So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

Who do you ask when you want a snack?

So, to be clear, it is those mini biscuit packets 20-30gr? and you come here about that? I thought it was a child taking money from your purse or stealing at a friend's house.
Do you measure the milk in the fridge as well with a sharpie?

So if she is " stealing" food, you are therefor the food "police" . Must be fun to live in your house. And you ask about punishment, really?

Talk to her about why she needs it and talk to her junk food addiction and the impact on the body. And maybe stop buying them.

@Pukkatea you sound exactly like me. My mum could never understand why I did it but never ever called me greedy for it. I was at the Drs a few times trying to work out why. When the Dr told my mum it was just the way I was she just accepted it. Reading some posts on here has just made me respect my mum more. She used to make me a sandwich before she went to bed wrap it and leave it on a plate with an Apple so it wasn't junk I ate. Said she didn't mind it took 5 minutes out of her night. For me I just couldn't go 8-9 hours without food. None of my siblings did this just me. I was and still am tall and thin. Thank goodness my mum had understanding of her child and never tried to make me feel bad. Starting to see mum is one in a million

I'm actually up right now having toast and beans. My dh finds it strange but says hed rather I ate if I was hungry than lie in bed not able to sleep.

@caringcarer

She has a house with 8 people living in it, she needs to know what food is in and isn't. If 8 people could free for all in everything, it could be a bloody nightmare.

Just imagine if you had done meal plans and budgeted for things, to find out that when you want to make that macaroni Cheese for dinner, the cheese is all gone, or you go to make the packed lunches and there's only 4 slices of bread left... or you buy a pack of 8 mars bars, with the intention that each person has 1 each, and you go get yours, and they've all gone, and it turns out that Sam ate 4, and you have the others kids moaning at you that they didn't get theirs...

Sometimes it's prudent to have kids ask/check if it's okay to have something.

@caringgiver

I'm an adult so don't need to ask anyone for a snack! If u RTFT u will see that I've said many times now I'm not going to change the rules in my house just because some random on here has decided my parenting and my rules isn't something they agree with, the rules about asking for food won't be changing! I had the same rules from my mother when I was a child and I'm not damaged or mentally scarred I've grown up with respect and understanding that you have to have manners and ask for things. I'm not about to debate about this anymore!
I came here to get advice and support not be judged and have do gooders try and get me to change my ways.

@ClareBlue

Part time working mum? Is that what you mean? If so not sure how that's relevant?

I hate to think that there is anything underlying making her do this but to be honest I'm not sure there is.

There most likely really is. If you say she's likely not hungry as she's well fed, then the only other reason for taking food is an "underlying" reason is it not?

The child has experienced a major trauma in her life. I'm sure you're a wonderful stepmum OP but that doesn't negate the trauma. Just because it may not be a "big" trauma (in the abuse sense of the word) it is still a huge deal for a child to have lost her mum in this manner.

She needs help, not punishment. You and your DH need to read up on the effects of trauma on the developing brain or seek professional help. I'd arrange counseling for DD regardless.

Good luck

@overworkedandstressed Your DM sounds lovely leaving you a sandwich.
OP you've heard it all here go easy of the DC you've no idea what she feels inside.
I'd leave her out a sandwich a banana with a small sweet treat then I'd bring her to a professional just incase she has hidden trauma. Poor kid.

Yes I've heard it all some lovely suggestions and others are just ridiculous.
I do "go easy" on her and always have done I'm not the big bad guy that most of u think.
But I cant and won't encourage any of my children to wake up in the night to eat though as IMO I don't think it's a healthy thing to start!
If it turns out that this continues happening then I might have to reassess that but for now the eating during the night isn't going to be a thing

You came on a thread named "AIBU" and now you're demanding to "not be judged". Have a word with yourself.

I have to agree with previous posters that this isn’t about the biscuits. A 9-year-old who can eat 3-4 packages of biscuits per night and gain no weight, at a time when our metabolisms are usually the slowest, needs to see a GP and have some blood work. The fact that she’s going for all the biscuits also points to this being some kind of hunger/metabolism issue (precocious puberty even?). IF she was gaining weight, I might be much more likely to agree it could involve an underlying issue like comfort eating, but since she’s not, I would really consider this from a health standpoint.

Also, since she’s 9, she must be starting to reach the point where anything that makes her different is uncomfortable or embarrassing, so this may be more about “hiding” an issue rather than stealing. Perhaps sit her down during your one on one time, tell her that you’re going to take her to see the doctor because she needs to eat so many biscuits at night to feel full, and maybe some truths will tumble out before you need to make the GP call. If they don’t, then at least you’ll know you’re being proactive.

Also, this is unfortunately not too young for an eating disorder. If the biscuits are disappearing but she’s not gaining weight, binging and purging is a possibility. I would really check these things out before I worried about stealing. Once they’re ruled out, I think only then can you proceed to treat it like a normal punishment situation.

@RedKite96
Have a word with myself 😂😂😂
The amount of aggressive posters on here has really opened my eyes to have many awful people there are in this world!! Not one of u have any clue about me as a person or more importantly as a mother!! Just because I've posted here that doesn't give anyone the right to judge me!! Why does it?? How can U judge me as a mother or a person based on a few replies on a post when u know absolutely nothing about me!

You don't sound like a bad mum at all Op. You will get there with your stepdaughter eventually

Thank you @overworkedandstressed

We are calling doctors today just to rule anything else out and will take it from there 💕

Just imagine if you had done meal plans and budgeted for things, to find out that when you want to make that macaroni Cheese for dinner, the cheese is all gone, or you go to make the packed lunches and there's only 4 slices of bread left... or you buy a pack of 8 mars bars, with the intention that each person has 1 each, and you go get yours, and they've all gone, and it turns out that Sam ate 4, and you have the others kids moaning at you that they didn't get theirs*

This is how it used to be in my house. Kids would help themselves to contents of the fridge on shopping day. We were on a VERY tight budget when they were small - single mum of five, two at home, no childcare, no job... it was desperate. I'd buy in enough (I thought) to get us through and then go to the fridge to find they'd eaten all the yoghurt, all the cold meat, and most of the cheese in one day that was meant to last a week.

They had access to fruit and bread to fill up on, but they'd rather have the 'high value' food. I tried to get it over to them that we didn't have the money to replace the food, but they'd rather have one day of stuffing themselves with all the nice stuff, than eke it out over the week.

None of them have eating orders now they are adult, by the way. It was purely competitive eating, so that nobody else could have the stuff they wanted.

You sound lovely OP.
Ignore all the silly posts.
Its not acceptable for her to do this, she knows that which is why she is sneaking down at night !

Honestly the way people talk you would think everyone is starving when in fact half the country are over weight binge eaters and drinkers .
The snack box idea is good, they choose their snacks for the week with a few extra.
Allow her control over where/when she has them but once they are gone , they are gone.
Obviously if she continues and takes from others then there will be consequences.

@MrsL1123 Well done for standing up against some of these posters. I hope you manage to work things out. You sound really lovely and a good mum tbh. Looking after a family of 8 must be bloody hard work! 😊

It just that a thread was running at exactly the same time about PTWM and it was strange the cross over posts. 6 children, 2 of them step children, really bizarre coincidence s, but obviously not a serious comment as you don't really sound like her, thankfully, as one is enough.
Whilst I wouldn't call it stealing either, I can completely see your point if you have bought food for a large family and this happens. You do say yourself that the situation with the bio mum might cause emotional problems in the future. Maybe this is the future. With daughters I am over sensitive to issues around food and emotional connection, but this of course might just be bad behaviour. Good luck on getting to the bottom of it. In anybody's book, to provide a secure loving family for 6 children in blended situation is an achievement.

Nowt worse that going for something to see it’s been snaffled away by someone in the house. We have always had an unspoken rule that you check something isn’t earmarked before taking it. It’s not asking permission but more about respect and not greedily eating anything you fancy

Was that the username? I'll have to look for that post?
Definately not me 😂 I've never posted on here before about the children or our situation..

@ClareBlue
I thought u was asking if I worked part time 😂😂😂 was so confused

It was someone complaing that PTWM
was using a funeral to boost their social media account following and when I went to check the insta account she has 6 children, two of who are step children and was talking about feeding them and running the house.