I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

[SquishyBones]

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

How are you getting on OP?

[Josette77]

Reading your update he sounds awful. Leave him and get your life back. You have years of happiness ahead of you without him.

[jackdawdawn]

@marblesgoing.

You dodged a bullet! Glad you found someone who made you happy.

[Ineedabreak19]

www.lawsociety.org.uk/for-the-public/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce/

[marblesgoing]

@squishy.

Looks like you've been looking at finances and secure jobs etc which is brilliant.

Your only a year older than me.

I still feel in my 20s op with an awesome dh who also feels younger.
Because we have fun together and enjoy each other's company,get each other's humour and want to spend time together.

Don't ever settle. It's not worth it.

Your a strong person and you deserve to be happy and if that means divorcing and splitting the house so be it.

If you know financially you'll manage and Youl also get a life and friends back again and freedom do it.

Get everything in order as quickly and methodically as you can and then seek advice to get the ball rolling.

I was in your shoes in my first marriage.
No kids but more lonely than if I had been single. It just felt wrong.

I had brought it all up so many times and then one day I just thought fuck this,no more and I started to get the ball rolling.

Didn't even tell ex dh what I was doing I figured I'd told him enough times it was not a happy marriage but he was a selfish fuck and didn't care enough to do anything.

When he got the divorce letter from my solicitor he was absolutely gob smacked

He actually had a man tantrum when realisation hit that I wasn't going to be his cleaner cook and surrogate mother anymore and had had enough.

The first words that came out of his mouth were
"You can't leave me"!!!

I said I'd been trying to talk to him for months and he didn't want to acknowledge me at all or change things and is finally snapped.

We stayed in seperate rooms and didn't talk for a good couple of weeks but I was out working or out at the gym or with friends.
I ate out more to avoid buying and cooking food at home and I actually took my clothes to my parents to do

The house went on the market and every time a viewing came up I would shove all his mess under his bed or in his wardrobe,do a surface clean and leave them to it.

It sold quickly to a cash buyer which was perfect.
I secured a mortgage and bought my own small place.

He moved bak with parents and now lives in a house share so clearly hasn't managed to grow up at all and he's in his forties now.

I look back now and shudder

Do it op. Don't look back

[MehMehM3h]

@SquishyBones your H sounds like my ex. We did nothing, he would spend entire weekends playing games. When we lived in his flat, he would spend the entire time playing and I would just have to watch him...or sit in the bedroom reading/twiddling my thumbs. It took over his life, even when he was working from home - he'd play on the PS4 with his work phone to hand.

I never cared if he played games now and again, this was on another level, it was just all consuming, all of the time. I'd be waiting for him to cook dinner/tell me what he wanted to order and he was too busy playing to do it (yet if I was watching a TV show and was late cooking dinner, I'd never hear the end of it!)

He also did the whole ruining things that I wanted to do by being shitty and awful as well. Your Thailand story took me back to our trip to India, one night he was so moody, wouldn't talk to me properly, left me alone the whole day (I went to the beach), we had a reservation for dinner and he was being so shit, I told him I wasn't coming. He stormed off and took the key card so that I would have to sit in the dark.

I get you, he has drained any joy you had out of you, leaving him will help that, I promise. Over time, I realised my ex was massively abusive (physical and emotional) and I eventually found the strength to divorce him. I moved countries afterwards and living alone is bliss!

[InFiveMins]

Leave. Life is too short for this OP.

[Steamfan]

Dogs trust may be able to help you with your dog as you try to sort things out - www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/hope-project-freedom-project/freedom-project

[CarolefeckinBaskin]

I was about to come on and begin a rant about those having a dig at gamers - they aren't all like that. Not all male ones prioritize it over their relationships but after reading your updates OP I can see the gaming is not the issue here.
Jesus, you will be much better off without this arse in your life.
I'd be happy to let him keep gaming, in your shoes, as I'd not really want the fucker around me tbh.
Agree with others..
Definitely go FT and sort your pension out.
As a matter of urgency get your wages switched to your own account asap. As long as you're living in the property just transfer your part of what's paid out each month back into his acc and nothing more.
Please try to knock the excessive drinking on the head.
Good luck

[Susanna85]

It sounds like you would be able to rent temporarily while the divorce goes through and assets get divided. Financially speaking.

Get copies of all paperwork. Get all your documents and anything of importance. Get your pay moved to your account.
Do it as soon as you can, don't put it off.

[LannieDuck]

Are you in contact with his Ex? Would it be worth a chat a more detailed about why they split...?

[GrandTheftWalrus]

That sounds exactly what my marriage was like. I had to almost book in advance to watch a film or tv together. I ended up drinking a lot more just for something to do as he was always on his laptop.

I ended up working more just to have some social interaction and like you was jealous of people living alone.

I then met DP and knew that there was nothing left of the marriage anymore. Me and DP were friends first and I knew even if nothing ever happened it gave me the confidence to leave.

That was in the August and I got my own flat in the January. It was bliss. I had no carpets or even a tv when I moved in but I didnt care! It was so nice going home to my own home with no one sitting ignoring me etc.

You need to leave op it's not fair living like that, and I know.

[mintyt]

You sound stronger now, which is pleasing

[OhTheGeese]

See a solicitor as soon as you can. Get your salary paid into your bank account from next payroll. Make sure you get a share of his pension.

Your solicitor will advise you. Get away from this awful man. Good luck OP

[JinglingHellsBells]

@SquishyBones Maybe do some more calculations? Do you see your joint account? Do you have one? That will show your outgoings such as council tax, utilities, water rates, house insurance, car insurances etc.

As a guide, our utilities for a 4 bed house are around £120- £150 a month.
Council tax is around £200 a month
Water rates £600 a year
House insurance for contents around £500 a year

Obviously yours may be less as housing sounds very cheap in your area. Where I am, a 4-bed house is at least £500K or more.
The cheapest flat in my area is around £200K for a 1-bed.

Can you see your household bills online or paper copies?

[AcrossthePond55]

The first thing you need to do is STOP the direct deposit of your pay and direct it into a sole account. If he wants your help with the HH bills, he's going to have to prove to you how much they are before you agree to put in 'your share'. God only knows what he's been socking away in his own name using the majority of your pay to maintain the house.

Next, reopen that pension and start depositing. Even if you can only manage a small contribution until you get your life on track. You can always increase your contributions later. Well, hopefully. I'm in the US and don't know the rules there.

Then, speak to a solicitor about divorce and forcing the sale of the house vs one of you buying the other out (if that's possible). Would you want the house if it could be worked out that you could get a mortgage that would allow you to buy him out?

As far as the dog, I know that it's very hard where I live (again, US) to find a (reasonably priced) rental that will take a pet. Plus remember that there may be added expenses such as a dog walker/doggy daycare that perhaps you're not having to use now. But you're certainly not going to be able to count on him for any help in that department.

My nephew is miserable in his relationship but won't leave because of his large dog. He can't afford to pay the rent for a place he could keep him, but understandably doesn't want to let him go. The dog isn't mean, but isn't well socialized to accept strangers or other dogs, so getting a dog walker/sitter or rehoming him (if he chose to) would be very difficult. If your dog isn't well socialized, now is a good time to start working on that.

[footprintsintheslow]

So you need to spend some time gathering all the information you need. Access your financials. Photograph everything and contact a lawyer.

[SquishyBones]

I have just done a quick mortgage quote on NatWest and according to that they could lend me around £106k if I had a £20k deposit. That would allow me to buy a house for around £125k and mortgage payments would be below £400 a month.

This house was £140k and we have paid off £40k.

I was doing my calculations earlier and it occurred to me that I don’t even know how much stuff costs anymore. Gas/electric/phone bill/sky, insurances etc ... I have no idea as he shuts me out of it all. Lightbulb moment ... his ex wife said the same in her divorce papers. She was never allowed a say on household bills etc and had to ask him for money for stuff for the kids. He also refused to engage and kept her isolated away from family and friends.

I just know he’s going to make this difficult. His ex was waiting 2 years for him to finalise the divorce and longer for him to sell the house as he dragged it out and kept making excuses.

[LannieDuck]

Re-start your pension ASAP.

And either get full access to the joint account, or have your salary paid into your account and transfer money for the bills.

Good luck with the job application!

[JinglingHellsBells]

That's great news about the possible job vacancy.

You say your mortgage is only £500 a month; but what deposit / equity did you both put in ?

You need to look at the cost of houses and work on a very rough basis of a mortgage of 3 times your salary ( possibly slightly more) on a 25 year term (they ought to give you that, at age 40.)

If you earn something like £25K a year, then 3 x that would be a mortgage of £75K, plus any equity you got out of the sale of the joint home.

[Wilberforce42]

That’s great squishy- keep posting here for support we are all behind you. Focus on having that great Christmas with your son and dog in your own place.

[SquishyBones]

I’ve seen a full time permanent job I’m going to apply for. I have lots of previous experience in the role and they’re desperate so might be someone watching over me after all.

[SquishyBones]

Just a quickie as I’m at work.

Have just done some quick calculations. Working full time is bring home around £1700 a month. The mortgage for this 4 bed detached is only £500 a month so I could get something smaller for at least the same cost which after all bills would still leave me with a decent surplus in my bank. I don’t have any expensive hobbies so even if I just got my gym membership back that’s only £20 a month. Financially I think I’d be ok.

[Valkadin]

We game in our house, but we are not like your DH. The real issue here is he doesn’t love or even like you and probably hasn’t ever by the sound of it. You need to break up with him this relationship is not salvageable. Please also get some help with your drinking levels, your probably both miserable as your both addicted to something to cope with being together.

[imsooverthisdrama]

Oh my , I agree it's not the gaming it's him he's selfish .
Also he's made you financially dependent on him , you should both have access to the joint account .
You should be able to set up your own log on with the bank if it's in both names . Ring the bank today .
Yes to re setting your pension up too.
Start planning for the future , don't waste any more years with this man child .