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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is anyone else not bothered by sex?

238 replies

Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 17:52

I’m embarrassed. And I feel weird. I’m a 29 year old women and I could quite happily take or leave sex. I like how it makes me feel connected to my partner (we’ve been together for years) and I like the cuddling after, but...meh. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think I’m asexual...but I don’t really masturbate or have sexual fantasies. I feel like a weirdo Sad can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
DrDreReturns · 20/05/2020 20:04

Not me afraid. I want sex all the time. I'm in my forties btw.

Chocolate1984 · 20/05/2020 20:06

I’d happily never have sex again. I used to love sex, couldn’t get enough of it but my last partner put me off. Sex was always a bit dull and quick but I felt it was unfair to compare him to previous partners. He had other good qualities, should sex matter? He was never particularly tactile so no hand holding or cuddles. He didn’t like kissing so we would have sex with out any kissing. If I tried to kiss him he would turn away. He usually initiated sex by shoving his hands down my pants or rubbing his hard cock against me. He’d ignore me all evening but expect sex at bedtime. During sex I used to think it was like having sex with a stranger, no connection, is this what a prostitute feels like? I dreaded going to bed as I knew I’d be groped and expected to sleep with him. Sex repulses me so much I can’t imagine having sex ever again and yet I sometimes still fantasise about the sex I had before him.

BlackSwan · 20/05/2020 20:09

Grin 'hormonal contraption' on p1
Yeah. I'm not bothered. But I'm perimenopausal. It was a different story at 29

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 20/05/2020 20:11

I still find DH very physically attractive as he's kept all his hair, teeth and muscles grin

Well, I've still got my hair and teeth. And I'm ripped to friggin shreds. But hardly anyone seems to find me attractive. Pffft Grin

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/05/2020 20:13

Ditto, @Chocolate1984 that's exactly how my last partner approached sex.

I also don't want sex that goes on for hours and hours, which seems to be a male 'goal'. Once I've orgasmed, that's it, you can stop now, but no, they want to keep on pounding away as if it's some kind of badge of manhood!

Hugs now, I'd happily hug or massage or cuddle, but it seems that those only come associated with sex for a lot of men.

Happily single with my dog and long may it stay that way.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 20/05/2020 20:14

Chocolate1984

That sounds horrible, no wonder you've been put off. :(

CatFaceCats · 20/05/2020 20:15

I felt like that for years with my ex. Excused it with tiredness, children, no time... but now I’m single for the first time in 12 years and I’m so bloody horny!

MulticolourMophead · 20/05/2020 20:28

I was with ex for a very long time, he was my first BF and also abusive. By the time I left him, 3 years ago, I was forcing myself to have sex, because I was convinced my libido was dying while going through peri menopause.

Turns out, it was sex with him I didn't want. I've not yet begun dating, I've things I want to sort out first, but my libido is going up rapidly, despite now being post menopausal.

OP, it could be any number of reasons why you don't fancy sex, including that your sex drive is low. Don't feel pressured into sex you don't want, and don't feel you are abnormal, because from things my friends have let slip, you are far from alone.

PeppermintPasty · 20/05/2020 20:29

Yep, ever really bothered me that much. Dry spell atm is currently about 7 years, not missed it at all, don’t think I will ever have sex again. Suits me, I still have the occasional wank but meh, I think I’m done as far as sex is concerned.

PeppermintPasty · 20/05/2020 20:29

*never

Pineapple1 · 20/05/2020 20:32

You just need men who know how to please you sexually

Mischance · 20/05/2020 20:34

Underlying this thread is the sense of "should" or "ought" about how you should be or what you should feel. OP you are not a "weirdo" - you are simply you. And that is just fine.

I was someone, when younger, who could orgasm just thinking about it (!) so there were times when I just could not be arsed to achieve the same result by being leapt on, and finishing up in a sweaty heap with a cold wet puddle to contend with!

oralengineer · 20/05/2020 20:36

I love sex and was very sad when my libido vanished a couple of years ago. I thought that it was stress and menopause. Turns out my prolactin levels had crept up ( I was diagnosed with a prolactinoma in my twenties one of the worst symptoms is loss of libido, totally). So back on the medication and eventually all is well again.
DH is delighted!
The children years sap your energy but on reaching your 50s when the chances of pregnancy disappear sex really is good.

carlywurly · 20/05/2020 20:37

Felt like this with xh. It was an utter chore. Not ever lost interest with dp and it's been over 10 years now. I totally agree that hormonal contraceptives kill libido. The mirena coil was unbearable for me.

And the use it or lose it thing, totally agree there.

Whathewhatnow · 20/05/2020 20:42

I think some people genuinely arent that bothered by sex. My best male friend isn't bothered (I know, I inadvisedly shagged him fairly recently). He would much rather sit talking for 6 hours. All of his relationships have ended largely because he isn't bothered about sex. After we'd been to bed he told me he hadn't come with anyone else since he was 22. He is 46 now.

Me, I didnt want it much with ex. Compounded by antidepressants. Different now. I bought a rabbit from lovehoney. We're getting married when lockdown is over;)

OP you're not weird or unusual. Out of interest did you masturbate as a teen?

Summerofdespair20 · 20/05/2020 20:53

Yanbu. I really like sex, I'm single but I've always made sure I have a boyfriend or FWB as I get a bit grumpy without sex. Twice a week is fine for me.

Justmemyself · 20/05/2020 20:53

I hear you op. I'm happy to do it once in a blue mood. It's just so much faff what with clean up after and poor DH tries so hard as he wants me to enjoy it that I always feel a bit under pressure.

formerbabe · 20/05/2020 20:56

It's just so much faff what with clean up after

Is it? Confused the mind boggles

GinDaddyRedux · 20/05/2020 20:57

There are literally dozens of people on this thread saying that they couldn't be bothered at all by sex.

Could I ask, do all of your partners (if you have them) feel exactly the same as you?

It sort of befuddles and hurts my brain sometimes the number of threads on here that tell women who have complained that their male partner isn't interested in sex "leave the bastard... it won't work.. is he GAY?"

Yet here's a (lovely) OP that has come on and said "I'm a woman, and I could take it or leave it" and hey presto dozens are the same.

So if the partners of these dozens wrote a similar complaint post on Dadsnet or whatever saying "my DP shows no interest in sex" would you all chime in and say "leave the b..." or would we perhaps hear "you need to understand her.. have you talked to her... do you try and be in sync with her emotionally" etc.

I know this is a mainly women led forum by dint of the title and I am not a MRA by any length of the imagination.

But I have to point out this glaring double standard.

Women who aren't interested in sex on here are given hugs and support on this thread. That's a good thing in my view.

Women who come on and say their male partner isn't having sex with them get hugs and suppprt by way of "get rid of him.... it won't change..... he's blatantly gay" etc

My word. I give up.

Mtbf · 20/05/2020 20:59

Male 50’s. Can’t be bothered any more. Even wanking leaves me disappointed. The halcyon days of orgasm after orgasm and explosive ones at that are a distant memory. I wish I had made more of it when I was younger. All very meh nowadays either solo or with partner. I have only had one partner who literally blew me away sexually and alas that ended.

SporadicNamechange · 20/05/2020 21:02

The book Mating in Captivity (it’s by a psychoanalyst, I think) is really interesting. It’s about how modern LTRs so often kill off sexual desire and how the author has helped various couples to find theirs again.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 20/05/2020 21:04

How is that double standard?

Woman - "I don't feel like having sex"
Gets support.
Woman - "my partner doesn't want sex"
Gets support.

There's different types of support on MN. Some will hug, gentle support and other will be harsher and more upfront.
So a woman confused and asking if others are the same is going to get different responses to someone looking for guidance about a partner they're unhappy with.

Doesn't sound like a double standard..

Besides. MN posters aren't a hive mind and we all have different opinions, so posters on different threads will be different posters with different opinions.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/05/2020 21:05

@GinDaddyRedux

I'm single. I neither want nor need a partner. Sick of selfish men who think women should 'turn on' instantly just because they do.

pennylane83 · 20/05/2020 21:08

I have had other partners, and the sex was good, but it’s not like I really craved it or anything or thought about it afterwards

If you've had the same take it or leave it feelings towards sex with all your previous partners have you ever considered you may be asexual? There are many subcatergories under the asexual umbrella - its not just no sex ever. If not wanting to have sex is something you feel needs fixing/feel your missing out on something then I'd say its more of a libido thing but if you honestly feel there is nothing wrong with your lack of sexual desire (its not just that you cba) and its just you being you then I would lean towards being asexual.

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