I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

[SquishyBones]

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

[JinglingHellsBells]

@MaeveDidIt How can you be so sure he is addicted to gaming? Just because he plays it a lot does not make him an addict. People do all sorts of things a lot but it's not an addiction.

You must have missed the part about the OP drinking for 4 days solidly to blot out what's going on. How does that make her sound? Addiction on the way?

[MaxNormal]

OP you can end a relationship for any reason you want. Life is too short to hang around being miserable.

[StellaDelMare]

@Megatron not being controlling at all, he knows himself he gets carried away on his games and having one TV is about us living together and not in separate rooms.

[AcrossthePond55]

TBH, I think the first thing you need to do is stop drinking. No one should stay in a marriage where they aren't happy and I'm not saying that stopping drinking is going to change that. But it will put you in a better position to see clearly and make plans for the future. With him or without him.

[StellaDelMare]

Sorry, realised I tagged the wrong person @Megatron in relatively new and can't figure out how to delete my comment!

@BubblyBarbara as I said above, definitely not controlling. We have one TV in the house because we live together and don't want to live in separate rooms to each other which could easily happen in relationships.

[Megatron]

@StellaDelMare it wasn't me who said that, I was quoting the poster who said you were controlling. I didn't.

[Megatron]

@StellaDelMare no worries. 😊

[StellaDelMare]

Back to the OP...
I think it's really important to communicate and figure out something that would work for your relationship. Go for a walk, watch a series together, make time for each other :)

[Crimsonnightlotus]

I just think it could be just a big misunderstanding by not talking to each other.
If you think spending evening or weekends together is important to you, have you said anything about it to him?
It's really bad spiral, he start gaming, you start drinking. Both maybe thinking wtf, tbh. You need to have a talk, before giving up. If he is no way to change his way, then maybe better off without him. But at least you need to speak to each other properly before making decision.

[Sigridalpine]

I do feel bad for you, and this whole thing sounds miserable. But you don't seem to make much effort either so this situation is the fault of you both. You need to both discuss it. If you both think it's salvageable then it is time to really try and connect. Otherwise you may both be happier elsewhere.

And yes, I disagree with those who assume gaming is a manchild's hobby. Many games are very creative and thoughtful, and require critical thinking. It's not all COD.

[Auntlouisa]

Not overly sympathetic. What is stopping you from going out on your own?Developing hobbies, doing charity work, going to the theatre, making friends, going away at the weekend? You have control over your own life, and are responsible for your drinking.
If you leave him, you won't have a free dog sitter, and living alone is much tougher financially.

[BrandNewHair]

Buy him out if you can and make plans to leave.

[Crimsonnightlotus]

"And yes, I disagree with those who assume gaming is a manchild's hobby."
Nice to know some people think this way on MN tbh. If I ever comment about gaming, I always get cold shoulder on MN, despite some of the games are wonderful and great for kids too.

[Tiny2018]

Living with a gamer is soul destroying and incredibly lonely.
My ex used to stay up til gone 2am to game, but would not come yo bed with me at 10pm without the promise of something exciting.
Gamers have two track brain, game and sex/sleep.
Get the fuck out, you'll be more lonely in this type of relationship than you would ever be alone.
Living with somebody should be more fun than this ever will be.

[Crimsonnightlotus]

Tiny2018, isn't it a bit too judgemental? Your ex may have been. But I don't have two track brain.
The good thing that happened to my dc for having a gamer mum. Interest in reading, art, music. Good comprehension. Interest in numbers, foreign language. Good cognitive skills.
Most of all, in my gaming society, people do care for others, especially think of family as priority.

[HollowTalk]

Re-post this in Relationships, OP. The keyboard warriors live on AIBU.

[RhubarbTea]

It sounds like you're really dissatisfied with yourself and your life, and you're projecting it on to your marriage and DH when really you're wrestling with more than just that.

I say this not to be unkind, but because I have seen threads where the OP has a happy and fulfilling life and the DH is like a grumpy boring millstone round her neck who won't engage with the nice things she organises or the bustling social life she has, and it doesn't sound like that is what is happening here. You sound as though you are waiting for something, for him to do something.
What relationships were modelled for you as you grew up? Do you love him? Did you have high expectations of marriage or having an other half of the 'you complete me' sort, and the reality is just a bit shit? Do you like yourself? Do you have friends and hobbies? Are you happy in your job?

Lockdown brings up a lot of buried stuff and it's an excellent time to reflect on things, and I mean really reflect, before just leaping into action. But you have to be very honest with yourself. Maybe a few skype sessions with a good counsellor would help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings a bit so you know what you want?

Best of luck.

[JudyCoolibar]

Do you really do nothing when you you get home from work apart from walking the dog? That has nothing to do with your husband, does it? What would you do with your time if your husband weren't around that you can't do now?

[EngagedAgain]

You probably wouldn't be as bored and lonely if you lived alone. There are ways round it if you really want to part from him. You haven't said what your accommodation situation is.

[Happymum12345]

You do sound up happy. Is there anyway you could try and talk to each other? Try to build on what made you fall in love in the first place. Marriages are - or can be, hard work. Mine certainly is, but I think they’re worth it.

[Isawamagpie]

let's be friends, Op
I feel you (minus the computer games)
I have dogs that keep me at home.. and a DC (Hes not the father)
Living alone would be great but not realistic
I drink to get through sometimes (tonight! And now he's downstairs and I'm in bed)
I resonate with your post so much....
Handhold. X x

[Healthyandhappy]

No kids? If no sex be a lonely life never having kids. Move out x

[imsooverthisdrama]

You don't mention that you love him so I'd say you don't , am I right ?.
Leave
Take the dog
Be happy
Good luck

[madcatladyforever]

I think gamers are just about the most boring people on earth. I have never gone out with one and I never will, stuck in front of the computer every available minute wasting their lives away in a room.
i disagree with the it's just a hobby thing it isn't it's a total waste of a life living in fantasy land while the world goes on without him outside.
I'd find a permanent job and leave, stop drinking, get out and make some friends, enjoy the outdoors now you can go out.
I didn't waste one second of my youth on computers I was out doing exciting things. There is more to life than this.

[Kraejka]

I think you don't love him any more and you don't seem to want to try to save the marriage. I think you want to leave. It all sounds very depressing.

I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.
Some posters have said you should get on and fill your time with hobbies, friends etc. while staying married to him. But I think I get where you are coming from - I was a bit like this in my last relationship. I got to the stage where I couldn't really do anything I wanted to do because I was kind of waiting around for us to do something together. It sounds silly but I couldn't plan things to do on my own because he might have wanted to do something as a couple. (My ex was out most of the time doing his hobbies).
I felt lonely. I was bored but I had had the life sucked out of me and was probably depressed as well. I couldn't just get on with whatever I wanted to do.
Now the relationship is over everything looks completely different. My life is my own and I don't have to think about whether some other person might decide to spend time with me or not so I can get on and fill my time with what I want to do. It's great.

Also, sometimes I think that people (ie. your husband) spend every free moment on gaming (or whatever activity it is) to avoid spending time with their partner because they don't really want to.

I think your marriage is over - but what do I know.....
Do you actually want to save it? If you do, talk to him and try. If you don't then time to end the marriage.