Is having children the be all and end all?

[StavrosFlatley]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

I have one child after years of infertility and many losses. It’s sometimes great, but often a complete pain in the arse and currently a huge logistical nightmare. I don’t feel ‘complete’ except in that I am no longer broody - which is a huge relief, as being broody was like being insane and obsessed for years. If I could have just not been broody (and hence not had dc) I think my quality of life would be much better, to be honest.

Everyone is different.
If having a child is really important to you then try and work out how you could do this. If you are not sure but worry you could regret this then I'd suggest talking this through with a counsellor.
Many women chose not to have children and sadly for others it doesn't happen despite their longing.
You might find that finding a sounding board will help you make peace with whatever decision you make.

For me it's been the be all and end all. The big experience of my life. But it's definitely not that way for everyone, and I can think of a million things I would do to fulfil myself if I hadn't had children (heck I can think of a million things I would do THIS EVENING if I hadn't had children!!) :P

But:

It's changed who I am in a way that I like, or possibly revealed aspects of my nature I value.

It's given me something that I think is important to do: I'm a bit of an arts/humanities sort of person, that's where my passions and talents lie, but in all my endeavours in those fields I'd eventually come up a wall of knowing it just didn't MATTER if I write this paper, finish this novel, research this long-dead socialist - I'll enjoy it, it'll be interesting, I might possibly even be able to make a living out of it if I'm lucky, but it won't MATTER - not like space travel and curing cancer matter, both things my brain just isn't cut out to achieve or contribute to. But I know, every morning when I get out of bed to dress her, feed her, entertain and love her - it matters. It is important, essential work that I am the best person to do, and that I'm good at. It never feels pointless, or like I'm faking it, or filling time, even when I'm not enjoying it very much.

I think it depends a lot on where your values lie combined with what gets you going. I've always been about the inner life, feelings, perceptions, the story. These things are inherently useless except to ourselves; so the only energy I can direct outward that both serves my personal passion but also meets my definition of what is of value that I've found so far is parenting. It's like writing the first few chapters of a story that I know will be the most important thing of all to someone - to her. It's creative, and personal, and will have a significant outcome (good or bad!).

I know this is a lot of waffle but I find it hard to justify why i am so into motherhood sometimes as it often seems to get a bit of a sneer from people of my (educated middle class) demographic who don't understand how I can be so committed to and obsessed by something so mundane when I am capable of more 'high-minded' or 'exciting' things.

I'm another one who made a positive choice not to have children and have never regretted it, I'm 48 now. I have a lovely life filled with hobbies and friends. I'm happy for friends who wanted children and now have a family but I knew at a very young age it wouldn't be for me.

To me it was a be all and end all, I wanted a child and always knew I wanted one. Raising a child is hard but rewarding.

I can’t have children. I am devastated by this, but it’s still quite raw. With time, I can see that I will reconcile myself to a life that looks completely different to how I once imagined. I’m starting a PhD in September, I have a wonderful job at at university, I have lots of time for my hobbies, I have two lovely dogs and a husband who is genuinely my soulmate. I want to travel lots (corona has thrown a spanner in the works for the immediate future!), and I want to one day work up to a professorship. I think this will probably be much easier than it would have been had I been lucky enough to have children.

I don’t think having children is better or worse than a child free life, it’s just different. I’m trying to remain positive and focus on the things that I can change. I’m in my mid twenties and I very much hope that I can have a different type of life, not defined by my inability to ever have children, or by the presence of a small human.

I am enough, in and of myself, I don’t need to produce another human to know that.

Every single one of us is amazing really. We are all the result of an unbroken line going back millions and millions of years. All it would have taken was one of my fish-like ancestors to be eaten by a bigger fish and I wouldn't be here!
Ultimately children are the be all and end all. We are not immortal however we live on through our children.

Excellent post VeniceQueen2004.

Just a little lighthearted something that may raise a smile for those of us who can’t or have chosen not to have children.

As I say, I would have loved to have them, but there are some advantages to not being able to.

It's a personal thing, no one can say what is right for you. I knew I wanted kids, not everyone does. There's also other ways to raise a child eg adoption, fostering, being a step parent - most councils also have schemes where you can essentially support a child in the care system without being the primary caregiver, a sort of appointed auntie if full time parenting isn't for you. Others are quite happy not to be a parent. Concentrate on your own health and see where life takes you, none of us know

Also, just to point out, not having children doesn’t mean you’re expected to live a fascinating life with the best career, the cleanest house, the most exotic holidays. You don’t have to do a Ph.D to fill your time, become the CEO, volunteer at an elephant sanctuary, or keep ridiculously slim.

There’s this narrative around childfree/childless women at times that goes “she doesn’t have children but her house is spotless and she’s always traveling”. Absolutely, there are plenty of people out there like that, but there are plenty who are looking forward to clocking off their supermarket shift and taking their bra off on the couch.

Lots of women with children seem to speak like this as a way of convincing themselves that they would have had the capability to achieve these things if they didn’t have children, but the truth is there’s plenty of room for average in all walks of life.

I really really dislike on posts like this just how many people come on to tell you how amazing and wonderful and the best thing absolutely EVER that they found having children to be.

It's quite obvious that OP is struggling with her situation so I don't really see the need for those posters who think that having children is the be all and end all for them, to post? Why do you feel the need to tell someone who's struggling with the prospect of possibly never having children that having children was the best, most amazing thing that ever happened to you? Or saying that you wouldn't want to grow old without children because your childless elderly neighbours are lonely. It feels like a subtle kick when someone's down imo and it doesn't really bring anything to the thread.

I have children, am a single parent then became disabled.
Being a parent is amazing /life changing, being a disabled parent is harder physically and mentally for me. I would not bring dc into the world if I'd have been like this before dc.
Focusing on the positives dc are more independent, aware of others differences, able to do things their peers can't however why should they have grown up quicker than they needed to. I'm very independent and if I can do it myself I will (or in normal times pay someone) but they still become your carer in some way.
I do believe we can all have forfilling lives with or without dc.
Disability as you'll be aware means changes and sometimes its the small things that become big achievements. Your life goals have to change and you mourn the life you planned. It's not fair but life is what I say to my dc.
6 years ago I had a career it meant a great deal to me - I had to give it up it totally devastated me for a while. It took a while to realise I was making myself iller and needed to mourn the plans I could no longer have but also look forward to a realistic new future (which is on a good day have a few hours sat out of bed, maybe able to read, chat with dc) its a world away from my old life and I have days where the whole situation still flaws me but I had to change my mindset to continue living.
So yes you can have a fulfilled life without dc but I think a lot will be about you processing /mourning the life you'd planned.

Are we reading the same thread? A few people have said that, but many have given balanced and interesting responses.

Surely the best thing would be for posters who didn't feel that having children were the be all and end all to share their reasons for it and encourage the OP to see the positives if it were to happen.

If it were me it would make me feel 10x shitter hearing lots of PP tell me how amazing it is always with a little 'but not everyone is the same' slipped in at the end to make sure they have a comeback if anyone points it out.

I think people are genuinely answering the OP's question as per the title?

I have no time for the whole 'Who will visit you in the care home? ' brigade though.

I know absolutely no one who had that in mind when they decided to have children. At least I hope so. How fucking weird.

A few people have said that, but many have given balanced and interesting responses

Yes they have, I'm not saying that every poster has done it. There's lots of lovely and supportive replies. It always just perplexes me as to why anyone (and there has been more than a few on here) would feel the need.

Happily childfree and post hysterectomy here, and I actually can’t think of a single reason why anyone would want to have children. It doesn’t make sense to me to give up so much freedom for so much worry.

Someone said mothers (or parents) are only as happy as their least happy child 😮
That’s not a situation I want to be in

@AreYouAchinForSomeBacon I agree with you entirely. It’s quite tone deaf.

I think people are genuinely answering the OP's question as per the title?

I agree with Bacon to be honest. It happens often on threads like this and I always think why would you say that to someone who's clearly having a hard time with the prospect?

I understand there was a question asked but I personally would read the OP and think to myself that this probably isn't the best thread to start a huge paragraph about how wonderful being a mother is and how much its changed me for the better and so on.

In answer to your question though OP. Not it absolutely isn't the be all and end all, there are lots of things life has to offer not just children.

Someone said mothers (or parents) are only as happy as their least happy child 😮
That’s not a situation I want to be in

Yes that’s something I have thought about too - it’s really like a kind of emotional slavery isn’t it? A worry switch that you can never turn off - even when they are adults.

For me I couldn’t really see the point in life without children. I mean we are basically here to procreate.

But I don’t live my life for my children. They are not my everything’s, my whole world etc etc (barf) I am still my own person not just Mummy. They are pretty cool though and I’m proud of them.

Everyone experiences life differently, you don’t need to have kids and honestly you’ll be richer and less tired if you don’t.

Yes. Procreation seems to be what this world is all about judging by every other living thing.

For me I couldn’t really see the point in life without children. I mean we are basically here to procreate

Prime example. Why would anyone say this to someone who's struggling at the thought of never having kids?

It may be what you think but it's just thoughtless and hurtful.

Just to reassure you, my mum’s two best friends don’t have kids and they are still friends now aged 65, having known each other since their teens. They don’t live nearby and it was probably a bit hard when we were little, but mum used to go and visit without kids or just one of us sometimes, which helped them keep in touch. She made them godparents so they were at least a bit involved. And then once we got to our mid teens they realised we were somewhat interesting and now my sister and I are quite close to them too! So the years when everyone has under 10s may be hard, but it doesn’t mean you can’t stay friends.

On a personal level, I’ve always desperately wanted children but now I’m pregnant with my first I’m very nervous about how it will change our lives, how there’s no going back, what a huge responsibility it is. It sounds like you are only concerned about missing out, not that you already have a huge urge to have children that you can’t fulfil. If you’re just worried about missing out, I’d say focus on what already makes you happy and fulfils you - comparison is the thief of joy and social media is its tool.