To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

I feel for you OP, but unless your DH has shown selfish dickish tendencies before, I'd say what's most likely happening here is that he's suffering extreme anxiety about his business at the moment, and is terrified that unless he works all hours God sends, it's going to go under and leave you all homeless and starving.

This doesn't excuse his selfish behaviour, but it would explain the defensiveness and angry outbursts. These are scary times for all of us, and if you're all dependent on his income, that's a lot of pressure. The need to 'provide' is deeply ingrained in a lot of men, and for some, it's the only way they feel able to show love. They can be utterly blind to the fact that sometimes their partners need them to step up in different ways. And when you're under a lot of stress too, it's all too easy for BOTH people to get so wrapped up in their own stresses that they fail to understand what their partner is going through.

Speaking as someone whose own marriage broke up over this kind of issue, what you need to do (which I didn't) is to communicate. Try to find a day or time when it's not been too bad, you've had a decent amount of sleep etc, and really talk about what's stressing you out - both of you. As unemotionally as possible. Be specific about what you need and why. Listen to him as well, but don't let it turn into the 'stress Olympics' where you're arguing about who's having the hardest time of it (spoiler: it's you, but telling him that will probably only cause him to double down). If he refuses to talk about it or won't listen, then yeah he's being a dick, but you should try, and just saying 'I need a day off from this' won't be enough.

Good luck.

The weekends should be your shared time - does he help then?
If you're the SAHM then I'd assume you did the washing/cleaning/household chores...that's kinda the point. If we went back 100 years then yes, that would be a fulltime job but now it's a pretty easy life. He shouldn't have to take time off to do your job. He's the one actually providing for the family!

Tell the lazy fucker you are going to call social services to help give you some more support because you can't do it all on your own as a single parent. That might get him to realise just how difficult you are finding it. And let him try to argue that you aren't a single parent, because from everything you've written, it's in no way an argument he can win. You seriously need to think whether or not this is "good enough" for yourself and young children because you deserve so much better. Even being alone you'd be better off by the sounds of things.

@SweetPetrichor

Did you even read the thread?

As for the comment that he's working....well so what? If he was a single childless man he'd still have a full time job wouldn't he? It's not like by working full time he's making a huge sacrifice or doing anything unusual

Yep, read the thread and its just another 'SAHM' doesn't want to do the actual role of SAHM...while expecting husband to earn the money. Pretty simple

Except she has a child with such severe special needs she qualifies for carers allowance and he's in a special school.

Hope that helps.

You don’t just need a day off, you need to rethink the whole balance of responsibilities and workloads between you and the husband in the long term.

The starting point needs to be that you are both entitled to the same amount of time ‘off’ during the course of 7 days. As in time off from work, be it paid or unpaid. With two kids, one of which has additional needs, this may only add up to an hour or whatever each day, but the burden has to be shared equally.

The fact that so many women live in situations where this doesn’t happen, and the most they can hope for aspire to is having one day off is so depressing.

And if he’s not willing to rethink the balance of responsibility, you have some tough decisions to make

ok his job is vitally important for your financial security but he can only do this with you helping him by looking after the child. At the moment you are at breaking point and he needs to see the deck of cards will fall if he does not help you.

can he walk the toddler in a push chair as his creative walk?

He can take the five year old on the two fucking hour creative fucking walk

@SweetPetrichor I actually kind of hope you’re a troll because I would like to think that nobody is that pigheaded and heartless

SweetPetrichor You have no clue what it's like to be a parent to a severely disabled child you heartless beast

OP wow that sounds tough. As your 5yr old has an EHC plan I think the school have an obligation to currently provide care for him as he is classed as a vulnerable child. I would contact them today and INSIST he returns tomorrow. Explain they have a requirement under the current lockdown conditions and that you and your DS are not coping. Then I would have a long talk with DH about the future and how you cannot go on without support. Best of luck.

@BlueSuffragette The government changed its guidance slightly after the initial announcement. Schools are required to do a risk assessment of whether a child with an EHCP can safely stay at home and are no longer obliged to take them as a matter of course.
OP, definitely go back to the school but stress the risk to DS if you end up breaking down with exhaustion.

Ok, didn't know that, but hopefully the OP could use her lack of coping to ask them to do a risk assessment and allow her son to start to attend again.

At the special needs school my son attends they classify children into 3 categories based on need. Those in the highest category (including key worker children) attend full time, those in the middle category attend 2 days a week and everyone else is kept at home. This will still be the case in June as the school does not have the staff or the space to keep all safe. Currently 14 of the 55 on role attend and the school plans to increase this to 22 by June.

Another issue is the school transport. The school is 45 min away from us which means 3 hours drive a day (2 round trips). My son would usually have a taxi and escort but I felt the risk of this was too high as taxi drivers have the highest incidence of covid, it is a closed environment and I do not know where the taxi has been or if it has been cleaned prior to my using it. Like many with asd my son is sensory seeking and puts everything in his mouth which is another concern.

Sending a children with an ehcp to school is not as straightforward as some are suggesting.

Thought I would update, called DS's school and spoke to the head and they've agreed he can do a day a week from half term onwards. Seems like a tiny amount but it will just give me a chance to breathe for a bit.

The childminder is just checking on numbers as they are trying to avoid having more than four children at once and mixing the kids on different days. If she can make it work she will get back to me.

I will take anything.

DH admits he has an anger issue, and made lunch today. I've told him that we're just at the start of the journey with all that, and that we have a long way to go. He accepts that.

I bought DS a roll of bubble wrap and cut it up into lots of smaller sheets. He's carrying one around fiddling with it and chirping 'Pop pop' - so maybe he will leave my walls alone for five minutes.

I'm going to have a hot bath and an early night, thanks for all the support. The trolls don't bother me, I've got the weathered hide of a SEN parent.

If the op receives carers allowance then even the government is acknowledging her role is more than that of a standard sahp, so no idea why random posters on here think they know better.

Anyway, that all sounds a bit more positive op. I hope things continue to improve for you.

You are welcome to start your own thread asking if I am BU, and directing readers to this thread

Wow, imagine repeatedly coming onto a thread to berate a woman struggling with a disabled child...shame on you. Seriously, jog on. You're offering no information which is of any use to anyone.

Just do for you and the kids, when he asks why tell him you have enough to do and he never does his share let alone 50% that a husband and father should do.
The money/ earnings is a cop out. He just needs to do more and be available when he finishes work.

Maybe I am lazy, like @WillAshton says, but maybe I also have rheumatoid arthritis, hashimoto's and endo too (all brought on post pregnancy) so maybe I am just generally fucked.

I wonder how @WillAshton would deal with a large strong five year old punching them repeatedly in the gut for trying to change their dirty nappy.

Maybe @willashton would breeze the 100+ hours involved with EHCP/schooling admin.

I suspect @WillAshton has discovered a fancy way to teleport children to their occupational therapy and speech therapy appointments without any adult involvement necessary.

I expect @WillAshton would completely ace the long nights when their five year old is awake from 1am - 5am, repeatedly screaming because they like the way it makes them feel when they do it. Maybe @WillAshton would actually enjoy supervising that.

I mean, I could be totally wrong...

Oh, ignore WillAshton

He suffers from that awful complaint littledickus.