Is having children the be all and end all?

[StavrosFlatley]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

The 30s are a time when lots of friends will start their family. By 40s it calms down. I'm children from choice and found that while in my 30s I felt external pressure to have children although I didn't want any.

Life without children, for me, is wonderful. I have friends who are also childfree and now see a lit of friends struggling with the challenges of teenagers.

Probably a controversial comment but if I could go back in time I would choose not to have children

Absolutely not. Children are an 18 (or more) year drain on your finances and emotional resources, and a lifelong drain on the environment, with no guarantee they will grow up to be supportive of you in later life.

I like this quote - "Never compare your behind the scenes to other people's greatest hits."

You're seeing all the cute pictures and SM posts, you're not seeing the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the poonamis.

No, not at all! I didn't know what I wanted when I was growing up, I never had a burning desire to start a family but similarly I didnt have strong feelings against it. I love DS, of course I do, but I wouldn't say my life was better or worse, but different. I was fortunate enough to feel very fulfilled and happy with life beforehand though, but we had the luxury of choice I suppose which makes a difference to how I feel towards it. All that matters is how you feel, as everyone is different.

No, but they are all-consuming for a while. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that's only just the case here after 18 months of night wakings too. I send photos of my toddler when asked what I have been doing, because I'm literally doing nothing else!

For every friend l have got with children, l have got another one who hasn't got any. As far as my friendships go with them, l still want to see the child free friends (sometimes more so!). So l wouldn't assume they won't want to still be your friend. I never planned in having children, am obviously delighted l have got a daughter but honestly think you still have a great life without them....hard to say without knowing you but is it something you might regret when you are much older?

No. I get much more pleasure out of having cats than I did parenthood. My son lives 400 miles away and I rarely see him now he's in his late 30s because he is very busy with work. I've made my life here with my friends and pets.I'd rather leave something behind like the book I'm writing and my antique collection. It doesn't have to be children. Your legacy can be anything.

On StarUtopia’s point - some of the most isolated elderly people I’ve encountered through work have multiple children (including one man with six).

Children are no guarantee that you won’t be lonely in later life at all.

Children aren't for everyone.

Personally, I'm nothing without my children, because my life was utterly empty before them. I've had many close relatives die since I was young. I was desperately alone most of my life. I've seen elderly childless relatives sit alone and live alone and lament the fact they never met "the one" or had kids. For those that have a great fulfilling career, great friends, greats pets etc, that's honestly great. But I never found that. I grew up being called ugly by men that didn't even know me, being laughed at, not being able to really fit in but my children love me for me and it's selfish but they are so precious. I still haven't found any "calling" in life. And though it was horrifically hard at first I would never change having them for anything.

What hammeringmyhead said. My thirties were swamped in nappy changes and trying to get enough sleep. Lots of baby pics on social media because I didn't have much else going on. Once the kids get a bit older, they become a little less all-consuming.

I always wanted kids and I had good career/jobs, mortgage paid off on a big family home and lots of savings before I had them. I had easy little ones, could afford to go part time and do lots of stuff with them and still keep my hand in at work. But the teenage years were absolutely traumatic, I'm not being dramatic here. I had a few years of hell. They have grown up now and got jobs, bought homes, with partners, savings and a baby on the way, we all get on etc. I do feel like I lost my life for a while though after having such a lovely time before with them. I really didn't see it coming. It's so different for everyone but under no circumstances think it will be perfect. There will be up and downs like everything.

I don’t think having children is the be all & end all but as pp’s have said, it’s your decision. If you end up not conceiving naturally, there are other options including adoption. DH & I met in our mid 30s & struggled to conceive then eventually adopted DD11. I worried that we wouldn’t love her the same as a biological child but the love was instant from the very first second we met. It’s bloody hard work & she has quite complex needs but she’s the light of our lives & in some ways now I’m glad we couldn’t have our own baby as we wouldn’t have DD.

I don't have kids and have zero desire to have them and my life is fulfilled fine.

Of course to some parents their children will be the most fulfilling thing in their lives but that doesn't mean a life without them can't be fulfilling

'I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join'

I hear you SO MUCH! It's so hard when you're in your 30s and it feels like the entire world is pregnant or already has a baby. I remember feeling like there was a huge party going on but my invitation had got lost!

I'm 40 now and havent had children. My life is very fulfilling and enjoyable. Please dont pay too much attention to happy moments and picture perfect stuff on social media- no ones life is perfect and we all have shitty moments to deal with! If someone puts a lot of energy into projecting a perfect image of their lives, its probably not you they're trying to convince, but themselves.

I'm so sorry to hear about your health issues, and hope that things get much better for you soon x

No it isn't. No guarantees they'll be around when you're in need either. I work in a community setting. I see people who have very invested adult children, but I also see the adult child that lives around the corner, that has very little input.

I love my DC dearly, but as a LP for the last 15 years (with little support) it's been incredibly hard.

It's a choice that luckily we have, but in no way would I say they 'complete' me.

Definitely not my 'be all or end all'. I never wanted any children and, having made it to 53 (and counting), it's a decision that I celebrate. Every. Single. Day.

Horses for courses and all that

It's a decision that I celebrate. Every. Single. Day.'

Ditto. What a lovely thing to be able to say

I'm just echoing what others here have said. I don't have and don't want any children. I'm rolling towards 40 and have never had a peep out of my biological clock. I am fulfilled and happy with my dog and DH. I never envisioned children in my future even when I was a child and everyone knew you'd 'grow up and get married and be a mummy'. I've also got Crohn's so I certainly wouldn't want to pass that on genetically.
It does not make you less of a woman.

For me, yes. They've given me such a different perspective on life, and masses of experiences that I would never have wanted to miss. I cant imagine not having them. For me, when they came along, my life changed and it's now all about them, but that's wonderful and I love it.

Didn't the Victorian s invent the.children are fulfilling thing to promote the middle class angel of the hearth stuff? I love mine, but wouldn't say they fulfil me. But then, I'm quite selfish and struggled with how dependent young children.are.

I'm chronically ill too Stavros and am childfree at 43. I've had a bilateral salpingectomy through clinical need but I'd decided not to have DC long before that.

Firstly, I'm ill. How on earth can I expect to take care of children when I sometimes need people to take care of me? Secondly, I do feel as though some people have them because 'it's what you do'. Interestingly, your OP does not mention you actually wanting them - just that your friends have them and you feel left out.

There is nothing missing from my (pre-covid) life at all - quite the opposite really. It was full of books, films, travel, friends, family, music, politics, art galleries and museums, courses, sport, work, lunches out, plants and gardening and a lot more. Oh yeah, rheumatology appointments too!

When I was doing my A levels and my degree, I worked as a care assistant to make ends meet. Sadly, most of the residents I looked after had no visitors, despite having had DC. The residents who did have visitors were visited by friends, the vicar/rabbi, ex foster children, old colleagues. People who were there because they wanted to be, not because they were obligated.

Another thing to ask yourself is not only what children would add to your life but also what kind of life your children would have.

If you’re in a situation where your illness is so severe that has you nearly housebound and you rely on your parents would it be fair to bring a child into this situation just to give you a ‘fuller’ life experience?

It was for me. I never really excelled in life. I had jobs but never a career and the jobs were never that good. I never really knew what I wanted to do. Then I met DH and we had kids and everything fell into place. My kids are my life. Really. I'm a hard disciplinarian when I need to be and the kids are an absolute dream. They behave wonderfully and we're all so close. I'm immensely proud of them every single day. My teen and I are amazingly close too.

But, others are different. It's not the same for them. My own mum for example. Fine I suppose but I'd say she probably lost interest before we even finished Primary. She'd do the bare minimum. Her devotions laid elsewhere. The pets got fed more regularly than DSis and I.

I don't know anyone childless by choice but I do know a few who's kids are not their be all and end all. Which is sad because the children do exist now

I think you're on potentially dangerous territory here. Perhaps because of your own neglected childhood you are equating decent parenting with your children having to be the 'be all and end all' to you, which I simply don't think is true. Plenty of parents have lots of other things going on in their lives which are also consumingly important to them and which don't stop them feeding their children and loving them -- in fact, I don't think it's healthy for children to feel they are the sole focus of their parents' attention, and that it's good for them to see their parents also having other passions.

the kids are an absolute dream. They behave wonderfully and we're all so close. I'm immensely proud of them every single day. My teen and I are amazingly close too.

I think you're perilously close to regarding your children being an 'absolute dream' as your great achievement. What happens if/when your relationship falters, as all relationships do at some point, or they stop 'behaving wonderfully' in your view? They do after all exist in their own right, and get to make their own mistakes and misbehave without worrying that it will lay an axe to the roots of their mother's identity.

No I never wanted them made sure I never fell pregnant I used to be ruthless with ex if I’d had antibiotics I’d say your not coming near me till after next period, sterilised finally at 37 never regretted it either.