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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is at a fucking bbq/party

348 replies

Namechangex10000 · 17/05/2020 21:26

I am livid. I do not consider myself to be a stickler for rules, I’m not over the top, I “allow” him to go to work even though I know he still socialising whilst at work, but I can’t do much about it.

We have a nearly 2yo ds. Last week ds was diagnosed with an ear and chest infection.

Today, he went out to get some bits for us to continued work on the house, and instead of doing that, he swanned off to a bbq (he is still there, despite arguing about it and me “telling him how it is”) all day. I just can’t beieve it. He just keeps saying “well I asked you if you wanted to come”

Is it me? Am I wrong?

Because I think he’s a fucking moron of the highest order and he simply cannot see it?

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 18/05/2020 17:17

From the GOSH website

Does COVID-19 affect children?

A: The evidence to date (24h April 2020) suggests that although children do develop COVID-19, very few children develop severe symptoms, even if they have an underlying health condition.

I’m not saying he’s not been a dick. Restrictions have been lifted, but not that much. But Covid19 is still much more dangerous to older people with an underlying health condition than to children.

Spidey66 · 18/05/2020 18:03

And to add to my message above.

I'm sorry your child is ill. I've had ear and chest infections as an adult so know how painful and uncomfortable they are so can't imagine how bad it is for a toddler. I assume, though, that your child is now on antibiotics? Therefore, if they were to catch covid19 it woul d be unlikely they would succumb to a secondary bacterial infection dud to the recent antibiotics.

Take care, and your husband's still been a knobhead!

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 19:58

I don’t really know what to say to all those posters asking why I’m with him etc etc

There are obviously many good qualities that go along with the bad, I’m not with him because I think I can’t do it without him. I love him. Rightly or wrongly. It breaks my heart every single day that he obviously doesn’t feel the same about me

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 18/05/2020 20:01

Thats because he is abusing you op.
That is what the cycle of abuse is.

Please ask your go for a referral for help.
And do the freedom programme.

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 20:09

But how will the freedom programme help when i KNOW its abusive but I still love him? I wish I didn’t.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 18/05/2020 20:17

But how will the freedom programme help when i KNOW its abusive but I still love him? I wish I didn’t.

Because the more aware of the abuse tactics / behaviours and your responses you become the more disgusted you will become by his treatment of you and the more you will want to gain back your self respect.

For those of us who have been in abusive relationships it doesn't work waiting for fall out of love with your abuser, then leaving. You have to accept that love isn't enough.

I laughed harder than with almost anyone ever with my ex, we had amazing sex and in some ways an incredible connection. He also cheated repeatedly, made me think id gone mad and eventually hit me.

Remember that your relationship is the blueprint you show your kids about what it means to be in a couple and to show love. You can teach your boy it's ok to treat women like this, that it's ok to be treated how you are right now OR that it's healthy and strong and brave to leave a shitty relationship that doesn't make you happy and focusing on parenting your child, not parenting a giant man baby.

He sounds exhausting. You clearly have a lot going for you. Don't give some of your best years to this man and DON'T show your son that this is what relationships look like. They shouldn't.

FamBae · 18/05/2020 20:29

YANBU he's an arsehole.

LilyMarshall · 18/05/2020 20:33

When yoy realise that even when he is being nice, it is actually manipulation and control, youll better be able to see that all the actions are abuse and this is not love. This is nit what love is.

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 20:46

I’m in a state tonight, I don’t expect any sympathy from anybody, it’s my fault for not walking away. I know it isn’t right, I know it’s all abusive, I know he clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, but even though I know all this, I choose to believe he does. He’s appeared tonight “after telling me to fucking shut up because that’s 2 days I’ve gone on at him ‘just because he went to his mates’l and what have I done??? Offered him a blow job, like a dirty no good waste of space, which he has ignored (rightly so) and avoided being in the same room as me. I hate myself

OP posts:
speakout · 18/05/2020 20:55

But how will the freedom programme help when i KNOW its abusive but I still love him? I wish I didn’t.

But that is what the freedom programme is all about.

I would be easy to leave an abusive man if we didn't love them.
We could just walk away.
There woud be no need for the freedom programme.

Many women love their abusers.

LilyMarshall · 18/05/2020 20:56

You need help op. This is awful for your child.

Please phone your gp and tell then youre being abused by your partner and you need help.

PunishmentSnart · 18/05/2020 21:04

@Namechangex10000 you need to get out of this relationship for the sake of your child. Is he the father?

Scooby63 · 18/05/2020 21:06

Don't hate yourself OP, you can't help the fact that you love him and would do anything to get back to being able to kid yourself that he loves you too, hence the offer of a BJ. I feel for you, I really do and for your own sake and you're children's, I hope that one day soon that love of yours turns to contempt. It will, one day you will get the ick and won't be able to bear him near you. In the meantime, do whatever it takes to get through the days for you and your children's sake and any little feeling of 'God he's so pathetic', file away in the cabinet of contempt. Don't bother trying to make him understand what he's losing, he's so selfish and self absorbed that he's literally sticking his fingers in his ears and going "la, la la ". That day will come for you and if you want, we will be here cheering you on. You've had a shit weekend and wanted to make it go away, completely understandable. Hope you're little one is getting better and don't beat yourself up x

Scooby63 · 18/05/2020 21:08

** your little one.

LAG1986 · 18/05/2020 21:40

Your child is your main priority. Please get yourself and your child help to get away from his emotional abuse. It's not fair on your child.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/05/2020 22:44

It is very common to not walk out... the boiled frog,

Posters are like the frog dropped into hot ater that will jump out. You are like the frog who does not realise the temperature has been increasing gradually.

many, many women do not leave immediately and take time to get to that point. Maybe the going to the barbecue is the thing that starts to open your eyes.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 01:22

YANBU.

Ignore the smart alecks.

If drinking is that important to him then maybe you're better off without him.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 01:30

You need to figure out why you feel that this relationship is your comfort zone.

You are treated very badly and the person you love gives you no respect and is basically not available to you because drinking and his mates are more important - is this pattern of trying really hard to get someone to love you one you saw or experienced in your childhood?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/05/2020 02:27

It's very normal to try and repair the relationship, because you can't quite believe that he actually, honestly, doesn't give a shiny shit about you.
You can't believe that you're with someone who really doesn't love you.
You're sure that can't be the case, you're sure he must love you still, somewhere deep down.

Normal reaction - but doesn't make it a correct one. He's showing you quite clearly that he doesn't care enough about you to have any concern for your wellbeing. His social life is more important than your wellbeing and your child's wellbeing.

So you do need to start realising that this man is not going to be good for your child, let alone you. And he's not going to change just because lockdown is lifting, if anything, he'll get worse.
And you need to let go of this and start working towards getting out of this relationship.

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 19/05/2020 04:48

@mathanxiety no, quite the opposite in terms of my childhood

OP posts:
didmyhousethismornin · 19/05/2020 05:16

Yanbu op

RightYesButNo · 19/05/2020 05:47

@Namechangex10000 Oh, love.

Your last messages about the blow job and being ignored completely broke my heart. Yes. The Freedom Programme will help. There are MANY women still in love with their abusers. The problem is that abuse is a cycle; of course it’s not horrible all the time. I’m sure there are good times, maybe even fun times, that he drags you back in, and this whole cycle starts again.

But even the (shitty, ignorant) users on here with their pithy, “Oh, I love a bit of a BBQ; go easy on the lad,” seem to have COMPLETELY missed that you’d stated at this BBQ, he would be completely pissed and taking drugs. That’s not a fucking BBQ most MN users are attrnding or OK with their partners attending and coming back home after, COVID or not. Especially when you have a sick child. This isn’t a life for you or your children - with an alcoholic drug-user. And you may need help to see that’s what he is because just like the abuse, that might be a cycle. Also, you could never have a rational conversation with him - he was drunk and drugged. He’d just keep repeating himself. Never bother arguing with a pissed, or even hungover, person. It’s useless.

This was an awful thread from start to finish. You came in angry, and I completely understand why because I would have been SO angry at anyone who did this, you got shredded for “word choice” by some real vipers of the worst order and I don’t mean that the friendly way we do sometimes, but every subsequent message you left just showed your partner as more and more awful and selfish, and this as so much more than COVID and a BBQ and today and tomorrow. And please look at the vote: 87% of over 1000 people think that. Comments aren’t everything.

Please. Women’s Aid. Freedom Programme. And sometimes you can’t leave the first time. The average woman tries a few times. But you CAN do this for your children, before they realize he’s pissed and wasted and how he treats you. You’re worth so, SO much more.

mathanxiety · 19/05/2020 10:10

Maybe look at what you mean by the word 'love', what layers of meaning you assign to it on your part, and whether there is a script at play in which you succeed in the end in refining a diamond in the rough.

Not quite Beauty and the Beast, but some version of you doing everything right and he eventually seeing the light.

Do you find it hard to publicly admit defeat or that something is too hard for you, or to talk of deep embarrassment (not just funny incidents) to other people?

Would you see walking away from this relationship as an admission of defeat or would you find it hard to talk to family or friends in real life about the whole thing ending?

incognitomum · 19/05/2020 10:43

Just sending you good wishes. Flowers

Try not to hate yourself. He's done a right number on you. It'll take a while to unravel how and you need to be out of it before you can truly do tbat ,

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 19/05/2020 11:40

You do not need his ‘love’.

He doesn’t deserve yours.

Love should be easy. This doesn’t sound easy.

It needs to hit home - I know that. But once you realise you deserve more and better It will be easy for you to go. Flowers