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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:37

@fuckinghellthisshit - I do. I arrange for dds to see her gps and uncles, cousins on her dads side. They live in another continent so it’s expensive for me too. But it’s in their best interests.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:42

Also @fuckinghellthisshit I don’t consider it “wifework”. Rather parenting.

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 17:43

there’s no reason op should not continue to facilitate access for her child to her child’s extended family including the grandparents

Apart from the fact that they are choosing to financially disadvantage their own grandchild by refusing to tell the OP where their son is so that he can be made to pay what he owes, and lying to their granddaughter about their role in all this?

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:43

Completely agree with Summer. This child will not be a child forever and when she learns that her mother deliberately severed the link between her and her family , she may well resent her mother for doing so.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:44

*paternal family

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 17:45

there’s no facts here that would mean a court would see the gps as damaging

I'm pretty sure a court would take a fairly dim view of their facilitating their son's non payment of child maintenance by refusing to disclose his whereabouts.

Mrskeats · 20/05/2020 17:47

It's not about money
It's about lying and facilitating their son abandoning their child

Spillinteas · 20/05/2020 17:49

I'm pretty sure a court would take a fairly dim view of their facilitating their son's non payment of child maintenance by refusing to disclose his whereabouts

You’d be surprised. I’ve just witnessed a grandmother getting access even after she assaulted the mother - in front of the kids. No one thought that access would be granted but it did.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 17:50

Peper. I assume that you have little experience of the family court. Having worked in the field for over a decade, I can assure you that they will give that point very little weight within the context of this case, based on the information provided in thus post.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:50

@Myohmy111 or perhaps the mum won't sever contact, and the child will grow up to resent her grandparents being complicit it the abandonment of her father. If that tremendous guilt is meant to affect OPs decision, should it not also affect the grandparents' decisions?

gingerbiscuits · 20/05/2020 17:53

Oh, hell no!! They would have been culled long ago. What awful people - happy to see their grandchild completely abandoned & not provided for?? No way.

fuckinghellthisshit · 20/05/2020 17:53

I want DC to learn that when people treat you badly and behave appallingly they should distance themselves and put themselves first. I consider it an essential part of parenting.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/05/2020 17:53

And by extension, so are the grandparent
What extension? If your parents claimed benefits they were not entitled to, does that make you guilty by extension if you are not calling the authority to report them?

We have no idea what their reasoning is, maybe just maybe there is an understandable reason why they are not sharing his address. As said, if he has a legitimate business, he shouldn't be hard to find anyway.

JellyBellies · 20/05/2020 17:54

I would let them have contact but I would put a stop to the lies.

So I would tell DD that her grandparents know where her dad is but they don't want to say. And I would say this in front of them.

If you are going to allow contact for her benefit, you need to ensure she isn't damaged by it.
No lies. Full stop.

JellyBellies · 20/05/2020 17:55

And one day, when she is old enough, she will question them. They will have to live with that.

Why should you cover for them? That makes you complicit in the lie.

Alsohuman · 20/05/2020 17:57

Or simply stop lying and tell Op where he is so she can effectively pursue maintenance through CMS

Not read the update? CMS has identified his bank account and refused to act on their findings.

Taddda · 20/05/2020 17:57

Imagine the questions a 5 year old would ask her GP, 'Where's Daddy?', 'Do you see Daddy?', 'Do you speak to Daddy? 'Does Daddy know it's my birthday?'....they would have to lie every time, constantly....how could they (or anyone) think this is okay in building a healthy paternal relationship?

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:59

@dontdisturbmenow 🤦‍♀️ literally by the fact they are supporting him in putting his financial needs above his parental ones. They can choose not to support him in that, you know?

If he has a legitimate business, that's great! I bet they won't tell OP the name of his business either though. Too revealing for the poor man. He needs time to hide under his rock before he can emerge into the world a successful butterfly and hold his arms out for his daughter to run to him, unscathed by any of this at all.

midwestsummer · 20/05/2020 18:00

I don't have any of the issues described in the OP and am not bitter about anything.
I don't think it is my job to organize contact with my in-laws, who I'm very fond of, that is DH's job.
I don't think it is my job to teach DC that any kind of 'love' is better than none.
I think OP is behaving very well in very difficult circumstances but I would personally be more assertive about setting boundaries because I wouldn't want my dc lied to, or to spend time with people who behaved liked this.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/05/2020 18:03

So let's assume dad is in jail for murder and OP finds this to be the case. One day her daughter asks again where daddy is. Would it be a crime for her to say she doesn't know? Should she be taken away by social services if she did because that lie is bound to have a significant impact on her daughter's life?

And it would be nice to know how OP is absolutely certain that they know the exact address he is at.

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 18:04

What, that may be the case. Or possibly not. But what we do know is that the child feels loved by her paternal grandparents which in itself will add to her emotional wellbeing should not be under estimated throughout her childhood . So no, not a compelling enough reason to end the relationship. And plus, there may be a chance of the father contributing in future

Myohmy111 · 20/05/2020 18:05

Sorry that came out jumbled but you get my point.

Spillinteas · 20/05/2020 18:07

What, that may be the case. Or possibly not. But what we do know is that the child feels loved by her paternal grandparents which in itself will add to her emotional wellbeing should not be under estimated throughout her childhood . So no, not a compelling enough reason to end the relationship. And plus, there may be a chance of the father contributing in future

This ^^^

So many adults using their own feelings instead of thinking about what the five year old would want

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 18:08

So a 5 year old wants to see daddy who is on drugs. But he loves her and she loves him and desperately wants to see him. That's fine yea?

nanbread · 20/05/2020 18:09

Haven't RTFT but think if you don't have your own family support and they help you out with childcare / parental type roles that is worth quite a lot potentially, to both you and your DD