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Original poster

Is having children the be all and end all?

228 replies

StavrosFlatley · 20/05/2020 11:28

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

OP posts:
AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 18:47

I'm only saying what I think when I see threads like these. Not telling you not to post. I'm allowed to say what I think just as you are, and what I think is it's unpleasant when I see it on threads like this, and I'm not the only one to have thought it.

Apologies if you don't like it Smile

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 20/05/2020 18:53

I mean we are basically here to procreate.

Are we? There's not much point in procreating if doing so would lead to a miserable life. My life with children would have been ..... well, totally shit if truth be told.

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 18:54

Oh and it wasn't me who said it was 'tone deaf' but if the shoe fits Wink

Carouselfish · 20/05/2020 18:54

For me, I was a bit feather in the wind and couldn't settle, was never happy. Now I have children I'm sort of calm. I don't have a DP who is my be all and end all though so I wish that was different, but yes, children did stop the restlessness.

foreversville · 20/05/2020 19:06

@gettinguntrapped I agree. It's the least exciting job I've ever had, very little reward.

You're never ever ever allowed to admit you regret having kids or that's it's an endless slog. Because there's no going back- you're stuck now.

If you mess up your child is going to be psychologically damaged and it's your fault. To top it all off the financial drain is immense.

Everyone makes it seem like the be all and end all and '#family time' is because it's exactly the opposite and no-one wants to admit it!

As some one that has children, you have every right to remain childfree, if it doesn't suit.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2020 19:11

I find insensitive ‘me me me’ posts extremely tedious

EmeraldShamrock · 20/05/2020 19:16

I'd have been happy either way. I've two it is difficult but rewarding my eyebrows are overgrown my nails are chipped by the time I'm done looking after them I've little energy for me.
If I'd a fulltime Nanny it would be amazing.

ViciousJackdaw · 20/05/2020 19:23

I mean we are basically here to procreate

If our purpose is to procreate, how come some people are attracted to members of the same sex - people who they cannot procreate with (in the traditional manner)?

BumpBundle · 20/05/2020 19:27

This is a bit beside the point but there are a lot of women on here saying they don't have children and don't want children - why are you on a website that's a forum for parents? To be clear, I'm not saying you should leave or make you feel unwelcome (you are welcome) and I understand that a lot on here isn't strictly parenting related - I'm just genuinely curious how/why you ended up here because it never would've crossed my mind to go onto parenting websites before I had children or was at least trying to conceive.

zoemum2006 · 20/05/2020 19:27

I am 45 and most of my friends from uni don't have kids. They're happy and busy with their lives.

I had kids and I love it but I felt a strong urge to do so.

If you don't have the urge I wouldn't bother - it's a lot of hard work.

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 19:30

@BumpBundle this has been asked hundreds of times. Just search it if you genuinely want to know the multiple reasons why.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 20/05/2020 19:30

I never particularly wanted children and am not very maternally minded - never cooed over babies or wanted to hold the newborn visiting the office etc, but DH was keen and so we had DD when I was in my late 30's.

I utterly adore her, but one was definitely enough. There was enough that was interesting at each stage to make it a fun project, but not enough to make it something I'd want to do more than once.

I definitely wouldn't want not to have a child now that I have one, but I was extremely happy child-free before and if I'd never had her, I wouldn't know the feelings that a child can bring.

Lots of our friends are happily child-free by choice, and it does change those relationships for a while (although DD wasn't very interested in naps or routines, or sleep of any kind so that made some things a lot easier as I just ignored routines), and parents do tend to end up obsessed at certain stages with things like school allocations which must be of zero interest to those not in the same boat.

BumpBundle · 20/05/2020 19:38

@AreYouAchinForSomeBacon Wow - thank you for your incredibly rude response. I'm glad I took the extra time to clarify that I'm not being rude and that non-parents are absolutely welcome for you to take time out of your day to be intentionally rude - how mature!

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 19:49

In what way was that response incredibly rude? Confused I'm just saying it's been done to death so maybe best looking at some of the older threads if you want to know.

GettingUntrapped · 20/05/2020 19:56

My children are eight and 13-year-old boys.
I got all the goo-ey bit with the first one. To me, at the time, he was the most special baby ever born..I had an extreme high when he was born and I felt like he was the best thing that ever happened to me, (etc).
Fast forward 13 years, I have two boys.
I feel like a slave in a life I don't want.
Yes, I love them, but I also need me. Problem is, there isn't really time for a me.
I never expected this. Probably shame on me.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2020 20:08

BumpBundle

Bingo, I was just waiting for that post. Well done 👏

VodselForDinner · 20/05/2020 20:19

I'm not saying you should leave or make you feel unwelcome (you are welcome)

ODFOD
Who appointed you the MN welcome wagon?

Lynda07 · 20/05/2020 20:34

Stavros, I am so sorry about your illness. I do hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel, it can't be much fun moving back with parents in your thirties.

Having children is lovely, a blessing for most people but you must know people who don't have any and are not likely to. People have different paths in life and some childless and single people live very fulfilled and useful lives.

As you rightly say, now is not the time to be thinking about finding a partner anyway, I wish more people were as sensible as you. However you do have to work out what you are going to be able to do in the future, you need a purpose, a career, but first and foremost is your health. I think that must be your priority. Without knowing much more, I can't suggest anything but I do wish you all the best with whatever you do.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2020 20:39

some childless and single people live very fulfilled and useful lives.

Confused and the rest? A waste of space?

lynsey91 · 20/05/2020 20:45

No one should have children so they have some to look after them when they are old or visit them in the care home. That is just utterly selfish.

It may not work out that way anyway. Children can move abroad or a couple of hundred miles away, they can fall out with you or even, sadly, die before you.

My next door neighbour in my previous house was 93 and had had 4 children. They were all dead. She did have 2 grandchildren but they lived quite a distance from her and she never saw them

ValancyRedfern · 20/05/2020 20:45

An awful lot of mums regret having children, but it's taboo to say so. I regretted having dd for first couple of years. I don't now, but I could never have another and go through pregnancy and the baby stage again. I was suicidal for most of it. The difficult thing is you'll never know if you 'll take to motherhood until you have a child, and then there's no going back!

Sipperskipper · 20/05/2020 20:48

I have one DD, due another soon. I love her, and being a mum, but also loved my life before children, and would have felt happy and fulfilled whatever I think. Our best friends are a childfree couple and we are as close as always.

SerenDippitty · 20/05/2020 20:49

People have different paths in life and some childless and single people live very fulfilled and useful lives.

Only some? Hmm

AreYouAchinForSomeBacon · 20/05/2020 20:53

Careful @serenDippitty @Costacoffeeplease you'll be accused of being the thread police.

minipie · 20/05/2020 20:58

Absolutely not the be all and end all. I have two and whilst I love them very much, my life would have been easier and more fun in most ways without them.

I would’ve missed out on the experiences of parenthood, but there are so many things I’ve missed out on due to having them that it balances out.

I would advise any friend to have a baby only if they felt desperate for one.

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