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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone else not bothered by sex?

238 replies

Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 17:52

I’m embarrassed. And I feel weird. I’m a 29 year old women and I could quite happily take or leave sex. I like how it makes me feel connected to my partner (we’ve been together for years) and I like the cuddling after, but...meh. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think I’m asexual...but I don’t really masturbate or have sexual fantasies. I feel like a weirdo Sad can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Whathewhatnow · 20/05/2020 22:46

Okay we may be getting somewhere here OP. Have you ever had such intense feelings for a man? Like wanting to spend all your time with someone?

This may be totally barking up the wrong tree OP in which case I apologise.

Have you ever watched (erhical) lesbian porn? Not the horrible pornhub hetero Male fantasy shite...

FOJN · 20/05/2020 22:47

Godzillasonice
The strangest thing for me was not knowing other people experienced intense sexual attraction until I was nearly 40. When people said they fancied someone I just thought it meant they were acknowledging physical attractiveness, I had no idea they were talking about sexual desire. I have experienced sexual attraction but it appears to be very weak and rare. I have no idea what it means to no be able to keep your hands off someone even though I have experienced a strong desire for sex. My ambivalence must have been baffling and frustrating for partners. I feel quite relieved to have eventually worked it out and accepted myself just the way I am.

lollypopspan · 20/05/2020 22:48

Just turned 30 and not so keen on sex anymore. I hate going to sleep feeling sweaty and dirty and nothing is worse for me than sleeping in bed sheets that smell of sweaty sex! I had an ex who I had the most amazing sexual chemistry (but not much else) with and he was well worth getting dirty bed sheets for but with my DP now I would rather not. Ps I feel terrible saying that but it’s the truth.

Wafflingonagain · 20/05/2020 22:49

I feel sad that I’m mid 40s and know I’ll never experience an orgasm

lilgreen · 20/05/2020 22:53

My sheets don’t get dirty or sweaty after sex. That only happens in the movies.

FOJN · 20/05/2020 22:56

Oh and pics of "sexy" men would make me cringe. I was always mystified by the appeal of acts such as the Chippendales.

Godzillasonice · 20/05/2020 23:00

@ Whathewhatnow I’m not the op but think you may be talking to me. No I haven’t felt like that about any man. I just got into relationships with my exes because I felt I had to then I stayed with them for years as I don’t like upsetting people. (God that sounds pathetic).

I’ve only seen porn hub stuff. I do like programmes about lesbian relationships though.

Godzillasonice · 20/05/2020 23:02

@ FOJN I’m glad I’m not the only one to feel like that. I have never had that feeling either.

DaveTheDesigner · 20/05/2020 23:05

So, this begs a question, probably one amongst many. Are those of you in long term relationships and marriages OK with your other half using porn to fill the chasm of a sexless relationship while maintaining a relationship with the person he loves and wouldn’t consider forcing into having sex she no longer wants? The alternative is plainly either he (it could of course be a she but the principle remains the same) puts up and shuts up, has a bit on the side, or leaves you. Answers on a postcard.

Original poster
Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 23:05

Yes @Whathewhatnow I think you were talking to Godzillasonice - I haven’t particularly fantastised about women, and have felt a very intense, romantic emotional connection with my current partner and one other boyfriend before. Really interesting to hear your thoughts about masturbation in teen years being a general indicator of libido - that makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
failedasaparent · 20/05/2020 23:07

Another one who has never experienced orgasm. I don't have a partner and there's no reason why I would want one.

Original poster
Whatsupdog · 20/05/2020 23:08

@Godzillasonice that doesn’t sound pathetic at all. It’s ok. I think we’re all conditioned to avoid upsetting people. For me, I really find change hard, and saying goodbye to the past/ different periods of my life, and I think that’s affected a lot of the decisions I’ve made.

OP posts:
GinDaddyRedux · 20/05/2020 23:11

@DaveTheDesigner v good question.....I tried to ask this earlier but it was studiously avoided

OnlyThenWhen · 20/05/2020 23:13

@DaveTheDesigner it is an interesting question. I'm not in a long term relationship so I can't really answer (although my guy reaction would be yes, depending on the type of porn- I am not rabidly anti-porn, although I do have some concerns) and would be interested in views of those in long term relationships.

FOJN · 20/05/2020 23:15

DaveTheDesigner
As far as I'm aware a mature and responsible adult has every right to end a relationship if it is failing to meet their needs and a discussion about it does not lead to a satisfactory and workable solution for both parties. Or they could choose a less healthy option and threaten to have an affair if their partner just won't lie back and think of England.

dazzlinghaze · 20/05/2020 23:25

In my teens I always had a very high sex drive even before I was sexually active. Then I met my first proper boyfriend and was with him from 20-24. The sex was always awful, he was selfish in bed and had a lot of issues in that department and in general was an awful boyfriend. At first I was so sexually frustrated but over time my sex drive just disappeared to the point I didn't even fantasise or masturbate anymore. Towards the end of the relationship I remember googling 'am I asexual?'Because my drive was so non existent.

Once I left him my sex drive returned almost immediately. I started thinking about sex again and masturbating as often as I used to and now I'm with a man who I love and love having sex with. I want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. It's fairly early into the relationship so I know it probably won't always be this intense but I wasn't like this with my ex even in the very early days of our relationship.

So could it be that you're just not happy with your partner on some level? Has your sex drive always been this way? If yes, there's nothing wrong with that if both you and your partner are happy!

DaveTheDesigner · 20/05/2020 23:25

@fojn I think you’re missing the point. If you love them and want to stay but have a higher sex drive, what would be a reasonable compromise given that most would say the relationship is paramount, which is my view? Hubby having to deal with it and demanding that he just has to suck it up and join you in your sexless life? Or you sacrifice the relationship? I’m sure there are some couples who arrive at ‘an arrangement’ regarding what you might call an open relationship but for the rest of us?

dazzlinghaze · 20/05/2020 23:28

Sorry just read the full thread and seen you've never had much of a sex drive. That's absolutely fine, OP. Everyone is different, sexuality is such a personal thing.

Sittingontheveranda · 20/05/2020 23:44

My sheets don’t get dirty or sweaty after sex. That only happens in the movies.

I don't believer sheets only get dirty in the movies. In my twenties, my bedlinen did get sweaty and dirty from having sex. Also it didn't help that I wore fake tan all the time :).
Now my sheets don't get dirty and I don't have sex. I masturbate before my period and sometimes at other times, but I rarely want sex with DH. Our relationship isn't great and there isn't either a physical or emotional connection and I can't have or enjoy sex without either of the above.

FOJN · 20/05/2020 23:46

DaveTheDesigner
I think you should read my response again, I don't think I've missed the point at all.

If a couple still love each other and want to stay together they will work out a solution. If one party is not having their needs met despite that discussion they are not a victim (although they may feel sad and rejected) they have choices and can leave if they want to. You may describe that as sacrificing the relationship but I would ask why you think it a sacrifice if your needs are unmet to such a degree that you are contemplating leaving or having an affair. If you think you are compelled to "suck it up* then you are denying your power to make a choice as difficult as that might be. If the relationship is paramount and you are prioritising it's preservation then that is also a choice. And yes some couples may negotiate a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement.

DaveTheDesigner · 20/05/2020 23:52

@fojn but you didn’t address my question about porn use as a mitigation or compromise did you? What’s your view? Throw the relationship under the bus if your husband resorts to having a wank over a picture of another woman? It’s a fair question.

FOJN · 20/05/2020 23:59

DaveTheDesigner
No I avoided dealing with that aspect because modern porn seems to be increasingly violent, quite a few men seek to emulate it and consequently make poor sexual partners. Other women are free to choose for themselves but having been married to a man who consumed quite a lot of porn and then subsequently treated me as a receptacle to wank into it would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I do hope my opinion based on personal experience is acceptable to you!

Sittingontheveranda · 20/05/2020 23:59

Are those of you in long term relationships and marriages OK with your other half using porn to fill the chasm of a sexless relationship while maintaining a relationship with the person he loves and wouldn’t consider forcing into having sex she no longer wants?

I find it difficult to answer due to your use of the word 'force'. While you wouldn't ie cannot force your partner to have sex she no longer wants, the majority of women in the porn industry are only there by force.

MadCattery · 21/05/2020 00:05

DH and I are in our very late 50's and hardly have time or energy during the busy work week. But, that's what weekends are for, and we both look forward to it and still enjoy it. We've known each other so many years, we know what works, but still have a few tricks to keep from getting bored, and have been known to stop and giggle at some points. Still crazy about him and still crazy about sex!

user1471565182 · 21/05/2020 00:36

Yep, and Ive had plenty of partners, tried some extreme stuff, simple fact is its just fucking overrated