To tell DH I need a day off

[elbanabanana]

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

Have you spoken to your childminder? If none of you are vulnerable, she might take your toddler. Nannies, cleaners and tradespeople are allowed in homes now.

the 2 hour creative walk may be because he is quite on the spectrum himself But can you send some footage of the major meltdowns to school? They may not realise how bad it is

Assuming he doesn’t work 7 days a week , what happens on his day(s) off ?

He needs to compress his hours to four days a week so he has two afternoons off a week during which time he takes the DC out of the house for a walk for at least 1.5 hours and you get to recharge. And no way would I cook his dinner every evening. A 50/50 split on that at least. At least.

I just broke down. He got defensive. I tried to explain myself but just burst into tears.

Then stop trying to explain yourself to him, OP, and simply lay out exactly what it is that you will be doing going forward.

Stop expecting him to come up with the solutions because he is not going to. Why would he? It isn’t in his interest.

Tell him which day he needs to take off and stick to it. Use that time to make a workable plan as to how you can continue. Because clearly this isn’t working.

Sorry if I sound abrupt, I’m just pissed off on your behalf. He sounds like a shit husband. Sorry.

Send him my way.

He won’t be defensive by the time I’ve finished explaining.

Call ss children with disabilities team and get him back to school
Stop cooking dinner. If dh wants dinner he cooks for both of you.
Otherwise grab a sandwich and go to bed leave him to it

He’s being defensive because he knows damned well that what he’s doing is utterly unacceptable and he doesn’t like being pulled up on it.

These are extraordinary times. Your DH cannot expect to just continue as he has been while you're falling apart with the extra stress. He's part of a family and the extra burdens should be shared, no ifs or buts.
Lots of us are having to rearrange work around childcare. If needs must he'll have to do some work after hours to give you a break.

He’s being defensive because he knows damned well that what he’s doing is utterly unacceptable and he doesn’t like being pulled up on it.
Agree 100% @AriadnesFilament

Drawing life has just said exactly what I was going to say!

He should be making 'packed lunches' for everyone, dinner for you and him plus taking a regular time off to tag team with kids

I will try to explain it to him again tomorrow, too exhausted to try again tonight. Sat in front of Sewing Bee with a huge cup of tea now, imagining what it'd be like to boil my own head.

Please stop making his meals. You could tell him one more time you are beyond exhausted and if he doesn't start parenting her kill suffer. Then stop feeding him, washing for him, shagging him, etc anything at all that benefits him. You can't do it as you are too knackered from doing 100% of caring for his kids.

Bless you.I'm glad you've had some time to yourself.Please subscribe to Contact a Family if not already for support.How about having some meals delivered door to door until things improve.Take care.Xx

We will suffer. Don't kill him. He's not worth doing time for.

Fledglings,Cheap Disability Aids-google those for ideas and support to keep your precious children amused

Put his lunch in front of him tomorrow and tell him you're off for a 2 hour creative walk and just leave.

(I too was confused by the use of plurals to refer to the DH).

I agree with @BumpBundle

As much as you absolutely do deserve time off he is still doing a job and being the sole earner for the family which is stressful in itself.

If I got home from work one day and my DP said the kids were my full responsibility and they were going off because they had also been at work all day and their job was so much more stressful than mine (because when he's at work the childcare is your job, that's part of the agreement of being a SAHM and him being the main earner) I would be massively pissed off. It would just say to me that they didn't appreciate that I work hard at my job as well.

You are completely entitled to time off but if you take, say half a day, he should also expect half a day of the same thing, so no work, or childcare, just locked away with a book/electronics.

However, when he's not in work he should be splitting the childcare/housework 50/50 with you. So after he's finished work in the study he comes and watched the kids whilst you cook dinner or vice versa. It's about fairness and balance so you both get equal child/work free time.

FGS he will suffer.. we will help you

Please phone school and be honest about how hard this is for your family. Push for them to take your child for a day or two a week. If you need social services support ask about this too.

Do you have a mum, sister etc who could come round and help. You mental health is going through the floor. You cant do this alone with dh working full time. Time to get some help in for everyones sanity and safety

I agree stop trying to explain, he's just seeing it as either an attack on him, or as you justifying making him do stuff. You dint need to justify expecting a parent to parent.

Tell him what you need.

Does he work 12 hours a day 7 days a week? If not he needs to do his bit.

I need you to do the kids walk on Sunday
I need you to cook dinner once week night and one weekend night a week
I need you to do bedtime routine 3 toems a week etc

@ beabitnicer he takes a 2 hour walk every day