My partner is at a fucking bbq/party

[Namechangex10000]

I am livid. I do not consider myself to be a stickler for rules, I’m not over the top, I “allow” him to go to work even though I know he still socialising whilst at work, but I can’t do much about it.

We have a nearly 2yo ds. Last week ds was diagnosed with an ear and chest infection.

Today, he went out to get some bits for us to continued work on the house, and instead of doing that, he swanned off to a bbq (he is still there, despite arguing about it and me “telling him how it is”) all day. I just can’t beieve it. He just keeps saying “well I asked you if you wanted to come”

Is it me? Am I wrong?

Because I think he’s a fucking moron of the highest order and he simply cannot see it?

Blimey, though, this thread!

OP it's all been said so have some and take your time thinking about where you want to go from here.

Also, nobody else picked up on this but if your DS has a chest infection are you sure it's not The Virus? Because if it may be (and i thought we were supposed to assume it was for chest infections) your 'D'H shouldn't be going anywhere at all. Still it is what it is.

Just wanted to mention this exchange though:
The language barrier is not with the OP here that's for sure.
Wankered = drunk?
new one to me.

Actually one of the fantastic things about the English language is that you can take practically any noun, ad "ed" and make it mean "totally drunk". Chez Brefugee we like to say "he was completely cauliflowered". It makes no sense and yet everyone who has heard us say it, knows what we mean.

Didn't realise one could get ' fucking' parties, can I come?

Girl you need to GET RID!!!! your life will be so much easier without this jerk dragging you down and putting you second all the time, no more discussion or arguing about it, just start rigging yourself up to leave.

Find somewhere to live, a means of getting some money and move on with yours and your children's lives. He has zero respect for you or his responsibilities as a parent and I think your moral compasses are completely off so you'll never work and you and your kids deserve better

Honestly op i think my head would have exploded if id have to deal with that selfishness!

I just dont get peoples thinking, that lockdown applies to everyone!!

I still maintain not letting him back in when he deigns to come back.

I hope you are ok today though

I really should be getting on with my day but have sat here reading this crazy thread with increasing disbelief! It didn't start well with some punctuation and wording in the OP which riled folks and sent them off piste for a while. Then there's all the drinking at work, having babies with feckless men stuff ...so much to chew on.

I don’t give a flying fuck that he’s at a bbq

No, he shouldn't be at a BBQ ....there shouldn't be multi household gatherings like that. Your OH sound dense and selfish TBH. It's not just him and his family that could be affected by this irresponsibility but others he comes into contact with.

I've been there, it wont change. The booze and the drugs will always come first and you will slowly chip away at your expectations of respect and acceptable behaviour until you are completely broken.

I tried everything, couples counselling, threats of leaving, calm conversations, until in the end I just let him do what he wanted but by then all the love was gone.

Ending that relationship has been life changing, genuinely. Please put your own mental health first and consider your options. Xxx

Oh and let him stay away for 2 weeks. Enjoy the feeling of calm you will have without always being on edge waiting for him to not come home when he says he will. Look after your baby without worrying what he has been exposed to. And then decide if you really want to go back to that.

@dollyknocker problem is he won’t self isolate for 2 weeks. He will continue to be out and about putting everyone at home at risk.

he doesn’t get to make the decision as to wether our son gets ill or not, does he?

But why so you solely get to make that decision instead?
Are you both completely shielding. Or are you both going shopping touching anything and everything. B&Q isnt exactly hygienic in its own right..

Has he shown his face yet?

I would've pitched a tent in the garden to sleep in for a fortnight.

No, that's not quite true. I would've ditched him long ago. He has no respect for you or your child. It won't get better.

@TryingToBeBold

he doesn’t get to make the decision as to wether our son gets ill or not, does he?

But why so you solely get to make that decision instead?

Yes. In this case the person who gets to 'make the decision about if a child gets sick or not' is the person who will always categorically choose that the child does not become sick. I can't even see how that's an argument. Parents aren't Gods with equal responsibilities to choose the child's fate.

OP.

So... the OP's partner:

drinks all day at work
takes drugs
blames her for his behaviour
is a disrespectful arse
flouts lockdown even though he has a sick child
stays out all night to punish the OP for questioning his behaviour

But MNers lay into the OP, largely because of her choice of one word in her post (which she put in quotes anyway to show that wasn't quite what she meant). Fgs. I'm not usually one to moan about horrible posting on MN, but this thread is actually ridiculous.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

But Op isnt a doctor either? The child is at risk every single time parents leave the house and come back?
Baby could have already had it? Baby could be immune?
Theres so many factors. I'm assuming this DP hasn't been shittest dad of the year the whole time?

I'm not being naive but.. DP is socialising after work 4-8pm with god knows who.. catching anything. Bringing anything home..assuming he isnt disinfecting or self isolating at home every day..
But the bbq is the last straw?

@TryingToBeBold 🤦‍♀️

I don't know if OP is a doctor. Let's assume she's not. I can also assume baby hasn't been diagnosed with Covid yet as OP seems to be still worried he can get it.

During this pandemic the advice has been pretty consistent to only leave the house for essential reasons and to work. There have been no exceptions for barbecues. Nobody gets to decide that their particular barbecue is less dangerous than any other at this time. This man does not have the authority to decide that he will not pose a risk at a time like this. OP is entitled to decide that she is not happy for these risks to be taken.

He may not be worst father of the year but he will definitely get an honorable mention at the awards ceremony.

Theres so many factors. I'm assuming this DP hasn't been shittest dad of the year the whole time?*

He's been drinking all day at work and not social distancing then staying behind drinking for hours, again not social distancing - sounds pretty shit!

Flip this round OP

‘I “allow” my wife to go to work’.
“I tell my wife how it is”

Sounds horrible. You could have said

‘My husband goes out to work
I asked him to leave the BBQ.

So your choice of words is very strange to say the least, and putting them in inverted commas doesn’t change that.

This crisis has actually restored my faith in democracy. The British government is a perfect manifestation of the dickishness and idiocy of the population at large, and the same is true over in the States. People used to the blame the media, but as the traditional outlets lose their power, the People actually get more stupid!

Sorry to disappoint your self righteous post, but I too have just spent a weekend on call working

Nothing self righteous about my post at all, just sick of arrogant selfish MNs thst think the rules don't apply to them. Anyone with half a brain could understand what the OP meant and why she used the terminology and quotation marks she did, didnt need the thread to "evolve".

Jesus ! OP’s post was quite clear, I can’t see how she’s being controlling. Families should be working as a team more than ever, he clearly is not. Don’t let him back home until he gets his head out of his arse.

This isn't going to get any better. Choosing drink and drugs over your family is selfish normally and won't change.
Going to meet other people in this crisis when you are clearly worried and have discussed this with him is a complete lack of respect to you and your DS.
First time I've said it... LTB.

Yeah let's pedantically STILL argue the wording and use of inverted commas in the original post because that's what's really important here .

This is officially my first LTB.

Sadly though I don't think OP will have the strength to do it because after all this she'll be wondering if she's 'been the controlling one all along'

If it helps OP, if you are controlling, then leaving him is the best thing for HIM! So it's a win-win.

“Wow, you are choosing a bbq over your family”

You are right. He is wrong. He is turning it back on you because he won't accept responsibility for himself. It sounds to me that he is far too selfish and self absorbed for this relationship to continue. I think you need to consider your options.

I'm sorry you are going through this

You are worth more, you do deserve better. Sometimes you do not know what a dick they are until you have children... or it becomes more clear once you have children and they carry on as if they were single again.

seriously consider what you want to do.

I found that once i had adjusted to doing it all on my own, it was better than doing it all , having his mess/washing etc to deal with, and not having the resentment that he was in the home not taking responsibility for the thinking planning and letting me be the default parent.

Personally, I think he has shown you what he is like even more clearly, he does not value his child, nor your relationship, so is it worth having him around?