Is having children the be all and end all?

[StavrosFlatley]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been battling a chronic illness for the past 4 years which has made me almost completely housebound. I had to move in with my parents when my illness became serious and I'm single and unlikely to be well enough to look for a partner any time soon (not that it's much of an option right now anyway with Covid!).

I'm mid 30s and almost everyone my age is having babies. It's all I see on social media the whole time how fulfilled they are and how wonderful life is now they're 'complete'. Most of my friends just send me photos of their babies the whole time (although I'm happy they still want to keep in touch at all, given that I'm no longer the person I was).

Is having children really the be all and end all? Or are things just exaggerated on social media? Should I just give up if I'm unlikely to be able to have children? I'm happy for my friends but I just feel so left out and like it's an exclusive club I'll never get to join. I also worry that eventually they'll only want to keep in touch with other friends who have kids.

To add most people once they have them couldn't imagine life without them as it would mean they died.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been married coming up 10 years. We always thought we would have children but as time has gone on there were other things we wanted to do and we have settled into a happy child free life. We just can’t see how a child would fit into that. We both love kids but can’t imagine having one ourselves, especially seeing how hard lockdown as been for our friends with kids compared to for us.

It has changed our relationships with some friends but not with others. But I think it’s a part of growing older that relationships change regardless of the involvement of small people.

I do feel sorry for the “my children are my world, couldn’t imagine life without them” brigade. If they are relying solely on their children for their happiness and contentment

Whilst I understand the sentiment behind this statement, I find it somewhat patronising and a bit hypocritical.
Imagine if I said "I do feel sorry for those who dont want kids brigade, their lives will always be missing that unconditional love"
People would say that was rude, offensive etc
Why is this any different? Theres no need to feel "pity" or be sorry for people who are perfectly happy with their life decisions. Just because they chose differently to you or think differently to you doesnt mean they are to be pitied. I find that a very odd thought.

Firstly, I’m a person and enough in my own right; I don’t need a partner or children to complete me. No other person is my be-all-and-end-all, and I actually think that’s a huge amount of pressure to put someone under.

I’ve never felt that biological urge to have children, and while I won’t say “never”, I’m in my early thirties now and don’t feel any differently to how I did ten years ago. I have a life that is fulfilling to me.

Firstly, I’m a person and enough in my own right; I don’t need a partner or children to complete me That is an odd way to think about a family unit. No one needs anyone to complete them but if they want to live with someone have DC it doesn't make them incomplete to begin with.
I don't have a partner to complete me I have one to compliment me.

That’s okay, I don’t mind if you think I’m odd :). I do have a partner and love him dearly, but he’s not the be-all-and-end-all of my life, and I don’t expect I’d see children that way either. My life is fulfilling and worthwhile without children, as it was fulfilling and worthwhile before I met my partner.

I appreciate that the decision to have children or not is a deeply emotional one for many people, and that being unable to have them for any reason (whether illness, infertility or life-circumstances) can be heartbreaking. But that isn’t everyone’s experience, it hasn’t been mine, and if it helps at all for the op to hear that I have a fulfilling life without children then I’m happy to share that.

Whether anything can help her come to terms with her feelings I don’t know, but my intention is to offer support and my (different) perspective

I do feel sorry for the “my children are my world, couldn’t imagine life without them” brigade. If they are relying solely on their children for their happiness and contentment

Whilst I understand the sentiment behind this statement, I find it somewhat patronising and a bit hypocritical.Imagine if I said "I do feel sorry for those who dont want kids brigade, their lives will always be missing that unconditional love" People would say that was rude, offensive etc Why is this any different?

Surely you can see that this is an entirely different sentiment? A parent whose sole happiness and sense of meaning in life is their child or children risks putting a huge amount of pressure on those children. There was a poster up the thread who said she'd failed at everything in life except for having her children, who were exceptionally 'well-behaved', a joy, and very close to her. What happens to both that poster and her children when they inevitably draw away, make life choices the OP thinks are poor, and are no longer the 'well-behaved' young kids that she can pride herself on?

No one should put on another person the pressure of being the sole focus of meaning in their life, whether this person is their child, spouse, lover, guru, whatever!

I have a daughter but she will soon be 17.Shes looking out to the world behind home and me.
You can have children but they're not there to fulfill your life.So when she leaves home I'll dry my eyes and do some of the things I've been unable to do for years and reinvent myself.
I'll always be available and will certainly not burden her with my needs as I see a lot of my friends do.

I do have a partner and love him dearly, but he’s not the be-all-and-end-all of my life, and I don’t expect I’d see children that way either. My life is fulfilling and worthwhile without children, as it was fulfilling and worthwhile before I met my partner.

I think what you say is perfectly understandable, @Feawen, and it reflects my own experience -- I have a husband I love, and I have a son I love, but my life was meaningful before either of them were in it.

And the decision to try to have a child at 39, after an entire life not planning to have any, was not a particularly fraught one. I knew it was perfectly possible I wouldn't conceive, and I was at ease with that, as well as the possibility that I would. I was sure I could be an adequate parent and would put my efforts and energy into giving my child, if I had one, a good life. DS is a delight, and he knows he's loved, but I certainly don't think it's wise or healthy for him to be the 'be all and end all' of my existence. For him or for me.

Thank you Limpetlike, I’m glad my post struck a chord with you. You sound like a lovely family :)

Imagine if I said "I do feel sorry for those who dont want kids brigade, their lives will always be missing that unconditional love" People would say that was rude, offensive etc Why is this any different?

It's entirely different though. I do feel sorry for people who place all of their happiness and contentment on their children. That's not to say I feel sorry for people who have children generally, but it's not healthy to rely on children for your sole happiness/fulfillment in life imo. And I'm speaking as someone who has them.

It runs the risk of struggling when they leave and putting unacceptable pressure on your children when they come to realise it as they grow up. I've been there, it's horribly pressurising knowing you are the only thing your parent 'has' and their entire happiness relies on you.

It's not the same as saying to a childfree person that they are missing out on unconditional love.

We shouldn't be encouraging people to rely solely on their children for their happiness imo.

I have had some of this attitude lately. I lost my job at the start of lockdown and people have responded by saying "Well, at least you can spend lots of time with (18 month) DS!"

I was working 2.5 days a week in a job I loved but hey, bonus of 2.5 more days a week doing sole childcare for a toddler and no income!

For me it is. I feel very fortunate.

That’s okay, I don’t mind if you think I’m odd I don't think you are odd at all. I said your thoughts on a family set up were odd .

Whilst I understand the sentiment behind this statement, I find it somewhat patronising and a bit hypocritical.
Imagine if I said "I do feel sorry for those who dont want kids brigade, their lives will always be missing that unconditional love"
People would say that was rude, offensive etc
Why is this any different? Theres no need to feel "pity" or be sorry for people who are perfectly happy with their life decisions. Just because they chose differently to you or think differently to you doesnt mean they are to be pitied. I find that a very odd thought.

I don’t think it’s odd, hypocritical or patronising to feel sorry for people who say their lives were empty, meaningless or unfulfilling before they had kids and who place their happiness and contentment on the shoulders of those children. I’d hate to go through life or part of my life feeling unhappy or empty and believing that only others could fix that.

I don’t think it’s odd, hypocritical or patronising to feel sorry for people who say their lives were empty, meaningless or unfulfilling before they had kids and who place their happiness and contentment on the shoulders of those children I agree with that but I've never heard anyone in RL describe their life as empty or meaningless before DC. I'd definitely laugh if I heard that unless they'd a traumatic life pre DC.

@EmeraldShamrock there's been posters on this very thread who've said that. Their lives would be 'pointless' without DC etc... Yes I find that sad and I don't think it's a mindset that should be encouraged.

I'd hate for my children to think their lives were pointless unless they reproduced!

Gosh no, they are absolutely not the be all and end all! I like mine (!) but they don't, can't, and shouldn't be expected to, make life 'worthwhile' or anything like that. That would be a terrible burden.
And I wouldn't believe half of what you read posted by SM-obsessed mums. There are plenty of ups and downs in anyone's life, children or not, and it is absolutely not a bed of roses.

I’ve wanted children for a long time. I thought I was on that path with my ex, but we had a horrific breakup in my late 20s that took a long time to get over. Then a big chunk of my 30s we’re taken up with caring for and then grieving my mum which also meant I wasn’t really in the right place to be looking for a partner/ to start a family, and then when I finally did find a keeper we had fertility issues. At 40 I’m now finally pregnant and delighted to be so.

That’s not to say life was meaningless before or there was a huge gaping hole or anything like that - in fact despite some sadnesses and heartaches my life was rather wonderful in lots of ways. Even without a partner I had loads of love in my life with family, great friends, my dog, nieces and nephews, a job I love and can pour my heart into, further study and education, books - so many books! I had amazing holidays, honestly in lockdown my mind has most frequently been pulled to just those times in the sun with best friends, reading our books, having long retsina fuelled lunches or talking absolute nonsense on the beach until it went dark, and I want to cry because they won’t come again or not for a very long time at least.

For me the wanting children thing was very much heart (and biology in general) over head. I actually quite loved my single life, and I then loved the life DH and I have with no children, even when it hurt like mad that we were failing ttc I could still see all we did have that was brilliant, and what a lovely life we could go on to have if we never had children - with extra sleep and cash and space - but the ‘need’ or compulsion or whatever wasn’t rational and kind of overtook the logical side of me.

My wee boy is the centre of my Universe. I would love another one but DH doesn't want one, I'm so sad. I work full time, life is fairly hectic but we're in a good financial position..

I'm hoping when these feelings pass I'll be back to my normal, chirpy and child free holiday loving self

I can totally see the benefit of not having children, and whilst my 5yo is central to everything - you don't miss what you don't have. I loved life before him, and when he's off to Uni I will enjoy being young and fit enough to have the best life. I'll be 42

My DC are definitely up there in the most important things in my life , they don't dominate it entirely but they are such a part of it that I cannot imagine a life without them, if I try to it feels wrong.

That said, everyone should be able to answer this question and not be 'shamed' into giving one banal opinion.

The day that starts happening to MN is the day I'm off.

That said, everyone should be able to answer this question and not be 'shamed' into giving one banal opinion

I don't think that was the point. It's about just being sensitive to a posters situation and not wanting to make them feel even worse surely?

Or do most people just not give a shit?

If it is that sensitive then AIBU really isn't the place.

And the wording (of the title) invites debate.

Its disingenuous to suggest otherwise especially on what is essentially a parenting forum.

I'm not getting into the debate, I'm already well aware people use AIBU to excuse not having to consider how what they say may affect someone else.

Getting back to the OP they are certainly not the be all and end all. I think it is amazing more and more young women are making a decision in what they want in life and not following generations.
Personally I'd love to be a rich aunt or godmother get the best of both worlds.