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Original poster

Is having children the be all and end all?

228 replies

StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 11:28

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

OP posts:
Saharafordessert · 20/05/2020 12:55

I completely adore my children, I have 3, but they don’t define me as a person. They are growing up fast (late teens) and there are so many other aspects to my life as well as them. I have my own business and a VERY time consuming but rewarding hobby too.

Original poster
StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 12:57

@bluetongue That's a good question, but I'm undergoing treatment for my illness and hope to be in remission at some point which would mean fairly minimal symptoms. I wouldn't bring children into this world unless my illness was much better, as it wouldn't be fair on them.

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 20/05/2020 13:00

Some people have children biologically - as your friends are doing - and a very happy with that. Others adopt - is this an option for you if you really want to have a child?

Plenty of people are happy without children too op e.g. my friend gets a lot out of her career, marriage and being an auntie.

I hope things work out for you whatever u want out of life. Thanks

Neron · 20/05/2020 13:00

No I don't believe so, but then I don't have them and can't/won't be having them.
I believe a lot of women have children because they think they should, or it's expected of them from family of because of the their friend circle are.

I have managed to retain my friendships with my people who now have children. If they didn't think I was any value of them because I didn't have children or I had nothing in common anymore, they then wouldn't have been the sort of people I would want in my life

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/05/2020 13:03

I love DS and wouldn't want to be without him but I never felt that my life would be incomplete without children. I'm sure my life would have been just as fulfilling if I had remained childfree.

EmpressLangClegInChair · 20/05/2020 13:04

It's a decision that I celebrate. Every. Single. Day. Smile

Ditto. What a lovely thing to be able to say

I third that! (Or second it?) I get that for many people, being a parent is wonderful but at 46, I’m more certain every day that it would never have worked for me.

BabyLlamaZen · 20/05/2020 13:06

It depends how desperately you feel the need to have them. Does your heart ache constantly because you want to feel them in your arms, you're absolutely desperate?

If not, then kids are unnecessary 😂

BabyLlamaZen · 20/05/2020 13:07

Your life is on hold and you give it all up for them. There is so much in life you can do without- maybe focus on that if you can :)

Chachang · 20/05/2020 13:19

I do know a few who's kids are not their be all and end all

I always put DS first, he never goes without and I try and create as many opportunities for him as possible and keep him safe; but I am still a person and I am important too. I respect everyone's views are different, but I don't think children being the be all and end all is healthy either, that's quite a lot of responsibility on their little shoulders. A balance is good.

Healthyandhappy · 20/05/2020 13:20

Love having kids spec when I cant stand my husband. As a nurse I've seen people who never had kids all.lonely with no visitors. I've also had ppl said they dont miss having kids but miss having gran kids.

Healthyandhappy · 20/05/2020 13:22

Only thing is if u are a friend with no.kkds u have to get used to going out with a friend who has kids. Maybe rather than a boozy night u go to sundown adventure land sort of thing or u have a take out at yours with her kids this is what we do anyways lol

Luxembourgmama · 20/05/2020 13:22

For me yes. It was something I really wanted and I do feel while sometimes knackered very fulfilled.

corythatwas · 20/05/2020 13:27

Life is so rich and varied, there are so many ways of filling it, children are one thing, not the thing. And I say that as someone who had 2 and am very happy I did. But I could equally see myself as happy and fulfilled in another way in a parallel universe.

billy1966 · 20/05/2020 13:33

I certainly don't think its the B all and end all.
I love my childless friends, love having nights out where the children barely come up.

In fact with my friends that have children, we do a quick how is everyone and then move on.
Nothing worse than being on a night out and stuck with someone who has nothing to say bar boring the arse off you about their precious wonder.
Not the reason I go out to meet friends.
If someone had a problem, sure,.. but not endless drivel about how great they are.
Absolutely no interest.

I love mine, and we definitely do consider what their needs are and their best interests but that doesn't mean that we don't have other interests and that our down time with each other isn't a priority.

I was never afraid to tell the children that I was having some mummy time when having a coffee.
Teaching children consideration of others starts by understanding their parents need 10 minutes peace.

I think someone is well able to have a deeply happy and fulfilling life without children.

Hang in there with your friends OP, they will appreciate non parenting chat too.

Wishing you well.Flowers

Sansastark45 · 20/05/2020 13:35

The majority of my friends have kids and as lovely as it is spending a few hours with them i go home with my husband and its bliss - i dont envy any of my friends lives at all - and thats fine - everyone has a choice. I have had all of my friends who are mothers in tears over the years about something child related, bullying at school, other mums in the school playground, the guilt they all feel is huge as they feel they arent good enough. You will always be doing something wrong in another parents eyes. We have decided we dont want kids - and i dont regret that at all.

ladybee28 · 20/05/2020 13:40

Didn't the Victorian s invent the.children are fulfilling thing to promote the middle class angel of the hearth stuff? @Asuitablecat

Yep.

Also prior to the industrial revolution people needed to have lots of kids in order to have them working and contributing to the household.

Once production became mechanised, there was no longer any economic sense in having kids and as a result infanticide was on the increase, so the church needed to find a good 'reason' to encourage people to keep reproducing.

Hence the 'children are precious and special and the reason for living' hooha.

1forAll74 · 20/05/2020 14:01

Your life is how it is, and can't be based on other people,and what they are like, and what they do,and what they have etc. Social media can be a pain, especially hearing about women who constantly post photo's of their children, and lifestyles etc.. Having children is great, not having children may be upsetting for lots of women, but for some, they don't wish to have any children.

tinselvestsparklepants · 20/05/2020 14:04

No kids here either. My three thoughts: 1. I have a VERY good relationship with my husband and if we had kids I could definitely see that becoming strained as neither of us can function when tired, and we both have demanding jobs 2. When I was struggling with infertility (ie before I'd realised maybe for us it was for the best) someone said "it's just another relationship." Posts above about older people visited by friends etc - I try to put energy into other relationships - I'd hate to rely on children to be my 'be all and end all.' Not fair on them .3. I work with other people's young adults and as much as I love them it's very nice to not be entirely responsible for any of them!

VodselForDinner · 20/05/2020 14:13

I utterly love not having children, and it was 100% the correct choice for us. We’ve never regretted not having them, and I’m now more grateful than ever that we’re dealing with lockdown without the additional stress of WFH with children.

I am very skeptical of somebody who says they only felt “complete” when they became a parent. To me, that indicates someone who felt something was missing for a huge portion of their life, and I think that’s a pretty sad realisation rather than something to be lauded.

poppet31 · 20/05/2020 14:15

For a long time I thought it was. Spent years trying to conceive and was truly miserable. Thought a child would be the missing piece. We have adopted our little boy now and although I love him dearly, it is the hardest thing I have ever done and if I could go back in time, I'm not sure I would do it again. I miss my old child free life so much and wish I had appreciated it more at the time.

Sn0tnose · 20/05/2020 14:16

As a nurse I've seen people who never had kids all lonely with no visitors. What an utterly inane comment. Really unhelpful to both the OP and to anyone who is childless (i.e, not by choice) who may be vulnerable to this sort of old bollocks.

slashlover · 20/05/2020 14:17

Only thing is if u are a friend with no.kkds u have to get used to going out with a friend who has kids. Maybe rather than a boozy night u go to sundown adventure land sort of thing or u have a take out at yours with her kids this is what we do anyways lol

I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't have kids (ranging from a 3 year old to a 20 year old). Yes, we do the going to the park bit but we still do the boozy nights out bit too. The kids stay in with their dad/grandparents/Aunt/babysitter sitter/etc., my friends have always thought it important to spend time without the children.

BarbedBloom · 20/05/2020 14:17

We tried for kids for a while but it just didn't happen. I also have a chronic condition. I am okay with it now finally. I have plenty of time for hobbies, friends and travel. If I have a bad day I can spend it in bed and it doesn't affect anyone.

I find fulfilment in other ways. I dote on my niece and nephews but am always glad to hand them back and have a quiet tidy house again. I also write, paint and so on. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to care for me in old age, so that part doesn't bother me either.

BarbedBloom · 20/05/2020 14:19

I would also add I have seen elderly people with children who are lonely. Not all kids have a good relationship with their parents. There is no guarantee your kids will visit you

VodselForDinner · 20/05/2020 14:22

Just on the caring for elderly parents bit, it’s the most selfish reason of many selfish reasons that people can have when deciding to have children.

I’ve also spent enough time in nursing homes to know that, because someone has six children, doesn’t mean they’re ever going to have visitors.