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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Dumbie · 20/05/2020 16:30

@Fedhimtotigers no its not how it works. I know many mothers who enable access to the paternal families without the fathers involvement.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 16:33

They either hand over his details or keep preventing their grandchild of money.
They are helping hurt the OP.
Nobody owes them anything.

You might know the Queen of Sheba and what? Every family is different.

The Op is well within her rights to tell them they are not her problem and to speak to their son who they are protecting.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 16:34

@Fedhimtotigers why do they need to have access via their son? Would you really punish your child like that because her gp chose to “side” with their own son?

It’s in a child’s best interest to see their gp when they love them and are close to them as in this case. Op should not hurt her child in an attempt to be as bad a parent as her ex.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 16:36

I would protect my child from harmful people yes.
Love is not enough. They have created this wanker and they continue to enable him. Says enough about the type of person they are and I would not want that unchecked around my child.

OP couldn't stop her Ex seeking contact and she can't stop him allowing his parents access. That would be the only way these people would get to my child.

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 16:37

why do they need to have access via their son?

Because their son is the one with the right to access?

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 16:37

Why is the onus on the OP 'not to punish' GPs and DD? Aren't the GPs punishing DD already by refusing to tell her or her mother where her father is or how to contact him?

How about explaining to DD that GPs know where daddy is but they are not going to tell her, because he's working on making himself a better life?

If the idea of doing that sounds cruel, that's because it is. It's cruel that they're doing that to her in the first place!!

gluteustothemaximus · 20/05/2020 16:42

Cunts the lot of them. Your poor DD x

GreenWillowTree · 20/05/2020 16:42

The problem here is the lying. I think their attitude is not right. He needs to rebuild his life/business without the CSA on his back. That to me suggests that they don’t have the right attitude to the granddaughter.

At the moment she is not old enough to understand but when she is it will be a huge betrayal. I think you sound very measured and more focused on your daughters well being than some posters are giving you credit for.

Whatever decision you make could cause her hurt but it will be them who are responsible because they created the situation.

You sound like a good mum who is putting her child first.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 16:43

@peperethecat - that’s not true. The grandparents can apply for access independently under the children’s act. They don’t need to get access through their son legally or morally.

@Fedhimtotigers - they are clearly not damaging to their gc. They have a close loving and appropriate relationship. Comparing them to Rose West as you did in a pp is just weird. They have done nothing harmful to their gc at all other than refuse to pass on certain info re their son. They would undoubtedly be awarded visitation by a court

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 16:44

The grandparents can apply for access independently under the children’s act.

Then let them do that. It will certainly be more arduous than simply refusing to cover for their son.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 16:47

The are assisting their son in depriving his daughter they could help. They don't want to.
They've chosen a side. They need to own it.

Good luck to them in court. It costs thousand and most cases are awarded to the parents.

I didn't compare them to rose west. I showed that love isn't enough. They can say they love her. But they don't really do they? They're just wankers who should enjoy their son and what they've created.

midwestsummer · 20/05/2020 16:49

Tell them that they can still see her but need to arrange contact through him. That you’re not going to facilitate it anymore but her dad is welcome to. Then it’s up to them what they want to do.

I think this is the best approach. It is exP's role to facilitate contact with his parents not OP's.
GP's are clearly choosing to support their son rather than their grandchild.
OP wouldn't be preventing contact just no longer agreeing to be part of the lies and deception.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 16:53

It’s for op to facilitate contact with gps because she is a good mum. It’s sad that her dd father is not a good parent but using her dd to hurt him only reduces her to his level.

My ex never pays any maintenance. But he loves dds and it’s good for them to spend time with him. So I facilitate this, not for him but for them.

I had contact too with my dads family when younger but not my dad. I always thought that they likely knew where he was but I understood that his decision not to see me and my siblings were not their fault.i benefitted from having a relationship with them anyway. It turns out later that they didn’t know where he was but my sister did. I didn’t hold that against her either- he chose not to see me, not his family.

copperoliver · 20/05/2020 16:58

I stick with just phone calls. X

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 16:59

@CayrolBaaaskin

Yes OP is a good mum. In her OP she says But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

They lie to their GDs face. That is appalling. She is entitled to want better treatment than that for her daughter, without being seen as petty or 'punishing' just because 'it's so unfair' that poor GPs should get to see their GC despite how their son treats her. They don't have to be the same as their son, they are choosing to. OP can now choose to react to that how she wants.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:01

@Fedhimtotigers and @peperethecat - there is absolutely no reason in this case with the facts at hand that the gps would not be awarded visitation with their grandchild. The op would be forced by a court to allow this if they had to go down this route. Most cases are not “awarded to the parents”. A court would order access to the gp especially if there is an existing relationship and op (as rp) will be responsible for facilitating that.

Why would she stop her child seeing loving gps tho? Why would she force them to go to court? It would be cruel to her dd as well as the gps.

Tbf tho op is a good parent and is facilitating contact. I understand her frustration at the situation but good on her for doing what’s best for her dd.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 20/05/2020 17:03

They are simply not assisting the op with maintenance.

There's a difference between choosing not to financially assist themselves, or even not knowing his address and not being willing to act as a go between to try and find it on Ops behalf, and knowing exactly where he is but choosing to protect him in order to prevent Op from pursuing maintenance properly, just because they've decided that his right to 'build his life' is more important than the quality of life of their granddaughter.

The first two I can understand. The third tips them into the category of being people with very questionable morals for me. Good grandparents don't participate in making the lives of their granddaughter and her mother harder in order to better the life of their son.

DC10 · 20/05/2020 17:04

They're aiding him in avoiding his responsibilities - absolutely disgraceful. This isn't about you, it's about how he treats his daughter.

If they were offering to give you the maintenance money he should be giving you I'd let her carry on seeing them. But as they aren't, it's clear they just want the nice bits of being a grandparent, and aren't prepared to make sure that their son either does or is forced to do his duty by his daughter. Cut off all contact. Just don't answer the phone to them and if you have to speak to them explain exactly why they can't see her.

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 17:04

Sure @CayrolBaaaskin, so let them do that if they care so much. I mean, it'll probably cost them almost as much money as their son owes the OP/his daughter, so it would be more logical for them to either give the money to the OP for their granddaughter instead of wasting it in legal fees, or tell the OP where their waste of space responsibility-avoiding son is, in which case she will have no problem continuing to facilitate contact with them.

You seem to think they should get to have it both ways. That the OP should continue to faciliate these visits so they can play the doting grandparents, whilst they enable their son to avoid his responsibility to financially provide for his daughter.

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 17:06

@WhatCFeryIsThis - how would it help ops dd if the gps told her they knew where her father was? He is the one choosing not to see her, they can’t force him. Cutting them off to punish them for being “on his side” will only hurt the child involved even more

midwestsummer · 20/05/2020 17:08

I just don't buy that these parents love their dc in any meaningful sense, they abdicate looking after them in the most basic way possible.
Dc will love their parents regardless of the response they get from them as dc, they are biologically conditioned to do so.
It is up to adults around the dc to draw better boundaries and maintain higher standards than the dc are able to.
To me that is what being a good mum would be in this very difficult situation.
Modeling the standard of behavior that the dc should expect from those who state they love her in the future.
This involves not being lied to, not accepting being told you are loved when every action indicates this isn't true, not tolerating being fitted into the parts of someone's life that cause them no challenge but being excluded if it is more difficult. Understanding you are of worth and worth sacrifices sometimes from those who state they love you.
Otherwise there is surely a risk that you grow up really misunderstanding what healthy relationships look and feel like.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 20/05/2020 17:09

@CayrolBaaaskin so why can't they give them a contact number so she can hear daddy's voice?

peperethecat · 20/05/2020 17:10

how would it help ops dd if the gps told her they knew where her father was?

She knows they know where he is. It will help her if they tell her where she is, so she can try and get him to pay her what he owes.

What part of this is so difficult for you to understand?

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 17:10

@CayrolBaaaskin you don't know that. The court could easily side with OP especially during the limited contact over lockdown.

Freddiefox · 20/05/2020 17:10

How difficult op, my ex pays nothing, he and his mum see dc. It’s shit drives me mad. But at the moment they like to see them and benefit from seeing them. They enjoy going along.

Does your dd enjoys seeing them? And is she benefit from it. They may not have her best interest at heart financially but maybe she benefits in other ways. It’s really not fair I understand. But I won’t get them years down the line and have someone turn around and say the lack of relationship is my doing.