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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is having children the be all and end all?

228 replies

StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 11:28

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

OP posts:
Wisenotboring · 20/05/2020 16:00

Not at all! I have three wonderful children who I love with all my heart but there can and should be many other things in life. I wouldn't change my choice have 3, but it's work am has effectively closed some other doors for me as I like to be really present for them. Life without children is different, not better not worse, there are pros and cons to both. Having said all that, you just don't know what the future holds...you are very young!! All the best

Lottapianos · 20/05/2020 16:03

FucksBizz, I love that poem! So sorry to hear about your fertility struggles. You will be fine, and your life will be great, but it hurts when it feels like everyone around you gets pregnant easily

Franticbutterfly · 20/05/2020 16:05

For me it was. The joy they bring me each day could n't be equalled by anything else (I had a good career prior to becoming a Mum). But, if I hadn't have had them, I'd have a lot more money, holidays and hobbies (my main "hobby" now is cleaning and doing laundry). So there are pluses and minuses.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 20/05/2020 16:12

No, it's not the be all and end all, and I have three.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/05/2020 16:14

You can be yourself with or without kids and it’s not a given that you’ll pull away from childless friends. Sometimes, especially as an older mum, I find myself turning away from my friends / family my age with older kids as a lot have been either really judgemental in the past or insensitive about my infertility. My childless friends / family have always been more chilled out. It’s nothing to do with having kids (or not) and everything to do with personalities.

billy1966 · 20/05/2020 16:15

I alwsys Hmmwhen I hear "who will look after you when you are old if you don't have children"..eh I really wouldn't be depending on your children for your elder care needs.

People travel, move and stay abroad.
Kids and parents aren't close.

Old age is not a good reason to have children.

NeutrinoWrangler · 20/05/2020 16:18

Until my late 30s, I always sort of assumed I'd probably have children "someday", but honestly, I was never really driven to have them, and for one reason or another, we never have.

I can still imagine happy snapshots of how our life could have been with children, but life can be just as good (if not better, in some ways) without them. (And there are many times I find myself grateful to not have to deal with the headaches and uncertainties that come with parenting.)

I think many people have children just because it's "what you do". For most, it works out well enough. Once you have children, they understandably become your life and you can't imagine life without them.

But if you don't have children, all the time and effort that goes into raising them can be diverted into other pursuits. You have more disposable income, more time, more freedom and flexibility. There are options available to you than you are all but impossible with children to consider.

I can't deny that there are still times when I wonder about what we might be missing and question what the future will be like without children (and potentially grandchildren), but I've seen others live very happy and fulfilled lives without them, so I'm confident we can, too.

I think it's important to remember that no-one's life is perfect. Some people have children and end up regretting the decision. Even people who love their kids and seem to be living a perfect life have worries and problems related to the children. What they put up on Instagram is (usually) just the best, brightest, funniest, most exciting aspects of parenthood. They tend not to focus on the hard work, concerns, frustration, and sheer boredom.

NeutrinoWrangler · 20/05/2020 16:21

*options available to you that are all but impossible...

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 20/05/2020 16:22

Well if OP truly only wanted to hear one opinion it should have been titled 'tell me having children isn't' the be all and end all' then?

And then we'd only have opinion.

Very unlike AIBU or even MN.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 20/05/2020 16:22

One opinion.

SoloMummy · 20/05/2020 16:25

For me, once in mid 30s and I wanted a child, it did become be all, end all. I was told that I would never have children, but had extensive treatment that made this possible.

In your scenario, the issue would be whether you want children or not. If not physically able, there are obviously other options, such as fostering or adoption.
The be all, end all, is about how you feel about it. Would you regret more not having than you would having...

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 16:28

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that posts about the joy they bring being unequal to anything else or how you'd find life pointless if you didn't have children may be a bit fucking hard for someone to hear in OPs situation.

I guess I just try to apply some empathy before posting and don't use 'they asked a question' or 'its AIBU what do you expect?' as an excuse not to.

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 16:31

And no, I think you'd still get swathes of posters coming on to tell you how it really was the best thing ever for them though even if OP had said 'tell me it's not the be all and end all?' because people can't help themselves.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/05/2020 16:34

Err no!
Particularly during lockdown when there is zero break from it!
It must be difficult feeling like you're missing out. It's a very different life that's for sure. There are many pros and cons for having kids and not. Doesn't sound like you're friends are being very sensitive?
Theres a lot of pressure to appear like life is amazing on SM. No one is going to tell you about infected boobs, sleepless nights etc.
If you're friends are all wrapped up with their kids, which is fair enough, perhaps you could take up a new activity or hobby post lockdown?

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 20/05/2020 16:39

Maybe AIBU really isn't the best place then? As people tend to speak their minds. Whatever they may be.

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 16:40

Well then me speaking my mind is saying I think it's rather cruel, unnecessary and I don't like it 🤷

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 20/05/2020 16:42

Fair enough.

lynsey91 · 20/05/2020 16:54

Me and DH are childfree by choice. Married 40 years I can honestly say neither of us have ever regretted our decision even for a minute. Quite the opposite in fact. We quite often say to each other how thankful we are that we didn't have children.

We do have friends with children that are happy but far more have divorced (some more than once) and quite a few blame having children on the cause of the marriage breakdown. Quite a few have problem children (drugs, teenage pregnancy, crime - 2 friends have children in prison).

The friends with problem children seem to spend so much time worrying about them and being upset/crying.

So many of our friends have said if they could go back in time they would not have children whereas all the friends who chose to be childfree say they are happy with their choice.

Maybe coincidence but none of our childfree friends are divorced and we have quite a lot of them. They are all on first marriages and the shortest marriage is 29 years, the longest 50 years.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/05/2020 17:58

@AreYouAchinForSomeBacon since you're clearly talking about me Hmm

The reason I replied was because the OP asked an interesting question and it got me thinking, and I thought it doesn't really help the OP to have nothing but a sea of "kids suck, your life will be better without them" posts alongside a load of "my kids are my life" posts. I thought it might be useful for her to see that people's reasons for having/not having kids are many and varied and it's not a straightforward case of "kids will automatically make you happy" or "everyone else is doing it" - which seemed to be her impression in her OP -its the feeling left out she seemed upset by rather than not having kids in itself so I was trying to give a different perspective.

If you're going to take issue with tone deaf replies that don't just sympathise with the op, why not also pull up all the people going on about how they're "childfrre by choice" and "can't see why anyone would want children", when that clearly isn't the op's situation and if it were she wouldn't be upset? By your lights only people who are childless against their will but have a positive story to tell about that should post!

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 18:13

why not also pull up all the people going on about how they're "childfrre by choice" and "can't see why anyone would want children", when that clearly isn't the op's situation and if it were she wouldn't be upset? By your lights only people who are childless against their will but have a positive story to tell about that should post!

Can you honestly not see why these posts, even though they aren't exactly what the OP is experiencing, will be easier to swallow than paragraphs about how fantastic having children is?

Posters who are childfree by choice are able to give the positives of not having children, which I would assume is what OP wants, whether or not the reason they are childfree is exactly the same as the OPs is irrelevant.

If you can't understand why hearing posters banging on about how their life would be pointless without children, how it's the most amazing bloody fantastic thing ever in the universe, or how they think you'll be lonely when you get old blah blah, might be more than a bit hard to read in OPs position then I think you're missing a sensitivity chip tbh.

Whether or not the OP asked the question, I still don't think it's necessary and it doesn't take two seconds of just engaging your brain and being a bit understanding to get why.

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 18:17

I mean I'm not being funny Venice but you wrote multiple paragraphs about how amazing you think having children is and how much its changed you for the better on a thread where a woman is struggling with the idea of possibly never having that...

It just always looks to me like posters use these sorts of threads as a means to gloat about how amazing it is having kids to someone who is concerned about not being able to. Seems cruel imo.

EmpressLangClegInChair · 20/05/2020 18:19

I’ve heard the care home argument often enough. I’ll risk it.

Sacrificing years of my life, happiness & mental health now on the off chance that I might be thankful when I’m in my 80s is not worth it.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/05/2020 18:42

@AreYouAchinForSomeBacon well not really being funny and if we're speaking our minds, I think it's rather patronising of you to presume to speak for the OP on the assumption she hasn't got the wit to say what she means.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/05/2020 18:43

But then I do find thread police spectacularly tedious.

GettingUntrapped · 20/05/2020 18:45

At the moment for me, and many times before the pandemic, being a mother is absolutely awful. It's relentlessly boring drugery, yet 'society' has a zipped silence about this. You deviate from 'mother-as-saint' mode, and you are in for a ticking off. It feels like slavery/ bondage. A huge trap.