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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:11

@peperethecat - I can’t imagine cutting off my dds gps because he didn’t pay maintenance and not facilitating contact. It would be cruel to them. Hurting them to get back at an ex for not paying maintenance. That would be awful.

It’s totally unnecessary for the gps to be forced to go to court. It’s in the best interest of the child for access to take place (facilitated by the rp) and no reason why it should not continue to take place.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 17:12

It is not in the best interest of a child to be around damaging people.

Taddda · 20/05/2020 17:14

Nobody actually knows what 'rebuilding his life ' means either? Another partner, more children, setting up for custody...? Its been 12 months, is he planning a 'big reveal' soon?? Its speculative because he's done a disappearing act...lying to a 5 year old about the whereabouts of their dad isnt just a 'one off' either, the question will be asked by her on many occasions, in different ways...she will eventually twig they do know, their just not telling her....damaging...

This is what would make me go NC, nothing to do with the money.

midwestsummer · 20/05/2020 17:15

These grandparents are actively colluding with the father to prevent their grandchild being given the most basic support.

With family like that who needs enemies?

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:20

@Fedhimtotigers - sorry but I do. A court would certainly order access to a gp with an existing relationship who was being prevented from seeing a child on the facts we have before us.

@WhatCFeryIsThis - eh? A phone number “so she can hear daddy’s voice”? Would you really do that to a young child whose father doesn’t want to see them? I hope you’re not a parent.

It must be hurtful and difficult for the child not to see her dad and it needs to be handled carefully. You can’t force him to see his dd and do much care needs to be taken to minimise hurt to the child.

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 17:20

No @CayrolBaaaskin, what is awful is abandoning your child. Why should any of this be on the OP?

If she says to the grandparents, "sorry but it's not my responsibility to facilitate contact between you and your granddaughter, you'll have to tell your son to get in touch so he can arrange it himself", then the responsibility for maintaining this relationship will be back where it should be - with the child's father.

Or alternatively the grandparents could say, "OP, our son doesn't want to be involved and won't facilitate contact, but here is his address and phone number. Please can she come round and see us this weekend because we miss her?"

Really not difficult.

I don't see why OP should be lumped with the responsibility of facilitating contact with grandparents who want to do the fun stuff like cuddles and cake and spend £20 here and there on a Christmas or birthday present, but are happy for their granddaughter to be financially neglected in the most basic way by covering for their son who isn't willing to contribute anything to the cost of her upbringing. If they were doing something in return such as providing free childcare on days when the OP has to work, or paying for food and school uniform out of their own pockets then it would be a different matter.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 17:21

I have seen cases like this. Go on Gransnet. Many had a better relationship than what the OPs has described.
One GNetter lived with her GC and was awarded nothing. Stop talking BS you can not speak in absolutes when discussing the courts.

I'd have told them to fuck off long ago.

Mittens030869 · 20/05/2020 17:22

I don't think you should cut your DD's contact with her DGPs. She clearly has a bond with them, so it would be her you would be punishing as much as them.

I do get why their lies to her about her daddy are upsetting, but I tend to agree with PPs saying that they've been placed in an impossible position by their DS, and it shouldn't be held against them. And I also think that he might well be in prison, or, if not, might be having substance issues.

It's a very difficult situation for you, though.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:22

@Fedhimtotigers - there’s no facts here that would mean a court would see the gps as damaging. A relationship would be in the best interest of the child

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 17:23

No it wouldn't. Again stop chatting BS.
They are damaging. Op has already got the pandemic to run down contact. Now she just has to not allow any further contact. That's now the precedent.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:25

Are the grandparents adding to your child’s life? If she enjoys seeing them then I guess that they are. In that case, you should allow her to see them. This should be about your daughter’s needs and not about your disagreement with the grandparents . She has already been rejected by her father. Don’t leave another void in her life by depriving her of her grandparents

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:26

@CayrolBaaaskin 😂😂
Yes I am a parent. If my son abandoned his child to this extent, I would not in any way shape or form support him in doing so.

I would support the child, if not financially then emotionally.

If you believe that she shouldn't have to hear his voice so as not to compound the fact that she's not wanted, does that not in any way highlight to you how bad this situation is??

An EXCELLENT way of mitigating the hurt caused to the child is not having his ignorant family constantly reminding her that he exists but 'can't talk to her right now'. You have such poor empathetic skills the mind boggles.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:27

@peperethecat - there’s no reason op should not continue to facilitate access for her child to her child’s extended family including the grandparents. It’s not a competition with her ex to see who can be the worst parent. As I said there are similarities to my own family and am glad my mother facilitated contact with my paternal grandparents even tho my df had no contact with me. I would really have missed out otherwise.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:27

And contact with grandparents will also add to your daughter’s sense of identity as she matures . They are her only link to her paternal heritage.

fuckinghellthisshit · 20/05/2020 17:27

Do all the posters who comment do all the arranging for their DC to see paternal grandparents?
This is an area of 'wifework' I have no time for. DH arranges him families visits, and cooks or arranges a meal out when they come, I do the arranging for my family.
The idea of arranging for DC to see my ex's family is absurd to me, why anyone would do it for these grandparents who clearly want the photos and tea parties but not to face the fact that their son is negligent and committing an offence by hiding and not paying for his child.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:28

there's no facts here that would mean a court would see the gps as damaging

...

They are wilfully helping somebody to evade the law. Surely that won't be a tick in the plus column.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 17:29

To be honest I wouldn't even cut them off.
When they text asking to see her just reply with
"Hey MIl, hope you're both well, how are you? What's Ex's address?"

If they reply saying no. Say OK thank you let me know when you get it.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/05/2020 17:31

They seem to be feeling so powerful in this situation
Say that's what it comes down to for many posters, the ultimate need to be in power of their children. Who cares that they can be removed from people they love and are an important part of their lives, it is all about using the child to yield power. How horribly sad that mums can be using their kids in that way.

It is not in the best interest of a child to be around damaging people
Damaging by being present physically and emotionally for the child? Maintenance is a bonus, not a given. For all we know, he earns nothing and wouldn't have to pay anything, but let's punish the child for peanuts.

Funny too how when it comes to adult step children duscussion, the concensus is that fathers shouldn't accountable for them because they are adults, but here, the parents are expected to be responsible or lose access to their grand children.

This thread is really showing mners fir what they are, power angry and using any means to justify it. Thank God the courts would see it very differently and if you do stop contact, I hope they take you to court and show you for what you are. Punishing a child and grand parents for the failings of someone else.

Spillinteas · 20/05/2020 17:31

Fedhimtothetigers
Good luck to them in court. It costs thousand and most cases are awarded to the parents

No it doesn’t. And I’ve personal experience of so your talking shite. But tbh it shows what type of person you are. Spiteful.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:33

@WhatCFeryIsThis - depriving a child of contact to their gps because you are angry with their other parent is an awful thing to do. So is trying to force some sort of contact (which is what you seem to be suggesting re the phone number). I think you’re projecting a bit with the “poor empathetic skill”.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:34

They are wilfully helping somebody to evade the law. Surely that won't be a tick in the plus column.

That would not outweigh the arguments for contact. The court should be child focused and would consider the loss of an already established relationship with grandparents which the child enjoys.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:35

@WhatCFeryIsThis - no, whether or not their son pays maintenance would not be relevant to the court.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:37

@CayrolBaaaskin well good thing that's not what the OP was asking then, isn't it?

She's tired of watching her daughter's grandparents lie to her face. She is asking if other people would be likely to cut this negative behaviour out of their child's life. Most seem like they would. Not you. That's your prerogative.

The only reason they are so keen to make sure the father does not have to speak to them is because he is afraid that by resurfacing, he will have to pay child maintenance.

He is putting his financial wellbeing above his desire to speak to his own child. And by extension, so are the grandparents. That is pathetic.

Summersunandoranges · 20/05/2020 17:37

So sad that so many posters would throw a five year old under the bus.

I doubt the OP will stop the visits, she’s very much aware of how her dd loves her grandparents and how they are invested in her. It’s easy to say you’d cut off so so when it’s not your own child.

Very sad there are so many bitter women

Mrskeats · 20/05/2020 17:37

I would stop contact immediately
They are probably telling your child all sorts of lies