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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

157 replies

SquishyBones · 18/05/2020 19:02

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 18/05/2020 20:06

Get rid. Sounds like you are still young. You deserve something more. I can't begin to imagine being with someone who 'games' all the time, it's weird. Thank goodness you have no child. Begone as soon as you can! You didn't sign up for that.

Bertucci · 18/05/2020 20:07

He sounds as dull as ditchwater, and very limited.

I can't imagine living with an adult that plays on computer games all evening. How bloody boring.

BooseysMom · 18/05/2020 20:08

I would love to live alone

But you kind of do live alone..you hardly see each other. Confused

maddening · 18/05/2020 20:08

If you are in no danger then do some self. Maintenance first, stop the drinking, brush up qualifications, health, CV, make a life plan and strike out on that plan when you are ready. No point sinking yourself to escape something that is no danger and just boring.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/05/2020 20:08

How old are you both now?

I do understand what you are feeling BUT at the same time it sounds as if you are very passive and have already checked out of this marriage without trying anything to help.

Is there more to it?

I'm worried that you ask for advice on leaving and finances, not how to fix things.

Marriage takes a lot of work! it doesn't always go smoothly.

And 4 years is hardly a blink of the eye (I've got 36 years under my belt!)

What did you love about him?
How has he changed?
Why have you stopped communicating with each other?

What is stopping you suggesting things to do together? (Even with lockdown, DH and I do a walk each day for 1- 1,5 hrs in the countryside.)

Now it's lighter at night you could suggest that.

OhioOhioOhio · 18/05/2020 20:09

Nobody watching t.v. think they are in the film. Gamers sometimes do assume the reality of their gaming world. This is what my xh did. Crying, puking babies wouldn't get in the way of his game.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/05/2020 20:11

Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since

So what does he say when you talk to him about it?

Please don't say you never have. Hmm

Maybe he is bored with YOU!

Are you bringing anything to the marriage?

Clearly not financial stability, no hobbies, no interests, just walking the dog each day.

What would he say if he started his own thread on the state of his marriage?

SmallChickBilly · 18/05/2020 20:12

What would you like to do? What died he say when you suggest something?

Treaclepie19 · 18/05/2020 20:15

I'm not sure your only problem is your DH.
What would you be doing to entertain yourself if you lived alone?
Sounds like the drinking is easy to blame on him but you could be doing something else if you chose to.
He may not realise you want to do something together. Talk to him.

randomer · 18/05/2020 20:16

Now is not a gret time for major changes like this.

randomer · 18/05/2020 20:18

"get rid", er no. More to it than that.

pallisers · 18/05/2020 20:19

What was he like when you started going out with him? When you decided to marry him? I presume there must have been a time when you did things together and were interested in each other? Is there enough of that feeling left that you could sit him down adn ask him for you both to make changes - start going for a walk together in the evening, find a tv show to watch, set aside a few nights when you go to bed at the same time.

He sounds addicted to gaming and you sound well on your way to an addiction of your own tbh. The whole thing sounds incredibly dreary too.

If he won't change, then change yourself - stop the drinking, find something to occupy yourself (I know it is hard in lockdown), meet up with friends virtually, join a virtual bookclub. Anything but sitting there drinking out of boredom while he games in another room. If he won't change then start minding yourself and thinking about your future.

Witchofzog · 18/05/2020 20:19

Op probably drinks because she is so bloody lonely. The dh sounds like he has checked out of the marriage to be honest. The idea of being married is surely to do things together? Not all the time but sometimes. Gaming in moderation is ok but living with someone who only games and does nothing else is boring and miserable. I did it for years and it's soul destroying.

Op have you raised this with him? Could you walk the dog together sometimes? Chat about your day? Maybe have nights where there is no gaming or drinking - perhaps cook a meal together and eat at the table. Play board games together? Go to bed early and have sex. Try to reconnect with him and if he isn't interested then you have your answer and you need to make plans to end things

user8558 · 18/05/2020 20:20

What would be different if you lived alone?

He's hidden away gaming all the time.

What would be different about your life if you lived alone?

Get on and do the things you wanna do. Why financially disadvantage yourself by actually living alone?

Let him exempt himself from your life as he's choosing to do, and crack on with what you want. Have your cake and eat it.

Josette77 · 18/05/2020 20:24

It sounds like you need hobbies and interests of your own. Do you see your friends? Skype or phone calls? If you leave you will still have to live with you and it sounds like you don't do much alone besides drink.

VenusTiger · 18/05/2020 20:25

Does he know how you feel OP? What would happen if you gave the relationship a chance if you opened up? Do you love eachother?

jackdawdawn · 18/05/2020 20:26

He doesn't have to leave, the house is in both your names presumably.

You would have to agree to sell and split the equity, and if he refuses to do that, I think you can issue civil proceedings to demand he buys you out.

It is a miserable situation to be in, I am sorry.

I am also sorry to say that if he spends a lot of time online, he may be chatting to other women, looking at adult sites etc.

You sound immensely lonely within your relationship and you may enjoy being alone more. But you need to find an alternative to drinking - or you'll just become a drinker living alone.

BubblyBarbara · 18/05/2020 20:28

when we bought our house I said no TVs in any room but the living room, so he has to make sure he isn't hogging the TV

This sounds very controlling. Did he agree to this state of affairs? Is it “hogging” when you watch three hours of Netflix or just when he’s on it?

JinglingHellsBells · 18/05/2020 20:31

@BubblyBarbara Are you on the right thread? I can't see the OP saying that or are you referring to another poster.

thegreenmachine · 18/05/2020 20:31

Make a life of your own away from him, you will do this if you leave anyway. It might be enough to make him wake up and safe his marriage. If not, you'll have gained some self esteem and something to stop you from drinking.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/05/2020 20:33

Have you spoken to your husband, you need to tell him how you feel and that your feeling of things don’t change you need/want to end the marriage.

Crimsonnightlotus · 18/05/2020 20:35

I am a gamer, so I do spend a lot of time gaming, but definitely choose to do something as a family than gaming. Have you talked about it that you feel like this? I am sure if he cared about you, he would compromise. Also if you have never tried to play, it may be fun for you too.
My dh says I am addicted, but never have been a problem. I don't play in the evening, we always watch films together etc.

Megatron · 18/05/2020 20:36

This sounds very controlling. Did he agree to this state of affairs? Is it “hogging” when you watch three hours of Netflix or just when he’s on it?

Maybe it works for them @BubblyBarbara? I can't see anywhere in @StellaDelMare's post where she says she sits and watches three hours of Netflix. I don't know why people just make stuff up. The thread isn't about her anyway.

OP you need to decide if you actually want to be with him. If so you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. He'll either want to try too or he won't. If you just don't love him anymore then there's not much hope really.

MaeveDidIt · 18/05/2020 20:36

YANBU
How absolutely soul-destroying.
He's an addict - addicted to gaming.
You'll be a lot better off without him.
Good luck 💐

bloodyhellsbellsx · 18/05/2020 20:41

Yeah that’s no life OP. maybe have a chat he might not realise things have gotten so stale and he might try reignite the relationship. If not I’d start making an escape plan.