To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

Oh okay, so six hours of nursery, or eight hours of nursery, so part time nursery.

That's still a lot of time to yourself if you're a stay at home mum with no kids at home at that time. And it's quite a lot more time than the two hours the full time worker is spending on a walk.

I'd suggest that it's nothing to do with needs or disabilities, which you're wrong to say I don't understand. It's just a massive shock to the system because usually you aren't doing this full time.

Again, though, repeating that you're (usually) a full time carer doesn't make sense if it's school normally providing the care for the child out of the home all week at school.

Ffs sake.. With a high needs child there are endless appointments, calls into school, additional 'stuff' that simply doesnt allow paid work. I doubt the op can getich housework done with her kids at home so her time in the home without them will. No doubt be spent doing that, clearing up the bombsite, trying to preempt problems. What possible job outside of the home that pays worth a damn would she be able to do and why would that somehow make her less 'wrong' in this situation?

Stop the 'does he pitch in to help' crap.

The question is Does he do his share of chores and care of his children.

@WillAshton nursery had eldest for around 1170 hours a year. Op has her 7566 plus gank holidays, teacher training, sickness and appts. That's equivalent to less than 3.5 hours out of 24 over a full year. You don't think someone who cars for someone on average 20.5 hours a day is full time??

She HAD 8 hours max away from both kids for 6 months max minus 6 weeks of holidays during which she also f for all the house stuff she couldn't with the kids there, so hardly supping bilinins off Chris Hemsworths torso. Ops partner meanwhile gets 10 hours a week to sit outside and relax as well as getting all good cooking and most of his cleaning done

Yes op is definitely the one having it easy

WillAshton, why are you talking about what things were like in their house BEFORE lockdown when what OP is struggling with is how things are NOW?

Seriously. You need to wind your neck in. You’re showing yourself up.

@WillAshton - the OP is a full-time carer as far as the DWP is concerned.

I’m speaking for myself here, but when I wasn’t working and DD was at nursery, I still had almost no time to myself - there was so much admin to do and housework to catch up with because it’s impossible to get anything done while DD is around. Living with a child with severe additional needs is nothing like living with a child without a disability. I certainly wasn’t lolling around sipping pink drinks.

This is a red herring anyway. Just because the OP doesn’t usually have to deal with such a relentless childcare load doesn’t mean it’s just a case of upping her game and getting over it. Her DS sounds similar to my DD in terms of behaviour and it’s really fucking hard. You spend your days in a state of permanent alert and anxiety. It’s physically and emotionally draining.

I've not read the other posts but your child is absolutely entitled to a school place. I suspect the LA has fobbed you off. Go back to them put in official complaints, contact your MP etc

I'm in the same position but my child has been to school throughout.

What will be enough for you to be able to cope? Would it be, say, a full day “off” each week and having him do half the evenings? If so, that’s how you lay it out and importantly you do not step in or tell him how to parent during those times. He will find his own rhythm and techniques with the children and you will get your time off. The worst thing is if you start micro managing the childcare at all times so avoid that temptation.

I agree. Get up tomorrow when he does, get dressed, and tell him you're going on your creative 2 hour walk and he's in charge until you get back. He can start work when you do

Did you miss the part they are reliant on his salary? Most folks can’t just front up for work two hours late. I’m fairly sure him losing his job isn’t going to make their lives better.

Op in the evenings you need to share responsibility. Are you sure he is sitting skiving in his office and could come help? Does he really go for two hour walks? If so it sounds like he is avoidant and also can’t cope.

I do think there is an argument for calling social services if you and your husband are unable to cope. Which it seems is the case. You’re both not coping, him being avoidant and you trying to deal with the issues. It’s not working.

Social services are there to help support you during times like this.

Crickey, this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I do get your DHs POV (sometimes you can’t just ignore work, and putting your foot down might have long term financial consequences, so it’s not in the family’s interests), but your situation sounds impossible!

Can you keep pestering your LA to sort out some school days for your 5yo? Surely he must be entitled to some time? You do sound like you desperately need a break. Or will he not be back in school from 1st June anyway? (Guessing from his age)

Your DH does definitely need to step it up with housework in the evenings/weekends. If you were a SAHM, but your kids are both out at childcare for some days/parts of some days, it’s reasonable for you to take more of that burden (not necessarily 100% though!), but at the moment that isn’t the case. Either it’s hard, and he needs to understand it’s hard for you, or it isn’t and he can do it.

@AriadnesFilament

*WillAshton, why are you talking about what things were like in their house BEFORE lockdown when what OP is struggling with is how things are NOW?

Seriously. You need to wind your neck in. You’re showing yourself up.*

I don't need to do anything on your advice. The OP has referred to what it was like before. She did so in her opening post about being a SAHM, school, nursery etc.

And my very clear point is that the problem is she's got them both all day now instead of the break of about ten hours a week she broke down for us. She didn't think it was many hours of respite for having to be the main carer and up in the night etc. Interestingly, she said term time weekdays specifically to make it seem less. The first term in the school year is 15 weeks. The next half term was 4-6 for most schools before lockdown. That's about twenty weeks of ten hours of me time. Lockdown has been seven term time weeks so far and we've only heard about one creative walk.

I still think it's a case of things have just got tougher and that doesn't necessarily mean someone else should book annual leave to give her a holiday.

@WillAshton

How much have you had to do with children with disabilities?

Anything?

That's about twenty weeks of ten hours of me time. where me time includes doing he housework she by so with a baby at home, and hopefully catching some rest to make up for 5 years of broken sleep. I'll bet the DH sleeps through

She's on call every night though, isn't she? So we could now add up the daily 6-8 hours of me time he's had, sleeping...

@EKGEMS Well you're truly delightful. I had an opinion and you think it's becoming of you to speak to someone else like that.

When you don't feel the need to resort to rude demands despite no real argument, I might bother to listen to you.

You're delightful WillAshton picking apart and analyzing this poor mother's posted times and implying she relies on others outside the home to provide care-have you EVER provided care for a special needs child before? Do you have a clue how hard that is? Your posts reveal ignorance

That's about twenty weeks of ten hours of me time

No, it certainly isn't. If you have any experience of having a child with SN, you will know that vast swathes of any time you have on your own is spent sorting out appointments, arranging therapies, collecting prescriptions, chasing up reports, dealing with EHCP and care applications, investigating nurseries and schools, attending meetings ... and that's before you factor in things like dealing with those calls from school when your child is having a bad day. And all of the time you are doing that in a fog of tiredness if you are being woken several times during the night.

If you think that's "me time" you are living in a fantasy world

Life is hard for us all at the moment. Can you stop laying into the op for being a sahp who needs a break!?!?!

WillAshton You are right I'm not "special" because I'm a special needs mother I'm a damn wonderful mother of a special needs child because I recognize when I'm at my limit with my child and need a break and I can recognize that in my husband as well-this poor woman is caring for her children,her husband and running their house 24/7 without respite-are you even going to answer the question you've been asked repeatedly on this thread? Do you understand the burden of caring for a special needs child? It is far more difficult than a neuro typical child and if you don't understand that then you're a very privileged and privileged parent but a piss poor human as judged by everyone else on this thread calling you out

I just stated my opinion that it's just harder than she's used to and that's not her husbands fault. it isn't ANYONES fault, but it is their SHARED responsibility to deal with and he's shirking his half.
You also seem desperate to prove op isn't REALLY a sahp, she's just sitting around every day living a life of Riley.

I can't work if you sound bitter because you think you had /have it harder with your own child with SN, or just dismissive of having no significant break from raising a SN child

"You're a very privileged parent and a piss poor human if you don't recognize the difficulty of a special needs child vs a neuro typical child"

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese laying into the OP? If you think the simple facts she shared being repeated back with a broadly different opinion from the people all nodding along is 'laying in', you're going to spend forever offended. My point really is that it's harder for everyone at the moment. I'm not being cruel by not joining in to offer my sympathy.

@EKGEMS I don't care if you disagree with me. And others apparently 'calling me out' doesn't change my opinion. In any situation, nevermind an anonymous forum, a huge group of people all backing each other up can be wrong, deluded or just stupid, but successfully reinforce their assertion that they're right.

I don't have to answer your questions. You didn't feel the need to come back on how all you do is join in slagging off people's husbands.

Show him this thread.
Get your child in school.
If he won’t discuss when you can take a break then just leave the house for several hours eac day until he agrees to a reasonable compromise.

And call social services if you need to. Hopefully that will make him realise the severity of this.

IGNORE the ignorant posters on the SAHM issue, it’s totally irrelevant anyway.