Is having children the be all and end all?

[StavrosFlatley]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

I dont have any kids and have never really wanted them, ill admit my relationship with my friends has changed and it was harder whilst their children were very young. Once they got to toddler age i found i could interact much more and im now the fun aunty! I suppose my friendships have changed and ive forged myself a new life, new hobbies etc but work hard to keep in contact with my oldest friends. Their lives arent all roses despite what facebook/Instagram show!.

Thanks @Ilikewinter - that's made me feel better. What does life look like without children? I always assumed I would have kids before, and now really trying to see all the advantages of having a future without them.

For me it was the be all and end all due to issues in childhood, however people without children have equally fulfilling lives (and a lot more sleep!). Find the things you enjoy doing (and people who enjoy doing the same things).

Everyone is different. I wouldn't pay too much attention to social media because everyone posts on the good days when the children have made their own hummus or the family have written a novel together. Nobody posts saying the children had cake for breakfast and then stared at the TV all day, but we all have those days too.

For me, having children has been the best and hardest thing I've ever done. I have never felt such happiness, love or pride. I have also had tears, sleepless nights and stress. As with everything there are positives and negatives.

If you can't have children you can still have a great life. It is what you make it. A child free life would allow you greater freedom and give you more choices. You'd be better off financially and have the time to do things to make you feel fulfilled.

No it’s not the be all and all, and I say that as someone who was infertile and could not have any. There are other things in life.

I know lots of couples who chose not to have children and they are very happy with their choice. It’s definitely not the be all and end all of life. I want kids, but I think I could have a happy fulfilling life without them tbh.

I have a 3 year old. I love her with all my heart but its hard work being a parent. My life has changed a lot and there are things I can't do anymore which I sometimes miss.

Social media is the fun bits people want you to see. A lot of parenting is relentless and boring.

What completes you is what is personal to you. I was desperate to have my children and had recurrent miscarriage so I really did feel a sense of "completion" once my daughter arrived. I still have goals and ambitions and milestones to achieve though, it's what's important on your journey. Your friends do sound a little self obsessed though, it's not normal to just endlessly send photos of your children to friends unprompted.

You only have to read some of the threads on here now that people are having to spend all day every day with their children to know it's not all great. Plenty of people have very happy fulfilled lives without children and plenty of people with children wish they hadn't bothered.

I'm 30 so still 'young' in the grand scheme of things. I'm lucky to have a mixture of friends without kids and friends with kids. So far, it hasn't felt alienating as I have that balance. Ask me again in 5 years time! And by the way, I am 90 percent sure I don't want kids (happily with my DP). I know that I will have a fulfilling life!

All they will put on social media is the good times, the best photos, the days out, I do love it but at times it can be very boring and sometimes I'd love to sit in peace or eat my dinner without having to share with my toddler (even if he's just ate he always wants what I have ). I think it depends on you as an individual and deciding what you want because social media definitely is not a reflection on reality.

When people have children I don't think they truly understand the enormity and permanence of it. They think of cute snapshots, the first christmas, the first school nativity etc. Children change your life and your mindset.
I have plenty of friends without children and tbh it's nice to meet up with them and still be 'me' rather than talking about nothing but the children.
It's definitely not like people portray it on social media but then nothing is.
Don't put pressure on yourself to need children to be complete in life, there are plenty of positives to not having them too!

I don't have children and I have a full and happy life.

I think there's a depth of emotion that you perhaps don't get to experience when you don't have children but I'm absolutely fine with that, as I think it's both positive and negative emotions. And I don't need to experience that for myself.

I'm only in my twenties and have a toddler. We were the first of our (small) social circles to do so and we only have one other friend couple with a child who is a few months younger than ours but they live far away in a different part of the country. I did have to build a whole new social circle for us (although mainly myself as I was the one on mat leave). But I didn't want to do that, I had to because my local friends turned out to be completely uninterested in us once I was pregnant, for the most part. They stopped inviting us to social gatherings and cut us out of the 'circle' basically. I have managed to maintain some low level contact with only one of those friends who has since apologised. I also have one other local friend without children who I've seen every few months throughout my DD being born etc. I enjoy spending time with my friends without children, without children being around! Similarly me and my new social circle of people with children, we meet up now and again without them all. I don't think many people who have kids actually want their entire social life to be child centred, ime it's often forced that way because the friends without children no longer want much to do with us. That has been the experience of most of my 'new' friends with young children too, in their old social groups.

I don't think having children is the be all and end all for lots of people, maybe it is for some? I don't know, we are all different. I can definitely imagine a positive, fulfilling life with DH without children hah but I appreciate I'm privileged to say that as we already have one, maybe I would feel differently if we weren't able to have one, I don't know. There are definitely lots of things I would do if I didn't have DC though, that I would have enjoyed and found fulfilling - travel, short term stints living/working abroad, more hobbies, more sleep (sorry if that sounds glib, but it really does affect my wellbeing), more time just chilled out and enjoying company with my DH and family and friends, better job which would be more interesting and with better pay (have had to severely limit my career due to DC so I work in a close-to-dead-end low paid PT role for the flexibility, limited commute, WFH ops etc which I'm overqualified for and little prospect of promotion for years).

I have one, stopped at one, don't want any more. I've been riddled with doubt since the moment he was born and have not enjoeyd GREAT SWATHES of parenthood. He's now 9yo and lockdown has been fucking awful, he's so sociable and bubbly and active, he's now a couch potato scared of going outside, no interest in learning anything (like fun stem activities, making robots out of card, being harry potter for a day and inventing spells etc). Minecraft, Roblox and shit Disney films all the day long.

Mind you, i post very little about him on fakebook, but have on whatsapp and on whatsapp i'm much more likely to mention the cons, not just the pros, and my friends with children are the same. 'Here's 18mo X in a cute dress reading to the dog... 5 minutes later she was crying to go outside in the rain, then crying in the rain, refused to change out of wet clothes, had a meltdown, threw her food about then had a four-hour nap!' type stuff.

I love my son beyond anything i could imagine, but one was enough when he was small and is definitely enough now he's older. I'm quite unmaternal and my life doesn't revolve around him. I do have a couple of friends and an aquaintance who are ALL about their kids, it's not my way but hey let them get on with it.

Of course there are heart melting moments (im gonna live with you forever, sob sob) and he often falls alseep in our bed if he's sad.

If we didn't have a child we'd have lived in more countries and not had a dog. We've lived in two Italian cities, two Spanish cities, Dublin and London. We were seriously thinking about a move to southern France a couple of years ago, and honestly should have made the leap when he was 6. But heyho, we get to visit once or twice a year and hopefully he'll be intererested in learning French at school.

All the clichés with having kids are true. Yes to the fierce love/pride/joy etc but also all the exact opposite to balance it out. frustration/worry/guilt/stress. You absolutely don't need kids to experience the highs and lows life has to offer.

No, it's not. And anyone who says it is, or tries to suggest you're missing out, is an idiot.

If YOU want children, then go ahead and fight for that in whatever form works for you based on your personal circumstances. But please don't for one second think that if you decide it's not for you that you are lesser in any way.

My BF posts gorgeous pictures of her and her DH hiking and doing lots of outdoor stuff. And of her dogs. Because she doesn't have kids. Instead, she's posting the things that ARE important to her. I enjoy those pictures as much as I those of friends who have just had a baby.

I have two children and I adore them. However, I feel that I could have had just as interesting and rewarding and full a life if I hadn’t had them.

It was for me. I never really excelled in life. I had jobs but never a career and the jobs were never that good. I never really knew what I wanted to do. Then I met DH and we had kids and everything fell into place. My kids are my life. Really. I'm a hard disciplinarian when I need to be and the kids are an absolute dream. They behave wonderfully and we're all so close. I'm immensely proud of them every single day. My teen and I are amazingly close too.

But, others are different. It's not the same for them. My own mum for example. Fine I suppose but I'd say she probably lost interest before we even finished Primary. She'd do the bare minimum. Her devotions laid elsewhere. The pets got fed more regularly than DSis and I.

I don't know anyone childless by choice but I do know a few who's kids are not their be all and end all. Which is sad because the children do exist now.

The idea that women are incomplete until they breed is grim.
I'm also disabled due to chronic illness and am absolutely confident that I am a whole person. I don't need a partner or kids to complete me. Having those things is nice for many people but women can be so much more than wives and mothers.

For some people, yes having children is the be all and end all. Others never wanted to have children and for them, being childfree is a very positive choice. I am very happily in the latter group, and have absolutely no regrets.

The question is, OP, what do you want? That is the only thing which should matter to you. Ignore social media and mike the right decision for you.

Good luck.

Is having children really the be all and end all?

Only if you want it to be.

For me it was. But I have friends for whom it isn't.

It's your choice.

I do know though that I'm really feeling right now for both of my neighbours. Both in their 70's. Lost their partners, child free by choice. They are both completely on their own. I'm doing the best I can being the 'daughter' they didn't have, but it's surely not the same.

I would hate to be like that in later life. BUT for some people, they would be fine with it. Only you know.

No children here, never wanted any. Not really seen any reason to change my mind. Some people seem happy with the ones they have had, many are divorced, many have problem children.

Most of the people I see regularly (outside the current panic) don’t have any either and are quite happy.

One horse one dog, and a husband, good mix

No it's not the be all and end all. I really wish in real life people actually openly admitted the realities of it and not just when you get pregnant. And then say at the end "oh but they're worth it" ... sometimes I'm not sure it is worth it.