go off like a gun when not happy but I have to do the same for my other two for fairness.
You can't keep letting one of your children carry on like this because it's not fair on the other five. We just deal with it differently I'm certainly not having a pop at you in regards to that. I was a bit miffed at the stealing but if that is your position on it then its your house and your rules.
I really hope you get to the bottem as to why your daughter does this and then you can deal with it to what is suitable to your house. Just like I deal with it the way it best suits mine.