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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is at a fucking bbq/party

348 replies

Namechangex10000 · 17/05/2020 21:26

I am livid. I do not consider myself to be a stickler for rules, I’m not over the top, I “allow” him to go to work even though I know he still socialising whilst at work, but I can’t do much about it.

We have a nearly 2yo ds. Last week ds was diagnosed with an ear and chest infection.

Today, he went out to get some bits for us to continued work on the house, and instead of doing that, he swanned off to a bbq (he is still there, despite arguing about it and me “telling him how it is”) all day. I just can’t beieve it. He just keeps saying “well I asked you if you wanted to come”

Is it me? Am I wrong?

Because I think he’s a fucking moron of the highest order and he simply cannot see it?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 18/05/2020 10:55

I have no idea why you have had such a rough ride OP Flowers

YANBU at all. You are not the first person to marry or procreate with a man who turns out to be a grade A wankbadger. I have done it twice!! Smile

Stop thinking about him other than in terms of how you can make yourself and your child safe from him. Will he stay away? Can you lock him out? I would probably block him so you get some head space away from him chipping away at you and gaslighting you.

Do you have RL support from friends or family?

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 10:57

@TryingToBeBold I don’t get to make that decision either, are you being deliberately obtuse???? All I can do is try my best to prevent him getting, partner doesn’t get to just say he won’t and he won’t???

I never said he went to b&q, I said he went to get stuff (from his own yard, stuff we already own, if that’s ok)

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 18/05/2020 11:03

I'm not saying he's right, but I heard on the news that kids, if they do catch covid19 aren't as badly affected as adults, unless, obviously, they have diabetes, asthma, cystic fibrosis etc. So protecting your son is a bit of a moot point.

And before anyone jumps on me, I know kids have died of if in the UK, but it's rare.

Londonwriter · 18/05/2020 11:04

Okay.

YANBU - neither your partner, nor anyone else, should be attending multi-family gatherings right now. It’s how the virus is spread, it’s against the rules and, put simply, it’s very selfish. At worst, someone at the BBQ could be infected and pass the disease to an elderly relative who later dies. At best, he’s off having a party while other people on Mumsnet have obeyed the rules and not seen family members for weeks.

You were right to refuse to go along, especially since you have a child with a chest infection (!) during a pandemic of a virus that causes chest infections (!). This is... well, beyond belief.

As a separate issue, the fact he’s a Covidiot feeds into his general lack of consideration for you and your child. That’s shown in his failure to return from work to help and the fact he’s pissed off to a BBQ. The fact he’s pissed off to a BBQ, and spends evening socialising at work, during a pandemic... just makes things worse.

He’s endangering your health. He’s also endangering the health of others. YANBU and you would be perfectly justified to throw him out or, at best, expect him to self-isolate for 14 days before he returns to the house.

MuthaFunka61 · 18/05/2020 11:24

@Namechangex10000.
The situation you're describing is classic emotional and psychological abuse.

There's even an acronym for it now; DARVO.

I'm strongly suggesting that you take a look at the link and think about how you'll feel in 1,5,10 years living with this and whether you're strong enough to withstand the constant degrading of your MH.

Here's a link lovely,I hope it helps

www.thenopebook.com/lifestyle/deny-attack-reverse-vctim-offender/

TryingToBeBold · 18/05/2020 11:30

@Spidey66

400 under 45s have died.
Depending on his age and the age of the people at the bbq hes actually more likely to catch it (or already have it) and kill them should they get it.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 18/05/2020 11:34

@Namechangex10000
Read thread and didn't want to just run. A lot of wankers on this thread so ignore them and look at the votes 88% agree with you. I agree with MuthaFunka61 and their post. I do suggest also taking advantage of him being absent and changing the locks.
You haven't said much about the home set up . I am guessing it's you and the kids and no one else? You really do need to LTB and I think you probably know this. It is classic gas lighting and abuse that is going on .

Please take care.

shirleybanister · 18/05/2020 11:47

YANBU! Nobody should be treated the way you and DS are.

Anyone on here who thinks otherwise has very low standards and probably "allow" their partners to walk all over them. They are also living in the dark ages.
You are not controlling. You are a sensible, caring mum.
I think you know really what you should do - tell him to leave.

bluebeck · 18/05/2020 12:18

@Spidey66

Did you miss We have a nearly 2yo ds. Last week ds was diagnosed with an ear and chest infection. ???

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/05/2020 12:22

OP you sound intelligent and articulate, your immature and self-centred partner does not. You really deserve better than this, and so does your little DS. How can you come back from behaviour like this? Truly, you would be better off managing on your own than carrying the burden of this idiot.

Also please ignore the minority who like to leap in gleefully to bash someone on the most spurious grounds. They are not representative of the majority, there's always some and they never come back to reassess because they're busy slating someone else on another thread. Please don't doubt yourself, your post was easy to comprehend, it really was.

DdraigGoch · 18/05/2020 12:30

But Op isnt a doctor either?
@TryingToBeBold
No, so that is why she listens to advice from those who are suitably qualified. They say that you should stay at home if you have no good reason for being out.

Lovely1a2b3c · 18/05/2020 12:49

Obviously you are not at all unreasonable.

This sounds like a complete nightmare for you.

I do not understand why people are zoning in on 'allow', rather than on your DP's dreadful behaviour!

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 12:57

Me neither lovely....I think it was perfectly clear that I simply meant, guidelines would suggest that due to someone in the household having a chest infection nobody should be going out for any reason, not even work, but I’m not over the top and think if you’re going to go to work and follow the rules then fine....but what is happening is not fine. That’s what I’m “allowing”

I am not a doctor, like a previous poster has stated - for that reason, I am following the guidelines by those qualified. Nobody gets to decide who gets ill, but for me, going to a bbq isn’t worth taking that risk, however small.

OP posts:
Laaf80 · 18/05/2020 13:04

I’m what some MN posters would describe as a ‘cool wife’, even though I go out out more than my DH.

However, I can categorically say you are not being unreasonable at all, I’d be fucking livid.

I’d be pissed that DH wasn’t concerned enough to come home to a sick child anyway, but a BBQ? Right now? I would have lost my shit, the selfish foolish bastard.

Re alcohol - he sounds like a functioning alcoholic.

Herpesfreesince03 · 18/05/2020 13:21

Is he back home op?

Original poster
Namechangex10000 · 18/05/2020 13:24

No. He still thinks “I’ve caused all this shit” because he still can’t understand the problem isn’t him going without me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I despair!!!

OP posts:
Summerdays250 · 18/05/2020 13:27

Give him some time to think about what he’s done, they normally figure it out. This time has got to be last time he takes the piss.
Don’t speak to him for a bit and focus on yourself

RuggerHug · 18/05/2020 13:40

He's definitely the dick OP. I think this is my first LTB. It's not worth him coming home while your DS is sick.

Ginfordinner · 18/05/2020 13:41

No, HE has caused all this shit. He thinks that everything has to revolve around him. It sounds like you would be much better of without him in your life.

averythinline · 18/05/2020 13:57

Don't let him back then and block him he can't give the grief ... I think your main problem is your low standards in a partner...

He has shown how little he cares for you or DS ... on really really important things... why do you think he's going to change?

Think about why you would let him back in that overrides his lack of giving a shit... yes I'd be angry but he's obviously a man child and I have no time for that crap ...

Time to move on for you I think as you have grown up and are being a parent to your DS ...

LilyMarshall · 18/05/2020 14:13

He still thinks “I’ve caused all this shit” because he still can’t understand the problem isn’t him going without me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I despair!!!

He doesnt want to see the issue. Because he doesn't want to change his behaviour.

Op, what do you want from him? Because he is a selfish man-child who abdicates all responsibility for his family when he wants to get drunk and do drugs.

The question should now be WHY do you want a relationship with him? It certainly isnt in your or your child’s best interest.

Davespecifico · 18/05/2020 14:16

He sounds horrible. Do you even like him? You don’t have to stay with him.

backseatcookers · 18/05/2020 16:20

He still thinks “I’ve caused all this shit” because he still can’t understand the problem isn’t him going without me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I despair!!!

He does understand that. He absolutely does. Ffs you know that right?

He's saying he doesn't understand it so that he doesn't have to discuss the actual issue or, god forbid, compromise with you or change his behaviour.

He DOES understand the issue. He just wants you to shut up about it.

He's a nob OP.

This is tough love because you're clearly an intelligent and capable woman, yet you are with a man who:

Doesn't respect you

Cannot have an adult conversation with you

Doesn't prioritise his child

Drinks all day while working

Takes drugs regularly

You seem so passive about the fact he drinks all day at work as if that's acceptable or normal... it's a pretty easy way to lose your job if your boss isn't one of ' the gang' and finds out, or a pretty easy way to lose your job if your boss IS like that so runs his business poorly and it goes under.

And the drugs, you seem passive about that too?

VenusTiger · 18/05/2020 16:30

@Namechangex10000 and to some other pps - it's flout not flaunt (to flaunt is to show off).

Anyway, OP, you're trying to change your partner during a pandemic. He's always been the same - would rather stay at work for four hours (!!!!) longer than come home and see you and your son - that's a massive issue imo. So, this other thing, the BBQ is just another problem added on and it's, quite rightly, pissing you off. You can't change him - he's a builder who likes to let his hair down daily with the lads - he might grow out of it, he might not. Deal with the issue, forget the BBQ thing for now - decide if this is what you want going forward.

VenusTiger · 18/05/2020 16:32

Oh and it sounds to me like he's willing you on to suggest he isolates away from you both for 2 weeks - he'd probably bloody love that! He's a selfish, childish idiot!