To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM

These pieces of information don't make sense. You were home and not working (SAH - not SAHM...), but the children were mostly taken care of elsewhere?

Now they aren't at school or nursery, you're staying at home and doing the childcare, which is what I thought SAHM meant. I understand additional needs must be hard, but it is the role you said you agreed to do while your husband works.

You must have had a lot of free time whilst the kids weren't around but you were 'staying up at home', compared to your husband working full time.

These pieces of information don't make sense. You were home and not working (SAH - not SAHM...), but the children were mostly taken care of elsewhere?

Short days at nursery for me meant 4 hours with travel. So not exactly 'mostly' elsewhere. And children go to school, right? Most SAHMs don't home school.

Most SAHMs don't home school.

Yeah, I assumed a child at home was the purpose of a parent staying home.

I don't really understand how (usually) mums are needed around the house all day once the kids have got to school age or if they have childcare. I assumed that at this point it was common to return to work.

I have assumed that's why there have been lots of problems described on here where kids and parents have been sent home from work and school during lockdown and having to get work and school work done all together.

Nursery is a tiny fraction of the week. You can't work for 6 hours a week. That's ridiculous.

Fuck him and his “creative walk”. These are exceptional times and he needs to adapt as well as you.

We’re in a similar situation - DD with multiple diagnoses and almost impossible for 1 person to look after alone for an extended period. DP’s work disappeared with COVID while mine increased. Looking after DD for long hours was wreaking havoc with DP’s mental health, and in turn with mine. So I halved my hours so we could split the childcare more evenly. Luckily, I have an understanding boss and we’re able to suck up the loss of income for a short time.

Even so, we were still at the end of our tether, so I ended up calling the school, who’ve let her back 3 mornings a week, even though they were only open to key workers’ children officially.

I really recommend you call your DS’ school and be completely honest about the fact that you’re on your knees. You may well find they’re more able to help than you realised.

@WillAshton clearly you have no idea what it’s like looking after a small child with additional needs. I can only speak about our situation but DD isn’t able to access breakfast or after school clubs, as she requires 1-1 support. This means one parent always has to be available for school drop-off and collection. You can’t work a full day in those hours. My DP and I have both gone part time, so we can both work a bit and stay sane, but in many families, one parent has to give up work all together.

@WillAshton how have you concluded that "the children were mostly taken care of elsewhere"?

The toddler normally only does 2 short days a week at the childminder, so is mostly at home with her mum!

A 2 hour creative walk? Fml! No way!

Get back onto school and tell them you need to send him in. I’m pretty sure they have to take him if he has an ECHP.

Also @WillAshton "I don't really understand how (usually) mums are needed around the house all day once the kids have got to school age or if they have childcare. I assumed that at this point it was common to return to work."

Well they aren't necessarily. If you have full time childcare, not 2 short days. And if you are able to access wraparound care, which as PPs have said OP's 5yo probably can't.

I have a very flexible job and I'd struggle to keep it if I could only work 9:30am-2:30pm. I'd also be on my knees because I'd either be working or looking after a high needs 5yo and a toddler 100% of the time!

OP if you're too emotional to speak to your DH could you write something down to try to get across just how you're feeling? Even show him this post?

You are tied to the children and home until kids are much much older. Even if you could find wraparound care there's still the problem of school holidays and illness and having a flexible employer. I consider a stay at home mum to still be that when kids are in primary!

When he's finished work tonight tell him you're off out for a creative walk.

When you get home, ask him to pick a day, Saturday or Sunday, because that's the day he is responsible for all the cooking, cleaning and looking after the dc.

You should be 50/50 when he's not working in the evening and weekend

I have a very flexible job and I'd struggle to keep it if I could only work 9:30am-2:30pm. I'd also be on my knees because I'd either be working or looking after a high needs 5yo and a toddler 100% of the time!

I did this with one child with ADHD who didn't sleep. I was not sane by the end of it.

You are entitled to call your council's childrens with disabilities team and ask for a care assessment for your childs needs. You should also get a carers assessment of your needs and what help you need. You may be entitled to respite care. It may only be a few hours a week but its a start. And yes your husband does need to give you some time off as well. You can't do it it all with no break.

I'm guessing @willashton doesn't have a disabled child, then

Seems fairly a good guess to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is absolutely shirking his parenting responsibilities. 'Creative walk' my arse. It's an escape.

@Willaston youngest child does 2 short days, so is possibly away from op 8 hours a week. You think that constitues mainly being cared for elsewhere? And the 5 yo is in what, 9-3ish 5 days a week, so 30 hours which even if you just count waking hours - let's pretend 72 a week although I bet far more, they're still with her for more than half the time TERM TIME plus 13 weeks of holiday and every time school calls op in or op takes 5yo to an appt or therapy session. My 5yo is just on o2 in mainstream and I couldn't imagine what job would be flexible enough for no wrap around care (has a 121), no school holidays, where I could work between 9. 30 and -2.30 on the days I could work, have every hospital and therapy appt and be available for an emergency ay school.

Op, does your DH work at weekends too?

If not, then surely the fair thing is that you each have one day off while the other one cares for the DC. Then in the evening you split the care.

Come to that why aren't you already splitting the evening care unless he genuinely is working the whole time?

If he does seem to be "working" more hours than he did before all this blew up then I would suspect this is a deliberate excuse to allow him to hide in the study and avoid too much family responsibility.

Just one child with ASD nearly broke us, I went back to work but was constantly on call to collect him from school early, take him to numerous medical appts, speech therapy, etc. And then co parent him non stop on only a few hours sleep, because he didn't sleep very much.
DH did as much as he could, but one of had to work full time to pay the mortgage.
I went part time, then DH went part time so we each got a bit of respite. I ended up self employed (with a very small income) while DH took early retirement. The relentnessness of caring for a child with any kind of SEN is never appreciated, unless you know what it's like.

OP, your "D" H is a total prick.

I drop DC off at school, getting home at 9.30, then I need to leave by 2.30 at the very latest to ensure I can park.

Three days a week I have the toddler in those hours.

Two days a week I don't. Didn't. I have them both all the time now.

The toddler started childcare p/t in Sept, at the same time the DC started school. So yes for a time (Sept-Mar) I may have enjoyed 10 luxurious hours of silence to myself every term time week to have a shit, or shave my armpits.

I think that's probably not a huge amount for someone that is woken frequently every night, does all the childcare from 7-7, organises the shopping, cleans the bathroom, goes around trying to fix everything DC1 has broken...

OP could you answer the question that several people have asked - what happens at the weekend / his days off ? I think that might help people advise .

At weekends we are both around with DC. I make all the meals.

So does he pitch in to help ?

What reason does he give for not doing any cooking? If he is no good at it can you delegate the cleaning up, laundry or other household tasks to make up for his lack of help in this area?

Please raise this again with him. Don’t try to ‘explain’ - tell him you are outlining to him what he needs to do:
50% of evening meals - if he can’t cook he needs to learn, it’s easy.
50% of bed and bath times
Alternate days of having a 2hr ‘creative walk’ - biggest piss take IMO, whilst you are feeling this wretched.
50% of cleaning & washing at weekends
Please do not let him rail road you by being defensive, these are his children too.