To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

If you're struggling to get him to let you have a day off could get him out of the study when he has finished work and tell him you're going for a soak in the bath? Take a book, cup of tea, packet of biscuits and lock the door for a few hours?

I know it's not what you need, but it might help a bit?

On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner. He's doing his part and you should do yours. Neither of you are in the wrong

Totally disagree with this. Yes, I'm sure he's working hard but when he's not working they should be splitting the childcare/housework roughly equally and should both get equal amounts of downtime. Being a STAHP doesn't mean doing 100% of the childcare, 100% of the time. OP's husband is not pulling his weight, and worse, he refuses to even discuss it!

On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner.
SAHM parent doesn't mean the other parent doesn't have to parent. She's doing everything and he's hiding.
Also being a sahp with an agreement that the children will attend school and nursery is NOT the same as agreeing to be in virtual lockdown. If ops role has changed with corona, so should his

I’m not sure it’s fair to say that the OP has to continue with her role because her DH is continuing with his.

Her DH’s role hasn’t changed, the OP’s role has changed fundamentally for the worse. Her DH could be flexible and help but he is choosing not to. That’s pretty shit.

Jesus. He can start cooking and cleaning! I am sure if he has the option of looking after his kids while you do it or to do it himself he’ll turn into Gordon F’ing Ramsay in a heartbeat.

@SpuriouserAndSpuriouser has hit the nail on the head.

Your DH is in the wrong, a caring person would have stepped in before it got to you feeling like you're at breaking point. I'm sorry that your partner is so inconsiderate. This pandemic has exposed cracks in so many relationships.

On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner. He's doing his part and you should do yours. Neither of you are in the wrong

I also disagree with this. I'm a sahm and am happy to do virtually everything but the op is dealing with a DC with challenging special needs. This isn't a standard sahm situation. You are under unbearable stress by the sounds of it op. Working and taking the full responsibility of the families financial situation sounds like a walk in the park compared to your role.

I think your eldest DC needs to be in school. If I were you, I'd be moving heaven and earth to get him back. Hopefully someone with more practical advice on how to do that will be along soon.

It might not be a bad idea to remind your dh that in the event of a divorce, he'll have to deal with his own DC alone far more than he is now.

OP, I think you need to go on a 2-hour stress-relieving walk to match dickhead's 'creative' one. I say this sincerely.

He could arrange work to give you time off but he won't?

fuck that.

They're his children and his responsibility, too, and he's being grossly unfair. Point out if you have a breakdown, which you are clearly headed for, he'll be on full time parenting duty. this isn't sustainable, and he needs to step up and do his share of sorting this out. He can get up earlier and work; he can work in the evenings; he can work a bit at weekends. But he has to give you breaks since you're not getting the school time breaks you normally get.

Agree with all the other advice you've been given.

One easy immediate fix while you manage the rest is to stop cooking a separate dinner for you and DH. You can either both eat with them (we do this now, and it's actually really good for the whole family, though imagine severe SN might change this), keep it and reheat later, or buy ready meals /takeaways for a bit.

Stop cooking his dinnerband buying his food. Stop washing his clothes. Stop tidying everything. Stop doing non essential cleaning.

Your husband needs to pull his finger out and stop hiding from his own children

I am in a very similar situation OP and really sympathise. I have a 6 month old and 9 year old who would normally be in a special school with one to one support. My 9 year old will not be in the same room as the baby as he gets worried the baby might cry which makes him anxious.

My DH also works FT from home. It is exhausting however my DH does try to help by shifting his work hours from 6am to 3pm so he can help out with dinner/bedtimes etc. Even so though neither of us get much of a break until after bedtimes.

What does your autistic son enjoy doing? I would just make life as easy for yourself as possible. I just let my son occupy himself on the ipad for most of the day while I look after the baby. I felt guilty at first but my son is happier, I am less stressed and the baby is happier.

I don't think there are any easy solutions but your OH does need to try to help out when he is not working. Mine is spending a lot less time commuting now and this time as a minimum needs to be used to help out.

He needs to step up, I'm sure it's irrelevant to you which day he takes, so could he do a Sunday if that's the slower work day.
Being a SAHP in your circumstances sound extremely tough, you are doing amazing, but he needs to step in and do his bit.

Is he not concerned that you are at the end of your tether ? He should want to make your life as easy and pleasurable as possible, if you need a day to yourself, he should facilitate that.

He could arrange his work to give me time off, he just... won't.

This pisses me off on your behalf. Time to sit down and talk and for him to parent his children.

I don’t often reply on threads, bit of a lurker. But when I read that he goes on a 2 hour CREATIVE WALK I nearly hit the roof on your behalf. Is he serious? You look after the 2 children on your own all day and he takes a 2 hour CREATIVE WALK. I would tell him you are having a day off otherwise you are going to become ill. I hope he listens to you. YANBU at all, he is. I feel angry on your behalf!

School can’t say that. Ring them, tell them he’s back, full time, from June 1st.

You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling, I know it should be obvious but he's either not seeing it or ignoring it. You must try and schedule some time for you where you can enjoy some peace and me time similar to the "creative walk." Does you DH take scheduled breaks so you could say between 10-11 I'm going out. DH can stop work and use some of his break to cover your "break."
Are there any support groups out there as there must be a few others in your similar situation without the Special Needs schooling being available.

I’m working from home. No commute. I’ve got a bit longer at lunch - he can whip up lunch for all and get slow cooker on for tea. It’s not that hard. He can do something and you need a day off at the weekend. You’re making yourself ill and are completely burning out. No special needs here but 3 kids who all eat different things. By Friday they can eat their own heads for all I care and I refuse to cook.

On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner.

OP's post shows she was looking into updating her qualifications with a view to working again, but that the 5 yr old's autism spoked that particular wheel. Also, OP said her DH is working at the same pace as pre COVID, so hardly stressful.

OP's life has changed massively, and not for the better, while her DH's life has only changed in that he's now wfh.

OP, your DH needs to be told, not asked, that he needs to be pulloing his weight and to stop finding ways of avoiding his share of parenting.

You are effectively working 24/7, while he's managing to get plenty of time to himself. Fuck that.

OP, I would be telling your DH you might be a SAHP but you aren’t his housekeeper so from now on he cooks, cleans, washes and irons for himself.

You take yourself off out of the home for your lunch break (1 hour every lunchtime) as a minimum. You need that decompression time.

He either steps up now or, after lockdown, he will be sharing parenting 50:50 as you will be leaving him and he do his share of the grunt work.

Honestly, I am fucking enraged on your behalf.

I’d also be contacting the school and SS. They should be making provision for your oldest dc.

I hear you....
I have a 9 year old autistic daughter and work in an SEN school too. I have only been to work a handful of times (dd has stayed at home) since the start of lock down and on those days I have felt so much better for it.
I generally cope ok with her, but my dh is working full time and as I’ve been at home, the care of her has been on me.

Please, ring your child’s school and tell them you are not coping. They might take your son back full time or just part time but you’ll have some break.
I’ve made the decision to return on the 1st, dd in tow. It’s just too bloody hard and I have felt ashamed of my parenting over the last couple of days. I’ve been pushed to breaking point and that’s without a toddler!!

Op, I only have one child but I get you. I went thorough same stuff, my ds was very intense and very ill with asd traits and chronic illness. I once called my dh in despair, and been told I need to deal with it. It broke me. I decided to leave him and go back to my country, where I can get help from my family. I bought tickets and my sister was coming to get me and help with travel back home. That's when he really realised I was really losing it. He cried and apologised and promised to help. It's been ten years since.

On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner.

So they agreed that she would parent and run the home 168 hours a week and he'd work 40 hours a week? She doesn't get 10 minutes to herself, he gets 2 hours for a walk?

I really feel for you, elbana. Of course you need a day off! When things get back to some level of normality I think it would be a good idea for you to try and arrange regular days off. Nobody can go on working at your pace without a break indefinitely and I don't doubt it is hard work.

Good for you to be thinking of working on further qualifications, that will be something for you. The family will of course benefit but you'll gain much satisfaction and get a better job when you go back to work.

One thing I didn't understand from your op and it could just be me because I am having a bit of an 'off' day today, not taking things in properly, is you said, "They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day ...". Does your husband have other people working with him from home? That alone must be a bit of a bore for you, I don't think I'd want other adults around, albeit in the study most of the time, whilst coping with two young children, one with special needs. Plus there's the mixing of households, your husband might just as well go out to work!