To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

If he gets to go on a 'creative walk' for 2 hours, so do you. Alternate who gets to do the walk - one per evening.

No reason you should be doing all the cooking - alternate cooking the dinners too. Your DH can have a longer lunch break and do all the lunches for the whole family.

He could arrange his work to give me time off, he just... won't.

That's appalling. You haven't answered what happens at weekends, but I can guess. Has he ever looked after them by himself for a whole day? If he can't do that, ask why he's expecting you to do it by yourself for a whole week.

He gets defensive because he knows it's wrong. Don't back down - you need to have this conversation with him.

If he really is so completely selfish that he won't change, you need to reconsider your relationship.

Contact the council SEN department to ask them to liaise with the school about taking him, or alternatively put other help in place. Although their duties are modified they do still have a duty to use reasonable endeavours to meet needs which definitely means that they must do more than just leave you to get on with things. If that's problematic, phone SOS SEN or IPSEA.

Don't 'ask'

Just pack yourself a bag-blanket,book,picnic and tell him you'll be back at dinner time and. GO. PICK up a takeaway on your way back.

SEVERAL nights a week tell him he's in Bath & bed routine.

Start telling, start expecting & Stop
Asking.

If he carps on about needing to work, tell him you're fed up of working 24/7 while he hides in the fucking office or pisses about having solo walks.

@oldbutstillgotit

I must have missed this, then the OP should also get to go for 2 hours every day. That's fairness and I'm all for it. However, this shouldn't be whilst he's working as then he'd be expected to do 2 jobs at once (his job and the childcare). She should absolutely get 2 hours free and he ha the kids during this though.

I was mainly responding to all the posters saying she should just up and leave one morning and leave him with everything to do all day, or just hand him the kids as soon as he's finished work and go off on her own for the whole evening. None of that is fair, all childcare outside of work hours should be completely equal.

God I hear you, it’s just got to that point hasn’t it.
I told my DH he needed to take a day of annual leave because I’m dying. He initially said there was no point because he would still get bombarded with calls and emails. I said I needed him to. So he has. Even if he does still have to do some work, if it means someone else does lunch and dinner and tidies up after it’ll be worth it.
Do speak to your DH again tomorrow. If you think it would help you could divide up some tasks you want him to do? Say take them from 5pm each evening and you disappear somewhere? Or he does from wake up to 10am to give you a couple of hours each morning.
The situation as it currently stands is just plain unfair.

He’s being defensive because he knows damned well that what he’s doing is utterly unacceptable and he doesn’t like being pulled up on it

Yep, that’s what I thought. Don’t complain, don’t explain, just decide how things are going to be from now on. No cooking, no cleaning, and YOU Ger a 2hr creativity walk every day.

Oh OP, he needs to pull his weight more. He can surely flex his hours so can help you at a few set times during the day? If he works 7 or 8 hours in the day that leaves a lot spare after 8 hours sleep.....

You have ehcp ,because he has special school
Phone school ,say your child needs a place

Does he ever take holiday? Can't he take some now?

And he needs to really help when he finishes work and at weekends.

They're his children too.

Please please call SS. You are not calling them to tell them you're a bad parent. You are asking them for the support that they have the resources to provide.
If you don't want to do it for you do it for your toddler. They can help you all.

Also Fuck DH. He tells you the days he will help or you walk out next week for a few hours.

Call SS and ask for help. They have resources for helping parent carers. And that will also mean they will make sure that school will make your son a priority. When your child has additional needs/disability it is a while different kind of SS involvement. I got SS involved when I was feeling like you with my DS (ASD and ADHD) and they were wonderful. I put off doing it for far too long due to my preconceptions of what it would mean. Wish I'd called them years earlier.

Creative walk my arse. Skiving from parenting more like.

Make some calls on the morning, social services, school, local SN services, whoever for some help before you break

You shouldn't feel guilt tripped into not getting any help. I can't imagine how you do it! I've worked with adults with learning difficulties and a lot of the time they needed a one to one, so heaven knows how you are coping. I hope you manage to get through to him or leave him holding the baby and tell him you're off for at least a two hour walk! Seek any help and support and advice on challenging behaviour and suggest he clues himself up as he has no idea, yet he is also responsible so angry for you. Lockdown is hard enough and at least at special school there is a team of professionals and you are managing alone. Totally unacceptable.

Just wanted to say I'm not implying that your ds is the problem! Just that if he needs extra support, this is a lot to manage especially with a 5 year old that will also want and need time and attention.

He’s being defensive because he knows damned well that what he’s doing is utterly unacceptable and he doesn’t like being pulled up on it
1000% this. I’d give up on explaining and take the time. 12 noon stick your head in and say I’ll be back by 1. 5pm stick your head in and say I’ll be back at 7, dont worry about cooking two meals we can all eat the same thing. Repeat for one week. If he tries to talk say no I tried to talk to you and that didn’t work, We arent talking this week. I’m taking a leaf out of your book and putting me first although only for a fraction of the amount of time you put yourself first above all of our needs - 2 hour creative walk my arse, you selfish asshole.

This is bad. You need support or else your'll break. Tell Dh, your GP, and the HeadTeacher. This is not ok.

Op are there no respite services available? I would contact social services, and just ask their advice on part time respite care, because you can't love either of your kids to the fullest when you feel like you could just have a heart attack and drop dead at any moment from the stress.
I agree your husband is trying to find an out to his responsibilities, so maybe send him somewhere else but full time.
The respite service my mum works for see cases like this all the time and are still functioning in the pandemic. This should stop you being on alert mode constantly, and by stopping doing all your husband's chores you'll have time to do your degree.

My xh used being a business owner to excuse him from his adult responsibilities. Note x. H.

Girl you need to be tough with yourself now. You Need a break. And your husband doesn't let you. Surely he has weekend? So you TELL HIM you will go out on Saturday. And if he goes blah blah whinge whinge then you tell him again. I am leaving. Don't cry. He will see this as your weakness and continue on as he knows you wil take care of the kids. So kick yourself up the bum and tell him. What you need. What you expect of him. And that you are going to take some time for yourself. Every day an hour. Or 1 day a week. Or that you take your youngest for some fun time. Or whatever. Give him an option but no room to say no. Make it clear. Because he sounds like an arse. And you need to stick up for yourself as no one else is going to do it.

I have considered calling SS on myself.

Please call them. Really, you desperately need support. It might have another effect as well. DH might realise what an arse he's being that you can get support from them but don't from him.

Do you have a mum, sister etc who could come round and help.

But don’t consider asking any male relatives.

Oh OP have some
My exH was like this and it's just soul destroying. He would refuse point blank to discuss flexible working and just never pitched in with the kids when they were little. We separated nearly 10 years ago. He has seen them once during this pandemic and hasn't even once asked or offered to share their care. My work has gone through the floor and I'm self employed. His has remained the same. I'm afraid it's likely to be engrained that he/his job is more important than you/yours and in my experience there is only one way out of it if he won't talk or compromise

Tomorrow get up at whatever time is normal and leave the house. Do not come back until adult dinner time. Let him cope for one day. Then start the talking with either he pulls his weight or you’ll force him to by just randomly leaving when it’s not convenient

I agree. Get up tomorrow when he does, get dressed, and tell him you're going on your creative 2 hour walk and he's in charge until you get back. He can start work when you do.

Tell him you will be doing this every fucking day until he recognizes his dickishness and sits down with you to discuss fairness in your relationship and family life.