I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

[SquishyBones]

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

[Keha]

My husband is a gamer, it's his hobby. Some of the games I play with him. He plays online, complex RPGs. Shockingly he also enjoys things like dungeons and dragons. Gaming does not make him a "man child" and is not in and of itself a problem. The problem seems to be that you've both found yourselves not spending any time together. I hope you find a way to enjoy spending more time together or a way out of your relationship.

[Custardcreamies101]

Talk to him, explain how you feel! Don’t just end it without communicating first.

[FortunesFave]

See, HE"S quite happy....selfishly so but happy....he retreats to his games and feels fulflled.

Why haven't you got a hobby? What about joining something?

He's not responsible for you choosing to sit around all weekend doing nothing. Just because he's a shit partner doesn't mean your life has had to stop.

I think you need to look past him first.....look to yourself. The divorce will follow anyway I expect.

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

You drink because you're bored.
Maybe he games because he's bored?
Honestly, you don't seem well matched. Did you ever like each other?
You must have found something endearing about him to marry him. What's changed?
I can't imagine being with anyone I found dull.
If a thing does not spark joy, get rid of it.

[expat101]

A couple of our friends are gamers and have a few rules as each partner isn't into gaming to the same degree. All are over 40 so I guess they have been around long enough to understand the give and take in relationships too.

So Friday nights are for the gamers (this works for them, it may be another night that works better for your OH) and they will meet at one of the houses that is set up specifically for the purpose. (no kids).

The partners of those gamers generally go and do their own thing, concerts with another friend, long movie PJ night at theirs etc.

Gamers go home generally sometime the next morning and try and catch up on a bit of sleep. Then they swing into some household activity with the other partner, one gardens, another has a small self-sufficiency farmlet as well as being self-employed in the IT industry.

The gamers might have bursts of online during the week but it's not a ''get home and into it'' thing first and foremost.

I think you need to nip Hubby's routine in the bud now. It is excluding you and for the life of me, I don't understand why he got married if he was going to carry on as a single unattached man.

Did he replace his Mother and her role with you? Someone to cook and clean while his life carried on in a little room. ?

[SquishyBones]

Thanks for the replies. He wasn’t always like this, we used to go out and see bands etc on a weekend, we used to watch films together and go to bed together. But looking back I realise that everytime we did go out, it was shit. It was to do something HE wanted to do. Live music wasn’t really what I was into as I struggle with crowds etc (awaiting autism assessment). Festivals etc wasn’t really my thing but I did it for him. After a few years of this and never doing anything I wanted to do I stopped always agreeing to do these things and suggested he go with a friend instead, especially as our music tastes were so different. That’s when he just stopped doing anything at all.

Of course I have spoken to him. I said there is a pub a 20 minute walk away through country lane, we could walk there on a Sunday for lunch. He makes excuses. I ask him to walk the dog with me ... he’s too “tired” or outright says he can’t be arsed. I’ve asked him not to spend so much time on the computer game, he says he doesn’t. I asked him to at least make the effort to come to bed with me ... he said he would and that lasted one day.

There are things from the past I’m starting to reflect on too. Everytime we went on holiday he would start an argument and would have me in tears.

Example ... we went to Thailand and he had booked a “hotel” on an island for three nights in the middle of it. We got there and it was absolute shit hole. I’m not exagurating, the room was basically a concrete air raid shelter thing with a blanket nailed across the window. The door was rotted wood with holes in it and a padlock keeping it “secure”. The bed was a concrete block with an old mucky mattress thrown on top and no bedding. The shower didn’t work, the toilet didn’t flush and there was a giant centipede on the wall. My reaction was “oh my god! We can’t stay here!! We should try and find somewhere else ... “

Well that was it. He decided to stonewall me for the rest of the day/night. Decided that we were no longer going out and would just stay in the room and sleep all day. It was horrendous. Torture almost. I ended up begging for him to come out with me (I didn’t feel safe on that island) and he outright refused. Just sat there lapping up my remorse like a fucking dictator with his subject.
I have many tales like this. It’s a reoccurring theme. He does it every Christmas too.

Btw he drinks heavily too. I never used to but somehow, sitting on my own with a bottle of wine beats sitting on my own for hours with a cup of tea.

[SquishyBones]

And, I did have hobbies. I used to go to martial arts class twice a week and then socialise with them after class in the local pub on a Thursday night. I used to go to the gym 4 days a week, either by myself or with a friend.

This was just a couple of years ago. Somehow, I lost all motivation. I’d come home and he’d be sat here on that fucking game. The same game now for the past two years.

On Sunday I went around the house hoovering, polishing, tidying up, putting washes on ... I put a few things on the dining room table and asked him to put them in the garage for me. Hours later they’re still sat there because he’s “gaming”.

I don’t mind games!!! I play games myself! I play The Sims 4 and Red Dead Redemption ... but I do it for an hour or so on a Friday and Saturday night. That’s the difference, I don’t come home from work and sit there “gaming” my life away.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

That’s so sad to read. If you said you were ending things what would he say?

[SquishyBones]

He wouldn’t give a shit. He’s said it to me enough times himself ... usually after I disagree with him on something “oh well, we’ll have to split up then”. Years of this shit I’ve had. Fucking emotional abuse from day 1.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

How old are you both if you don’t mind me asking?

[SquishyBones]

He’s nearly 50, I’m nearly 40

[1AngelicFruitCake]

😮 I thought you were going to say 20s! He’s acting like a child!! There’s more to life than this. What were the things that you said happened at Christmas?

[Keitepeheakoe]

This marriage is already dead...

[SquishyBones]

Yeah I know! Reading my post back it does come across like we’re very young. But no ... he’s a greying 50 year old man. I’m 10 years younger but feel 20 years older.

He goes in a mood EVERY Christmas without fail. Stonewalls me, engineers arguments. He has made me HATE Christmas and I used to love it.

Last Christmas Day he sat playing that god forsaken game for hours with the door shut and then started acting like a moody brat when I asked him to come off it. It was horrendous and so depressing.

[LivingThatLockdownLife]

Your update is heartbreaking. Sounds like he has been controlling and abusive from the start OP.

He doesn't love you. Not because you're not worth loving. Only because he is a broken person who is incapable of love.

If you left him you could get your life back.

Better to live in a little flat but be alive. You only live once.

[Dashel]

This isn’t a healthy marriage for you and you need to make plans to get out of it. Even if you can’t physically leave at the moment start getting things in order. Although would your aunt appreciate a lodger if she is divorcing? Company and some rent if she has a spare room?

I think you need to stop the drinking for yourself and start getting interests of your own, if you loved the gym then maybe walking, couch to 5k, and at home exercise program like Les Mills which has lots of options and most don’t need equipment.

It doesn’t sound like you can fix the marriage but work instead on fixing you.

[okiedokieme]

It does sound dire, sorry. My ex games but we still did "stuff". Use the time now to get your cv and references in order, let people know you need a permanent job - then make plans to file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

[Nicedayforawedding]

I used to be with someone like this,it gets worse.I used to be like you,staying in all the time waiting and putting up with the moods and arguments.

I did start going out and doing things,at this point I’d given up all hope of him changing but couldn’t bring myself to leave him.After that things got worse,he turned violent and I still stayed for a while but eventually I packed up and left.

Best thing I ever did, I look back and think what an awful time it was.I used to drink like you out of loneliness, I rarely drink these days.

Leave, it will get worse.

[SquishyBones]

My aunt would have me there, she’s even suggested it herself (I used to live with her as a child as my mum didn’t want me either 😂 ) but I couldn’t take my dog.

I must take my dog. She’s my best friend.

Another thing ... DH made me come out of the NHS pension as he said we couldn’t afford it. I’m well and truly fucked arnt I

[SquishyBones]

Just to add, we couldn’t afford “my pension” but we could afford hundreds of £s to put into HIS pension every month.

[mintyt]

Please please leave. Get plans in place, 40 is young, I divorced at 38 with 3 children, you have so much of your life to live. What kind of dog do you have. You must not be this unhappy any longer, get yourself together, look after you. Get your ducks in a row and leave because you are worth it

[intheningnangnong]

I was going to say that he’s not responsible for your happiness, but it sounds like he’s sucked the happiness out of you.

Get a plan. Get motivated. Get him gone.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

Can you opt back into the scheme?

As you've only been married a short time (although I imagine it feels a lot longer ...) you can't rely on getting any cut of his pension on divorce.

What's the house / equity situation?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Get a permanent job and get back into the NHS pension scheme you can still build up another 27 years worth of pension that's a lot of money.

What sort of a husband tells his wife she can't have a pension whilst contributing to one himself? My ex husband that's who. And yours should be an ex too because he clearly doesn't care about you.

[SquishyBones]

We jointly own the house but initially he bought it and told me I couldn’t be named on it as it would stop us getting a mortgage. I realise now that this was bullshit so after two years I managed to get it in both names (I was paying half the mortgage from day 1). So now it’s jointly owned but I don’t know if him initially buying it in just his name will effect what I’m entitled to?