I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

[SquishyBones]

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

Oh and completely agree with Waffles. Your earnings need to go into your account but obviously after you have sought legal advice because once he notices your finances changing I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes things difficult. So do make sure you know your rights.

It just sounds like you are not compatible as a couple. You don't seem to like anything he likes and he isn't trying to do something you like.
The relationship continued by you sacrificing. It doesn't sound right at all.

crimsonnightlotus
just speaking from experience.
The problem with a gaming partner is that they often aren't present.
They're totally zoned out of reality and zoned into the game.
It's like having a warm body in the house, but nobody's home.
Great if the whole household are gamers, incredibly lonely for the ones who aren't.
is rather have a partner who buggered off every Saturday to play golf or something, at least he'd be out the house instead of clustering it up.
I feel for the op, unless you are into games yourself then it is a seriously lonely existence.

@SquishyBones, re the autism comment.

Autistic women frequently end up with men they have nothing in common with.

Also dependency on alcohol can go hand in hand with the condition - driven by the feelings of aimlessness and isolation which you describe.

There's a great book called 'Women and Girls on the AS' by Sarah Hendrickx - you can buy it on Amazon, and all these things are discussed in detail.

I don't know where you live, but in many areas there are AS support groups for women only - obviously not meeting right now, but it is something to consider if and when things get back to 'normal'.

But I agree with the other posters who have pointed out that you are still young, and you have no ties - there are so many positives for a fresh start.

Even if you are forced to leave if your marriage ends, you do have legal options for releasing any money owed to you from the house, if it is jointly owned - speak to a solicitor.

@MumofBees

This is a grown ass man not a teenager, my husband loves his gaming laptop and Likes playing his games but every day no and for hours on end again no , its called having respect in the marriage this sounds more like a mother living with teenage soon , no chance in hell would I live this this. Life is far too short and precious

You say you love Christmas and he makes it miserable. Aim to have a good Christmas without him, work towards that. Get a permanent job, get your wages paid into your own account, speak to a solicitor.

Tiny, I am a gamer, and I am nothing like you describe. I can control myself, I can drop it and be with my family, game isn't ruling my life.
My dh is into several sports, he has routine(well, before lockdown) and away from home. It may have been different if he had no interest of his own, but we have been married nearly 2 decades, and had no problem with my gaming. Also another factor was that we have same taste in many thing like music, film etc.
Now my ds become a gamer, dh never shown interest before, but he does now, to spend time with ds. Also my ds isn't only obsessed with games either, he loves playing sport with dh too. He would happily go out to play outside with dh rather than stuck in the room in front of the screen.

Oh my , I agree it's not the gaming it's him he's selfish .
Also he's made you financially dependent on him , you should both have access to the joint account .
You should be able to set up your own log on with the bank if it's in both names . Ring the bank today .
Yes to re setting your pension up too.
Start planning for the future , don't waste any more years with this man child .

We game in our house, but we are not like your DH. The real issue here is he doesn’t love or even like you and probably hasn’t ever by the sound of it. You need to break up with him this relationship is not salvageable. Please also get some help with your drinking levels, your probably both miserable as your both addicted to something to cope with being together.

Just a quickie as I’m at work.

Have just done some quick calculations. Working full time is bring home around £1700 a month. The mortgage for this 4 bed detached is only £500 a month so I could get something smaller for at least the same cost which after all bills would still leave me with a decent surplus in my bank. I don’t have any expensive hobbies so even if I just got my gym membership back that’s only £20 a month. Financially I think I’d be ok.

I’ve seen a full time permanent job I’m going to apply for. I have lots of previous experience in the role and they’re desperate so might be someone watching over me after all.

That’s great squishy- keep posting here for support we are all behind you. Focus on having that great Christmas with your son and dog in your own place.

That's great news about the possible job vacancy.

You say your mortgage is only £500 a month; but what deposit / equity did you both put in ?

You need to look at the cost of houses and work on a very rough basis of a mortgage of 3 times your salary ( possibly slightly more) on a 25 year term (they ought to give you that, at age 40.)

If you earn something like £25K a year, then 3 x that would be a mortgage of £75K, plus any equity you got out of the sale of the joint home.

Re-start your pension ASAP.

And either get full access to the joint account, or have your salary paid into your account and transfer money for the bills.

Good luck with the job application!

I have just done a quick mortgage quote on NatWest and according to that they could lend me around £106k if I had a £20k deposit. That would allow me to buy a house for around £125k and mortgage payments would be below £400 a month.

This house was £140k and we have paid off £40k.

I was doing my calculations earlier and it occurred to me that I don’t even know how much stuff costs anymore. Gas/electric/phone bill/sky, insurances etc ... I have no idea as he shuts me out of it all. Lightbulb moment ... his ex wife said the same in her divorce papers. She was never allowed a say on household bills etc and had to ask him for money for stuff for the kids. He also refused to engage and kept her isolated away from family and friends.

I just know he’s going to make this difficult. His ex was waiting 2 years for him to finalise the divorce and longer for him to sell the house as he dragged it out and kept making excuses.

So you need to spend some time gathering all the information you need. Access your financials. Photograph everything and contact a lawyer.

The first thing you need to do is STOP the direct deposit of your pay and direct it into a sole account. If he wants your help with the HH bills, he's going to have to prove to you how much they are before you agree to put in 'your share'. God only knows what he's been socking away in his own name using the majority of your pay to maintain the house.

Next, reopen that pension and start depositing. Even if you can only manage a small contribution until you get your life on track. You can always increase your contributions later. Well, hopefully. I'm in the US and don't know the rules there.

Then, speak to a solicitor about divorce and forcing the sale of the house vs one of you buying the other out (if that's possible). Would you want the house if it could be worked out that you could get a mortgage that would allow you to buy him out?

As far as the dog, I know that it's very hard where I live (again, US) to find a (reasonably priced) rental that will take a pet. Plus remember that there may be added expenses such as a dog walker/doggy daycare that perhaps you're not having to use now. But you're certainly not going to be able to count on him for any help in that department.

My nephew is miserable in his relationship but won't leave because of his large dog. He can't afford to pay the rent for a place he could keep him, but understandably doesn't want to let him go. The dog isn't mean, but isn't well socialized to accept strangers or other dogs, so getting a dog walker/sitter or rehoming him (if he chose to) would be very difficult. If your dog isn't well socialized, now is a good time to start working on that.

@SquishyBones Maybe do some more calculations? Do you see your joint account? Do you have one? That will show your outgoings such as council tax, utilities, water rates, house insurance, car insurances etc.

As a guide, our utilities for a 4 bed house are around £120- £150 a month.
Council tax is around £200 a month
Water rates £600 a year
House insurance for contents around £500 a year

Obviously yours may be less as housing sounds very cheap in your area. Where I am, a 4-bed house is at least £500K or more.
The cheapest flat in my area is around £200K for a 1-bed.

Can you see your household bills online or paper copies?

See a solicitor as soon as you can. Get your salary paid into your bank account from next payroll. Make sure you get a share of his pension.

Your solicitor will advise you. Get away from this awful man. Good luck OP

You sound stronger now, which is pleasing

That sounds exactly what my marriage was like. I had to almost book in advance to watch a film or tv together. I ended up drinking a lot more just for something to do as he was always on his laptop.

I ended up working more just to have some social interaction and like you was jealous of people living alone.

I then met DP and knew that there was nothing left of the marriage anymore. Me and DP were friends first and I knew even if nothing ever happened it gave me the confidence to leave.

That was in the August and I got my own flat in the January. It was bliss. I had no carpets or even a tv when I moved in but I didnt care! It was so nice going home to my own home with no one sitting ignoring me etc.

You need to leave op it's not fair living like that, and I know.

Are you in contact with his Ex? Would it be worth a chat a more detailed about why they split...?

It sounds like you would be able to rent temporarily while the divorce goes through and assets get divided. Financially speaking.

Get copies of all paperwork. Get all your documents and anything of importance. Get your pay moved to your account.
Do it as soon as you can, don't put it off.

I was about to come on and begin a rant about those having a dig at gamers - they aren't all like that. Not all male ones prioritize it over their relationships but after reading your updates OP I can see the gaming is not the issue here.
Jesus, you will be much better off without this arse in your life.
I'd be happy to let him keep gaming, in your shoes, as I'd not really want the fucker around me tbh.
Agree with others..
Definitely go FT and sort your pension out.
As a matter of urgency get your wages switched to your own account asap. As long as you're living in the property just transfer your part of what's paid out each month back into his acc and nothing more.
Please try to knock the excessive drinking on the head.
Good luck

Dogs trust may be able to help you with your dog as you try to sort things out - www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/hope-project-freedom-project/freedom-project