To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

OP I'm so sorry you've got all this on your plate. If you explain to your husband that your both entitled to the same amount of downtime, rather than focusing on who does what and when, he might realise you're being rwasinalv wnad start to pick up the slack around the house and with childcare, cooking etc. Fingers crossed you can get DS1 into school for a few days a week ongoing.

I suspect willashton is either very bitter or very jealous of sahms.

Can toddler have a holiday with a relative or friend. Probably breaking the sodding rules but this life is not good for him.

Well done OP. I hope things feel more breathable in future.

The SAHP critics are just showing their ignorance of what caring for a child with ASD entails.

It's interesting you cook/clean etc on weekends. I thought that SAHP usually do this stuff during the working week and at weekends it's shared. This should certainly be the case during lockdown when you'll be up and alert for well beyond an 8hr working day. I'd definitely expect help outside of 9-5, especially as there seems to be a 2hr window for doing fuck all having a creative walk.

Good luck OP, I wish you many hot cups of tea you deserve, sipped at leisure

@SweetPetrichor glad you pushed for help, and glad you and DH are making headway

Glad to read that you may be getting a tiny bit of respite from the school and the childminder.
Ignore the likes of WillAshton and SweetPetrichor, they are being dicks

Sounds promising op. Get a calendar and put a big red x on every day that you hear dh shout at the kids or you. Put a green circle on every day he does something for the family apart from work. See how it looks after a month.

It sounds to me as though your dh is ignoring the fact of your ds's diagnosis. I used to organise respite care and have heard some heartbreaking stories. So you have my sympathy for your situation.

Would it assist you to get a dr's letter as a backup for your need for respite. What Willashton doesn't appreciate is the toll this has on family life, you can't contemplate a holiday, get a baby sitter in, have friends round to dinner. Then there is the physical handling of a growing child. it's damned hard and not very rewarding. I hope you can get some help with getting your dh on board, especially to give the little one some one to one time that you just don't have the time to do. That's hard because you're both missing out on one to one time and fun.

I haven't had a holiday, been out or had friends over to dinner in over three years

I haven't had a holiday, been out or had friends over to dinner in over three years

What about those few hours a week you get when they're at school or childcare...you must be living the dream during that time op?..I'm sure you're not busy catching up with housework, doing laundry, repairing the damage caused to your home, doing household admin or arranging medical appointments for your dc.

I'm struggling today. I'm seeing so much behaviour that I can't excuse any more and I can't face calling him out on it. This afternoon while the toddler napped, the older DC fell asleep and I sat downstairs and watched an episode of a tv show I like.

Later today I was told that he had 'given' me that time. I said 'But the kids were both asleep?'
'Yes but I was listening out for them (reading)'

I didn't have the energy to challenge further. That hour wasn't his to grant me.

I don't know how to escape this without escaping him. And I don't know what's manipulation or abuse. I'm just so confused.

DC lost a toy. I looked for it for ten minutes. Turned upstairs upside down and back again. Couldn't find it. DH saw it last so I asked him if he could have a look, came upstairs and said 'Oh you're just done looking are you?' muttering ('fuck's sake') before finding it in a place I wouldn't have thought to look.

I just wanted his help because I knew he'd seen it. I can't let my daughter see him treat me like this can I?

No, you can't. You really, really cannot. Its not fair on you, or her, or your son.

I don't know how to talk to him about this. He's never going to get it. And he's never going to leave.

I don't have any ducks to get in a row. I have nothing. I have a current account in my name with £750 in it.

I think you should call SS and ask about respite foster caring to give you a break from your 5yo for your MH. To be able to take care of your children you need to also take care of yourself. If your husband has a problem with it then he can take over all child care for your 5yo

You sound like an exhausted, hard working mum who is trying her best in a pretty impossible situation

Your DH sounds like an utter waste of space. I think you can give a little bit of understanding that he earn the money, that it’s a stressful time, they he has that responsibility.

But your relationship is not balanced. It isn’t about who earns the most, who does the most of xyz, it’s about finding a balance where both people are happy. Sometimes I do more childcare, sometimes my husband does, sometimes work is busier for him, sometimes me. Sometimes you can be less busy but more tired, and need a break. When you love and respect someone you give that. It doesn’t sound like he’s treating you with any respect at all.

Christ , I was in your situation, as I said up thread my DH went part time, as did I, and then took early retirement (and no, not on any benefits!) in order to support our family with our DS so we could cope with DS ASD behaviour.
Which is what supportive spouses do.
Please call SS, and be honest about everything. Especially the behaviour of your H

How is he trying to argue that he was looking after the kids and giving you a break while they were asleep? That doesn't count!

Out of interest, does he have time with his friends etc?

You may have some ducks, OP.

Do you own your home? Are you part of your husband's business?

Do you have any family around?

Do you have equal access to the family money? Can you spend money without asking his permission , or without him getting angry if you do spend money, on reasonable family expenditure that you decide?

Sorry you’re having such a tough time OP. I wouldn’t make any big decisions right now, you’re probably exhausted and won’t be able to think things through and could end up in a bigger mess.

You’ve said (I think, sorry, did read most of the thread but not today) that your older DC will be able to get some time at school shortly? Did you say your little one can have a bit of time at nursery too? Although it’s still a long way from ideal, will that get you some time to yourself? You’re obviously in a really difficult situation and being run ragged.

Short term survival strategies - cut back on as much housework as you can. Ready meals/takeaways in the short term? It means less washing up too. Nobody will die if the floor doesn’t get vacuumed either (trust me - mines appealing at the moment and though I hate it, my 3yo doesn’t bat an eyelid!), or if the bed sheets get washed less often. I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms since lockdown. Cut it right back to bare necessities to get you through this.

Your DH is being a selfish prick. I don’t know if that’s a short term issue (stressed with work, feels he can’t take on anything extra so dumps it all on you) or long term shittyness. People are reacting to Covid in lots of different ways, some of them are damaging to those around them. Even if long term he is a bit crap, that may be something you’re ok with (everyone has flaws! I’m crap at some things but my DH loves me anyway). Or it may be that you’re not and you’ll need to be making some long term changes. But right now, I think that would take extra headspace, so personally wouldn’t make any big changes right now.

If you’re going to push an issue with him, I agree with those that have said it’s not about what he does, it’s about whether you both get a reasonable amount of free time. Focus on this one issue, and try not to let the conversation get side tracked/pulled into a blame game. Can you schedule time that he takes one/both of the kids out? Equally, schedule him some protected “down time” (I bet he gets plenty anyway, but you have to make it clear you’re not asking for anything that you aren’t offering to him) where he is guaranteed not to be interrupted.

Sorry this is so tough for you. Lockdown won’t last forever, you will be able to get back to a place where both your DC have childcare and you’ll be able to get some time to decompress.

OP, its' Sunday.

Leave the house. Just leave.

Drive/walk/cycle just leave and tell him he can sort his own kids for the day since he is intentionally refusing to get it.

Or tomorrow. Bank HOliday Monday. Take the whole day. Get up early, get dressed and only alert him to the fact that you're done for the day when you're sure he can't stop you.

Tell him he can do everything you would normally do since he seems to think it's all easy enough and not a job that requires breaks. So he should be just fine.

OP do you think it's possible that your husband is also autistic? Even if not diagnosed at present?

Asking because the right way to communicate with him to resolve this (if it's possible) might change depending on that.