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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone else not bothered by sex?

238 replies

Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 17:52

I’m embarrassed. And I feel weird. I’m a 29 year old women and I could quite happily take or leave sex. I like how it makes me feel connected to my partner (we’ve been together for years) and I like the cuddling after, but...meh. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think I’m asexual...but I don’t really masturbate or have sexual fantasies. I feel like a weirdo Sad can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 20/05/2020 18:13

@Winkywoop agree about Normal People!!!

Original poster
Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 18:13

Ungainly - I sort of hope it is age related! I want to stay with him. No, I don’t really get annoyed about small things like the washing up - he is really great. I think that’s why I feel bad about not really feeling like I have a sex drive, because I think he would like sex more.

OP posts:
Jammysod · 20/05/2020 18:15

I could happily never have sex again. I love my husband & still find him attractive, like cuddling & holding hands etc. But I just don't fancy sex.

Original poster
Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 18:16

Missillusioned - I’m not any more, but I was for years when I was a teenager/ early twenties and having sex for the first time and I wonder if that had something to do with it. All my early sexual experiences where whilst being on the pill. I think for a few months when I went off I did notice a difference, and felt a bit cheated that I’d missed out on ovulating for all of those years! But I wonder if my brain is kind of connected to those days on the pill in terms of having sex then and those initial feelings. I don’t know if that even makes sense.

OP posts:
Lightline · 20/05/2020 18:18

Wait til you meet someone you really fancy
I’m not too bothered but do enjoy sex when I have it ( more regularly than I’d like to keep DH happy) but if you meet someone you really do like you might have fantasies and suddenly a libido

MerryDeath · 20/05/2020 18:20

i used to be in a relationship with someone i had amazing sex with, even then 1-2 a week was ample.

now i've got two kids and a partner that's always in too much of a hurry and doesn't seem to realise that's counterproductive so i could happily not just never have sex but sleep alone for the rest of my days. and i can't be arsed to educate him before anyone chimes in.

BumpBundle · 20/05/2020 18:21

Just for some balance because all the answers seem to be the same - I love sex. It's great. I'd have it 24/7 if I could - BUT with other partners, I've been completely take it or leave it. I think it depends on your partner to be honest. Also, just to be clear, being a parent doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to have sex - I thought that was something only children believed?!

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/05/2020 18:23

Same here , I wasn’t overly bothered pre menopause but post menopause has totally killed my libido.

That's me too!

OneTooManyBathtimes · 20/05/2020 18:29

I've never been interested unless highly aroused, which only really seems to be during oral. But the thought of oral doesn't excite me.
I don't masturbate, have tried it, don't like it. Don't have sexual fantasies. Don't think I ever have either.

DH has a high sex drive. Doesn't masturbate because hes done that before and it really had a bad impact on him, where he had a bad expectation of our relationship. He didn't realise until he tried having sex with me and I wasn t in the mood (he was asking, not physically trying to).

I'm 26.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/05/2020 18:29

I think it depends on your partner to be honest

I've had more than 30 sexual partners in my life and with none of them did I ever think much about sex or particularly crave it. Many times it was wonderful when it happened but I still didn't really crave it after the first few weeks. At the most I'd feel like it once a month , usually coinciding with my period (just before). Nowadays post menopause I have no desire for it at all, despite enjoying it most of the time when it does happen and I can be bothered to make the effort

goodwinter · 20/05/2020 18:29

Same. I'm also late 20s. I enjoy it when we do it, but otherwise I'm rarely in the mood. I do feel somewhat guilty as I almost never initiate.

Tiredtiredtiredtiredtired · 20/05/2020 18:30

I wouldn’t want to go without. I do crave it sometimes. However I’ve only felt like this with my current partner of 12 years. Previous partner I didn’t enjoy it much at all.

I think it’s fine to not be fussed though.

Boulshired · 20/05/2020 18:30

Sex is like going for a run for me, it’s great when I have finished and I always think why don’t I do it more often but the next day/week/month I cannot be arsed.

blancheduboiss · 20/05/2020 18:31

I’m the same and also in my 20’s. Love dp and find him attractive etc etc but I really just feel like I can’t be bothered 95% of the time.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/05/2020 18:31

I don’t think it’s uncommon at all tbh.

Pizzafordinner · 20/05/2020 18:32

I could have written your post OP, we’re exactly the same. Nice to know I’m not alone!

OnlyThenWhen · 20/05/2020 18:32

Yep. Not in a relationship now, haven't had sex for years.
I don't think I am asexual, just not that bothered really.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/05/2020 18:32

I used to LOVE sex. Then I became post menopausal and I don't care if I never see another dick ever again. Even the merest suggestion of sex, song lyrics say, or innuendo, makes me feel irrationally angry. I want to shout 'for fuck's sake, is that ALL you can think about?'

I think, in part, it's do to with my last partner, who was entirely focussed on sex. No intimacy, no cuddles or physical contact or days out or anything. Just boredom and sex. And he hurt me.

So no, I'm either put off or I'm sex-averse now. But it's fine, I look like a sea lion in a bad wig anyway, so I'm hardly turning them down in their droves.

bogoblin · 20/05/2020 18:33

Very similar here. Sex just doesn't float my boat. There's a million other things I could be doing Blush I adore my partner and find him so attractive though! Luckily he is very understanding that I'm just not wired to particularly want sex much plus I don't think my tablets help either

Still managed to get pregnant!

YummyVeggie · 20/05/2020 18:33

I’m the same and only 21 but the act of losing my virginity was non-consensual at 18 so maybe that’s a factor but I’ve also never masturbated.

Viviennemary · 20/05/2020 18:35

I agree with Winkwoop. It's a young person's activity. Novelty wears off.

LaurieMarlow · 20/05/2020 18:36

I think lots of women feel like this. It’s something that isn’t talked about much. I guess patriarchal society doesn’t want to hear about it. Surprise, surprise.

Youcanstay · 20/05/2020 18:37

Never been interested.
Actually, i’m quite sex repulsed.

BabyLlamaZen · 20/05/2020 18:37

Nope. Perfectly normal. Kind of hate how sex is portrayed in the media. Mostly by men btw.

Also are you on the pill? I decided not to go back on it after having a baby and was shocked by how I suddenly had a libido return. After 10 years! (I'm just 30 op so similar age).

Nancydrawn · 20/05/2020 18:38

As PP have said, I think the fact that you're also not particularly interested in sex on your own means that it has more to do with your drive than your partner.

And that's fine! I have friends who range from asexual to nearly insatiable, and there's nothing really weird here. As long as you and your partner are happy, there's no reason to feel any shame about it. People are built differently, and people are wired differently, and as long as it's safe and consensual, then have at it.

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