Is anyone else not bothered by sex?

[Whatsupdog]

I’m embarrassed. And I feel weird. I’m a 29 year old women and I could quite happily take or leave sex. I like how it makes me feel connected to my partner (we’ve been together for years) and I like the cuddling after, but...meh. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think I’m asexual...but I don’t really masturbate or have sexual fantasies. I feel like a weirdo can anyone else relate?

Yep. I don't like it either. Was ok when younger but totally gone off it now.

@fojn well you seem to have a limited view of porn based on your personal take. It is quite often produced by women and involves no violence in any way. Look up Milena Velba for example. That’s it my experience maybe you should ask a few men what turns them on. You might be very surprised. If you ended up with a man who likes violent porn then you’re well out of it. He’s an idiot and probably inherently violent himself. But to write off a complete relationship because you don’t want sex and are prepared to deny your other half a release can only be called short sighted and selfish. My opinion, which I’m sure you don’t share.

A lot of unresolved issues there Dave
Maybe your attitude puts a lot of people off?
Not only my opinion, to hazard a guess.

In my 40s, l’ve had quite a number of “bed friends” (l prefer the term to partners) and my libido is probably the highest it has ever been.

I get grumpy without regular sex and need my own “me time” as well. The needs are quite different.

I'm 27 and single, and have realised it's not sex I miss so much as the other sorts intimacy, cuddles, pillow talk and sharing secrets, being hugged and kissed goodbye when I go out, and adult conversation/company in general.

Ds is at that that age where he doesn't want to sit on my knee anymore, hold my hand, etc, and my friends and family aren't very touchy feely (and I totally am) so I think I'm craving physical contact in general, which I'd been getting through dating, but then I realised dating is shit, too many men want just the sex with non of the other stuff (or to be exclusive), when I could take or leave the sex most of the time these days (I realised a while ago I could orgasm quicker with a vibrator than most blokes), but you can't kiss a vibrator or snuggle up to it on a cold dark night

Part of me can't wait to start dating again after the lockdown, to try and get the intimacy I crave, another part of me thinks it'll just be more of the same shit, and I might as well not bother, it's not worth the hurt feelings, disappointment and heartache. I used to be a romantic, and believed in soul mates, but not any more! [I wonder if I could sue Disney etc, for all those false expectations they instilled in me when I was a kid/teenager?]

"My sheets don’t get dirty or sweaty after sex. That only happens in the movies."

Mine would regularly with my ex, the room would stink the next day (not in a bad way, I quite liked the smell, a mix of sweat and semen). Not so good when we broke up though, and he'd come to collect ds reeking of that smell (moi? Jealous? Never....)

No , never felt like that and certainly not when I was 29. Sex is an important part of my relationship and I get very grumpy if my man doesn't give me a good seeing-to on a regular basis. A girl has her needs.

I think you need to consider if you feel like that now, then when you are older it won't be any better and probably worse. That when it causes problem if the sexual desires are at a different level.

But no, I have never felt like that before. I need the intimacy and cuddling etc, but if we go a little time I also need a really good seeing to

I feel like I've been most of the above posters in my life! Not the abused ones luckily. So horrible that people suffer for ever.

I slightly differ from the PP who said teenage libido and masturbation is key. As a teenager I was extremely sexually interested and had lots of boyfriends going a bit further with each. It was all very exciting and arousing but I had no idea how to masturbate and the young men who I went out with were as inexperienced. I was also very romantic and for ever loved up. I had no understanding that the boys were sexually driven and not thinking romantically! Pretty classic stuff.

I met my now husband of many years (we are retired) whilst still at school and fell head over heels in love. Sex seemed to happen naturally between us but still I never orgasmed ,or masturbated, though I'd read about it in magazines and wish it would happen (and tried too hard).

We moved into a flat with a detachable shower head when I was 20 (always bathed before) and that set me off and I discovered masturbation. Once I could give myself an orgasm they just came naturally during sex. We had a fantastic sex life for the next 30 plus years. The physical pleasure was unbelievable and I'm sure it created a strong bond. We have lots of children but our sex life always resumed as satisfyingly.

Since my 50s and the menopause I've had a lot of health problems and it has wiped out my libido. I am sad about it and my husband is sadder and frustrated. I feel guilty and would like to rekindle the libido but it's hard when you're physically limited too. We will survive but I feel sad to have lost it but grateful to have had it!

I was such a randy teenager, I would masterbate several times a day, and lost my virginity at 15 as I just couldn't wait any longer. I always just put that down to hormones?

Would rather drink tea but make an effort often enough to keep husband happy.

"I think you need to consider if you feel like that now, then when you are older it won't be any better and probably worse. That when it causes problem if the sexual desires are at a different level."

This is the best point on the whole thread and thank you for saying this.

I wonder how many people whose ultimate aim was the kids/closeness of a relationship, were ok with sex at the start of something as it's all new, but if they were honest and projected into the future, they'd admit they wouldn't want it at all long term beyond DCs. And that this could be a huge factor in the end of their relationship.

I do wonder how many women lose interest once they feel their family is complete.

Persistent, long term infertility wiped out my libido. This is normal, the longer you go on not conceiving the more pointless and chorelike it seems. It did come back though.

I mentioned upthread that I wasn’t a randy teenager but I wonder if I was just a late developer. I masturbated in my 20s. The few times I had casual sex I didn’t enjoy it. I did with the steady boyfriends I had, and I do with my husband even after menopause though not as frequently.

@DameHannahRelf I am the same. I often think it's really awful that you can walk into almost anywhere and shout 'I want sex!' and you'd get millions of offers, but walk in somewhere and shout 'I want a hug!' and all you'll get is a lot of embarrassed faces and everyone averting their eyes.

Getting a shag is dead easy. Getting someone to touch you without wanting a shag is so so much harder.

@Zaphodsotherhead that's it exactly. So depressing.

Pre-children I had a huge sex drive....now, not so much.

I could take it or leave it.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been breast feeding straight for 6 years and am ‘touched out’ (as some people say) or whether it’s because I’m just generally tired from working, house stuff and looking after the children.

My husband would probably have it every day if he could so I do make an effort for him.

If I was given the option of sex, or a film with a cup of tea then it would always be the latter I’d choose.

Reading @SerenDippitty great post above about her experiences (I'm sorry re the infertility etc) it got me thinking -

Is sex really that closely tied up in some people's mind with procreation? And once you've "completed your family" it's no longer a pressing need?

I would think its quite the opposite for some other people, and that sex is an urge and desire that isn't inextricably linked to procreation - it's more about a sense of self, pleasure, connecting etc.

The problem I think comes if you're one of those people I just described, but your partner is one of the people on this thread.

How can anyone easily reconcile that, when one partner loves sex beyond just making children, and the other sees sex as leading up to making children, and once it's "done", sex falls off a cliff?

DaveTheDesigner
Seriously where to begin.....
Why do assume I haven't done any research on porn? There's plenty of information out there that excessive use of porn is causing sexual dysfunction in men and young women report that choking during sex is becoming common and men are not asking if this is something women are into. Why would you think that I need or want direction to the kind of porn you like, seriously that is creepy AF.
Your suggestion that I ask a man what turns him on and might be surprised is bizarre, I can't speak for other people but surely that's a basic enquiry if you have any interest in your partners enjoyment.
Your assertion that it would be selfish and short sighted for me to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker in a relationship is worrying. I absolutely do get to decide and you do not have the right to tell me my boundaries are unacceptable to you. You are free to negotiate your own relationships as you see fit.
I won't be continuing a discussion with a stranger on the internet about porn, I have no idea what you're getting out of it but I don't want to participate.

I loved sex until I had kids. I spent my twenties and most of my thirties trying not to get pregnant. Then I had kids and it went but I know that is due to a loss of emotional connection and physical attraction too. I still think of past sex with other people.

I'm asexual, 41, and a virgin. I've just never had the urge to have sex. I don't feel like anything is missing from my life and it's actually not something I think about a lot.

Before anyone asks - I'm also aromantic so been single since the late 90s where I had a boyfriend in a mad attempt to kickstart something.

OP, you should check out AVEN and maybe post on the forums.

We're all different. For me it's been an ebb and flow kind of thing and hormones are strongly involved. Sometimes I can't be bothered and other times I'm all over my DH like a rash. I am much more interested at ovulation and just before my period. There's also definitely stronger sexual chemistry between some people. One of my exs in particular only had to look at me and I'd want to drag him off into the bushes .
Not wanting sex is not a problem unless it is a problem to your partner. You're going to be in for a rocky future if your needs and wants are not aligned, we've see it hundreds of times on here. So it's tricky. I'm not an expert but I think you need to talk honestly together and maybe try and explore and unlock your sexuality a bit. 29 does seem young to give up on it, but that's just me. If you're both happy then don't worry about what other people think.

I feel sad that I’m mid 40s and know I’ll never experience an orgasm

@Wafflingonagain

Why do you think this?

Get hormone levels checked.