I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

[SquishyBones]

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

No, you'll be ok re the house, OP, it's a joint marital asset.

[Nicolastuffedone]

Whatever else you do today, get back into the NHS pension scheme! No ifs or buts!!! Organise it today!!

[footprintsintheslow]

God op what a life you are wasting on him. You sound fabulous, full of interests and potential and love.

Spend lockdown making plans 'getting your ducks in a row' as mumsnet mams say and get ready to live your life.

Priority I'd say is to secure a full time permanent job. Presumably you are going to work still and you can investigate this now.

[Megatron]

FFS 😢 OP your update is heartbreaking. Get the hell away from him and don't look back. You owe this man absolutely nothing.

[IveGotFrills]

This sounds absolutely miserable OP - you must get out. He's using you as a skivvy. As another poster said, I thought you were describing the lives of 20-somethings! Do you want children? You must get your pension sorted and get that house on the market. Could you get something for less nearby? Or near your aunt? X

[Butterflywings1]

Some rentals will accept dogs, so either get more bank hours or get a permanent job ( there are lots about at the moment), go back into the nhs pension and move on. Life is too short to be this unhappy.

Then get a lawyer and sort the finances which will include half the house ( which hopefully will help you get on the property ladder again). Good luck

[TwistyHair]

Oh my god get out somehow. You who you were before sounds way more fun and interesting that the new you. He’s just drained all the fun out of life. And you can get back into the pension. I’d talk to your aunt, even if you can’t live with her because of the dog, you can at least have moral support.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

The gaming isn’t the problem, it’s the selfish abusive arsehole you’re married to. There are positive things you can do, even in lockdown.

1. Start working towards financial stability. If you can, take on extra work. Spend the money on things for your new life. This includes legal advice. On divorce, your bank balance will be taken into account. If you’d pre-paid membership for things it wouldn’t. Or you could buy supermarket vouchers. Just be wary about what companies might fold.
   
2. Get back in the pension scheme. See if you can make up for lost time.
   
3. Start gathering information about his/your/joint finances.
   
4. Investigate where you might be able to live on half the capital and your income. Could you buy him out? Would you want to?
   
5. Get legal advice. Family lawyers are still working remotely.
   
6. Look for activities/hobbies you can do now, ideally connecting with others.
   
7. Cut down your drinking.

[Italia2005]

Bold: SquishyBones I’ve just read your second thread. Instead of continuing that one you should copy your post on to here and don’t worry about being accused of drip feeding. You need support, you’re desperate for an urgent solution, so include the impending change of circumstances regarding your son as that has major implications and will affect how other posters above answer you.

[dontdisturbmenow]

So you used to share an interest which got you close together but now you've both pulled apart.

You say you drink a lot at weekends because you lost motivation to do things because he is taking all the time. Maybe he'd say that he works ft, but when he is home, he's got a wife who is bored and expect to be entertained and then drinks too much so he goes on his game to forget.

Sounds like you'll both be better off without each other.

[JinglingHellsBells]

You need to leave but I also think that when you do or while you are doing this, you need counselling. Something was wrong with your judgement when you committed to this man after 4 years together (before you married) . It's 8 years now, so you need to ask why you thought it would work out; the signs must have been there long ago but maybe you refused to see them.

Re taking on the mortgage and buying him out.
Do you understand what that means

You would be liable for paying the mortgage, in order to live there alone, and he would get half of any increase in value since you'd owned it. So if it has increased by £50K since you bought it, he'd get £25K of that from you and that would be added to your loan/ mortgage.

If the house is sold, you would get half of the equity (the value excluding the mortgage - so £25K using the above figures) and then you would be responsible for getting your own mortgage to buy anywhere else.

If you have no mortgage, or very little, you would get half of the house value.

[JinglingHellsBells]

You won't get a mortgage when you have a temporary job. Providers will want to see evidence of you being able to repay the mortgage.

So going forward you will rent, save a deposit, unless the sale of your house gives you a big lump sum, and need to find a permanent job.

[Pinkpather40]

Why don't you make your own plans in the evenings and on weekends? Meet some friends, cinema, exercise classes or boot camps!? Great way to meet people and make some friends too If you don't have many! When you start feeling good about yourself things will start to change and maybe your husband will join you or maybe he won't. However I think you need to make a change first because moving to a new place will not solve all your issues! Sounds like you need to get some interests together!

[Ihaventgottimeforthis]

You and your dog will be fine OP, you will find a way out of this situation. Sounds like your husband has nothing to offer you and no interest in changing, so don't try to make him.
Time to start planning your independent future, good luck

[Lockdownsnackathon]

GetOutGetOutGetOut you cannot waste your life a moment longer with this man.

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

Having read your update OP, this sounds like a miserable way to live. There might have been something worth fighting for if you'd just managed to get into a rut and you both wanted to do something about it, but that doesn't sound like the case.

I echo what others have said - use your free time in lockdown to start planning your independent future. Get copies of finance documents. Look into sorting your pension. Think about job options. Can you socially distantly meet up with any friends? Take the opportunity to get back into exercising? Loads of options for home gym classes without equipment. Instead of drinking think about what else you can do to pass the time during lockdown while leaving him to his gaming. Have a clearout, spend time pampering, and projects, reading, learn a language. Whatever floats your boat.

You deserve better. You can do this.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Why don't you make your own plans in the evenings and on weekends? Meet some friends, cinema, exercise classes or boot camps!?

@Pinkpather40 Sorry but how is the OP supposed to do that during lockdown?

[BigSandyBalls2015]

It’s not a coincidence that you ended up with this man after being rejected by your mum. Leave and get counselling.

Oh and def move your son in, don’t put that waster ahead of him any more.

[JamieLeeCurtains]

I've read your other thread, too, and seen his shitty attitude toward your DS.

I also, like pp ^^, think you should copy and paste that over here. It's not drip feeding. It's relevant info. And I can completely understand why you're feeling stunned and betrayed.

Find a divorce solicitor - phone consultations are happening. You can set that ball rolling with your adult son around for support. And yes, move into another bedroom.

Meanwhile get your accounts on order, showing you've paid mortgage for 7 years, not 'just' 4.

Don't argue with your husband, though. It'll achieve nothing. Tell him to speak through solicitors. It's done.

[SquishyBones]

I’ve just arrived at work so can’t reply fully but someone mentioned my bank balance will be taken into consideration. I have £30 to my name as my wages are paid into his/joint account which I currently don’t have access to (I have a bank card but can’t get on online banking). Will my personal crap bank balance go against me?? God I’m in such a mess here. I’ll reply properly when I finish work

[Rightbutno]

Aww love just read your updates. Life is too short for this. He's not going to change he's actively shown you that. Start making plans you leave now.

[Waffles80]

You absolutely can’t afford to waste any more of your life with this terrible terrible man.

You’re 40 - you have SO much life to live and the chance to live alone (or with your son) and have a fulfilling life without an absolutely arsehole dragging you down.

On a practical note:

• get back into your NHS pension today.
  
• move into another room.
  
• make a plan to do something nice this weekend - I know with current restrictions that’s incredibly hard but a quiz with friends? A socially distant walk with a friend? Anything that avoids having a drink, I’d say.
  
• tell your partner your son is moving in and make arrangements for that

[Waffles80]

Just read your update.

You need to arrange with work for your wage to go into YOUR bank account. You should be able to do that today.

You don’t need to say why - say you’ve switched some accounts round and you need wage to go into a different account.

This is absolutely and utterly vital; he is financially controlling you which is abuse.

[randomer]

OP, your husband sounds unwell. Serious depression.

[Jacobieathan]

I think you should get legal advice NOW about your finances. Do it without telling him.

He sounds absolutely dreadful. You and your lovely dog deserve to be in a happy home and it will never be with him.

You can do this. Your eyes are open, your brain is working, you have a job, you have your dog, you own half the house, you will be fine. Now get some legal advice, get things in order and then tell the arsehole you are DONE.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.