To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

You poor thing. If he will not engage and it sounds like he wont, i would go and stay somewhere else. Where else i dont know. A tent? Anywhere. He has to value you and if he never experiences life without you doing everything, he thinks you are creating a new problem for him by stepping awayfrom what he sees as "your" job

@WillAshton I'm far from offended, I'm more fed up that you're acting like a dog with a bone. You literally won't let it go. Yes you have a different point of view and some aspects I am willing to agree, however this is just going around in circles.

The op just wants a break, she deserves a break. Yes being a sahp implys that h/w, childcare etc is down to that parent, DURING the working day, but from what the op is saying, even when her partner is not working, he isn't doing his fair share.

For what it's worth both my dcs are nt both under 3, and my dh is still helping me around the house and with the children while he isn't working, but my god as soon as they let up on seeing direct family, they're going to their grandparents!

I'm a SAHM, 4DC, 2 with SEN. I'm a SAHM because I'm too ill (physically and mentally) to work. It wasn't a lifestyle choice, it was an 'oh shit, I am now disabled and unemployable' thing. I am really struggling with just about everything right now and clinging on to what little sanity I have left by the skin of my teeth.

Dh is working Monday-Friday but he pretty much takes over the last hour or two when he gets home from work so I can chill for a while and then we can actually have an evening together. At the weekend he has been camping in the garden with them so I lock myself in the bedroom from midday Saturday until Sunday morning and that time alone is making it so I can face the next week ahead. He's a rock, but he also knows his days at work are easier than my days at home.

WillAshton "All you do is join in on slagging off other women's husbands" Yes I am a member of MN which is predominately women who post issues with relationships or parenting, etc yet you defend yourself by saying "This is about many people with varying opinions" yet you criticize me! Pot meet kettle! For the record you've done nothing but criticize this poor mother/wife and fixate like a pit bull with a bone

It sounds awful OP. I had been feeling sorry for myself as a single parent working from home, but your situation sounds like you could use any help going. Your husband needs to step up, and I think any conversations you have with him should be very firm on your part. Also if you can access help from the school, it's worth a shot. My childminder is planning to start up again from the 1st, do you think your childcare for the younger one might? Hope you're ok and able to get this resolved

This is what the kid did to my bedroom wall while I was putting his sister to bed. He's tearing our house to shreds. I am trying everything to keep him happy and busy, but he's still making my house into a shit tip. And apparently I should be managing this? Really @WillAshton - tell me again, exactly what is your experience of parenting a disabled child? Do you understand how much caring for them involves? We get high rate DLA, look up the requirements to qualify for that benefit. I can tell you that legally their needs are said to be 'substantially in excess' of those of a typical child of their age.

YA definitely NBU to say you need some time off. Everybody does and most people do not have as challenging a life as you have right now.

I wouldn't go for a day off, but something more regular - two hours every other day, to walk by yourself in silence.

Consider cutting down quality on some things you do, too. It's survival. Eg simple meals. Or eat with the kids and let him fend for himself.

Sorry, X post. Do you get any help or support? That is very difficult behaviour.

Ignore posters who show no understanding of your situation, OP. Explaining it all to your "D"H is futile enough - why try to convince a stranger? You're expending valuable energy there which needs to be spent on your own health and welfare.

It's ok @CharlotteCollinsneeLucas - I've dealt with worse: my local authority, for example, who I had to take to tribunal to agree to give my son a place at his special school. I won that.

Hey elbanabanana, the rest of us get it. Don't let one ignorant poster wind you up, because that's evidently what they're aiming at.

How has your DP been today given you were stressed to tears yesterday? Has he been at all sympathic or helpful?

yeh, ignore, there is always one fragile narcissist who gets off on creating drama by invalidating somebody's feelings in their hour of need. always.

Op it's not so much a child problem as a DH problem.
You must be exhausted. But you need to try and be proactive or I'm worried something bad is going to happen to you :(

You can reach out to social services.
You need to sit down with DH and find out what your hill to die on is.

Can we all try to ignore the utter shite pouring from @WillAshton 's keyboard? He (or she, but I bet a he) are ignorant and deliberately being an unpleasant, goady shit. Ignore him/her and report if you don't like the posts. I've reported all of them.

He let me choose a film (wow, I know) but then got so enraged by the torn wall that we had to stop it, because he shouted so much that he scared the shit out of DS. So then I had to hug and calm DS and stay with him until he fell asleep.

Is it ok or isn't it? Surely you started the thread because things are not ok?

And since you can't change your selfish H, I'm suggesting some things you can change. Like ignoring people who try to drag you further down.

But maybe a vent was all you needed to give you strength for the next day?

Is your DS's violence connected to his dad's scary behaviour?

Best approach the school again for childcare explaining that the situation is very stressful and you’re not managing.

If that fails ring social services and tell them you’re not coping and need emergency and school refusing

Also contact your GP and tell him/her that you’re on the edge

This is an awful situation to be in, is your child's school currently open? Please contact them and arrange for him to go bk in, at least try. Your husband is not being a husband if he's not supporting you and he's not being a dad, is he normally this selfish and angry or is he also extremely stressed? If he's always like this you'd be better off without him, if he's not coping you both need to reach out for support.

So he's not only a crap husband and father, but an abusive, violent one. And yes, shouting at you and scaring his child IS abuse, and violent.

It occurred to me too, not excusing his behaviour but is he stressed by the whole situation too? It would be relevant as any comeback from school or social care that you should give each other a break just doesn't sound like any kind of realistic option, and you need outside support now. If you could effectively tag team and give each other respite that might be workable but it sounds like the opposite for you at the moment.

How does a 5 year old tear off bits of wallpaper and have the rest of the wall look so smooth and clean as that? To be honest with young kids you have to forget how the house looks for a while and tailor it to them, there’ll be time to make things look nice once they’ve grown up.

@BubblyBarbara did you read the thread? The child has ASD.

10 hours a week ‘me time’ to a mum of 2 young kids, one of whom has special needs to the degree she qualifies for CA. Jeez.

If she had 2 NT kids of this age and was doing everything, I’d still think she deserved a break. As noted I get arsey when I’ve cooked all week for my teenagers.

We all know this is a guy who has mentally checked out from his family responsibilities. All he has to do is his paid work. He’d be the same of the both had a full time job with childcare on top. It would fall to her - it usually does. It’s a worldview and that’s why he’s getting peeved and not offering, I say ‘help’, but again that’s a world view.

I really can't stand posters who come on threads like this to criticise or make comments about things they know nothing about.

Seriously...walk a day in someone else's shoes. I guarantee if you lived one day of the ops life you couldn't handle it.