Is this what life really is?

[Pers]

I'm sitting here wondering how many people are genuinely happy, living in suburbia with 2.5 kids, compulsory retirement age, doing a job that you have to commit to until you get your kids through university.

So the question is:
Is that generally what people are happy with, or are we doing what is expected of us

Well that's not me. I live in a city centre, no kids, work part time so I can do my hobbies and travel. I feel pretty happy with my life.

@Lockdownlife I have relatives, an aunt and cousins but I don't see them and would walk past 3 out of the 4 in the street without knowing. No bad feeling, just hugely different lives. I have a sibling but we're not physically or emotionally close. I do have my parents still though. I am acutely aware of the very real possibility that I'll feel completely rudderless when I lose them.

I'm content with my choices, but aware of the need to build a solid circle as I get older. And one issue for that is that I need the circle to be geographically close. I have plenty of good friends who live a bloody long way away.

@overnightangel I can see why you’d think it was depressing, that’s why I said I could see myself getting flamed for it. But like a PP said I just prefer so so much to live in the moment than question why I am here and what I am doing. I love my family so much and I have hobbies and friends that make me happy. Would I change things? Maybe but they are things I realistically couldn’t, so I am much happier just getting on with it

I know a blogger and speaker who talks about exactly this. Her name’s Jen Mansfield, she’s on Facebook and Linkedin, you might like to read her stuff OP x

I feel very privileged to have the option to live a conventional life- great career, financially secure, a family, lovely home in a beautiful city , lovely dh and dog :-)

I live for family time, holidays with extended family and friends, socialising, theatre, concerts etc. The choices I've made and had the opportunity (through bloody hard work) means that I have choices. I'm also a risk taker and things have paid off.

I'm still young (mid 30's) so as my dc8 gets older and I have less responsibilities I might do things different- work less, travel even more, volunteer etc. Life is what you make of it.

Live your life how you want to live it.

I'm a divorced mother, very much staying single by choice. I have one child, we live quite a fast paced life (when we're not in lockdown!) I prefer to spend money on travel, hobbies, going out and enjoying our lives than having assets. I've just bought a small 2 bedroom semi and I will probably stay in it forever, I have no desire for a big house.

Different things make different people happy.

Well, it would bore me to death, and I don’t know how it makes anyone happy, but it’s not compulsory, surely? From your update, you don’t have children, are not living in suburbia trapped in a job to pay for your on-children’s university fees, so I have no idea why you seem to feel you are obliged to aspire to this kind of life.

If it doesn’t appeal, do something else. I have a child, have just changed career at 47, and I still move countries when I fancy a change.

I have the marriage, the two children, the house in suburbia, the ok job and I'm happy... I truly am. What helps is that I try as hard as I can to not sweat the small stuff and appreciate the little things. Sitting in the garden with a cup of tea, the children piling into bed with DH and I for a cuddle, dancing round the kitchen to the radio, going for a picnic in the countryside. All of these tiny things are wonderful and I'm lucky to have them. Happiness is a state of mind, I choose to be happy.

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OP, do you actually have a choice of 2.5 kids in suburbia? Or are you wrestling with missing the boat?

@blueshoes I suppose I'd have the option, if that's what I wanted... I could also spend my life travelling and working, this feels somehow rootless and transient also though. Just not sure what is best. Whether social pressure is more the reason to 'settle' than anything else. Curious to know how people add happiness to their lives doing the normal, I guess.

Oakmaiden i emigrated to live overseas over a decade ago. it was terrifying at the time as i was leaving behind my friends, family, job and everything i'd ever known. but i wanted a new experience and an adventure.

I've built a new life in a multicultural place that allowed for a lot of travel (maybe not so much in the future though!) it has opened my eyes to so many nationalities, cultures and religions and it has changed my entire outlook.

I understand that emigrating isn't for everyone - and what has also helped me to live a life with meaning is that i also became more interested in the spiritual side of life. i do a lot of work in our community and feel connected to others on a deep level.

I have a high pressured job that is extremely busy but i counteract that with mindfulness, meditation, acts of service, and i also have creative projects on the side which allow me to feel my life has a lot more meaning than just the typical rise and grind. one of which is a podcast where i interview interesting people about how they find meaning in their busy lives.

I hugely prioritise experiences and connections over things, as others here have mentioned.

OP, it's great that you are questioning the standard expectations of life. this is the first step on a path of greater understanding and awareness. I really recommend reading some Wayne Dyer if you want to explore this more.

I've gone a bit woo now, i'll stop!

Ivycrescent thanks for sharing jen, i'll have a look. always curious and wanting to learn more on this subject!

I don’t think people are actually expected to do that. I’ve certainly never felt the pressure to do any of that.

I have a range of friends doing a variety of things and you just do what makes you happy.

Personally have lived in cities etc and enjoyed being child free to when I was 32. I have enjoyed having a child and now live in a fab house in a housing estate in a village, it is a nice place to live. When I go out out in cities I get a hotel or stay at a friend's house and let my hair down. I am no less happy than friends who are living the child free life. I am not personally a massive traveller any way so if not child and husband I would probably just be living in a city and working as opposed to a village and working. Health wise I think I am better off here as I think my particular body would react badly to the the pull of the night life and eating out.

It's all about perception isn't it and maybe your personal battles and how appreciative you are.
I've had a very turbulent childhood with lots of financial insecurity, as an adult have been extremely ill and nearly died and was very close to losing one of my children.
I'm currently in a very calm period of my life with financial security. Yes I'm in suburbia in a job I usually like, sometimes don't and a marriage that is isn't perfect and needs some work but we get along ok. I do appreciate it and feel lucky because I know things can change in a blink of an eye. My family are all healthy and we are able to make choices about how we live. To me that is priceless.

I'm genuinely happy with my fairly dull life (only 1 child though). But I did get into it late - married at 39 (just) and child at 41 (just). Up until then I done a lot with my life - traveled the world, lived on my own, bought my own property, had a great disposable income, loads of friends, busy social life, so I think I was ready for a quieter life.

This pretty much reflects what I think and have done as well. I don't want a load of adventure at the moment. I was desperate for it when younger and found quite a lot of it. I just don't yearn for it any more. I did quite a bit of travelling before I got married, (though probably not as much as some people) and I loved it but if I dies tomorrow I really wouldn't be grieving the the places I haven't yet visited. I'd be grieving for the time I didn't get to spend with people I love.

Well of course what I really want is to win the lottery, go and live in a remote coastal cliff top home somewhere wild and snowy and devote my life to doing all my hobbies and creating a chelsea flower show worthy garden paradise.
But I think it's unlikely that will ever happen so I'll just trudge on with working until I'm 67. I might still buy a cottage in Snowdonia or somewhere like that and be a hermit.
I have to count my blessings though I have a good job, my own home, a small garden I'm sorting out in a lovely quiet and scenic part of the country.

I would also add that people sometime underestimate the effect of their 'family or ancestral history' on their ideas of a 'good life'

I knew for instance, despite my desire for travel and adventure, that I would probably never emigrate. Not because I love my country any more than anyone else but because my parents emigrated and though I was born here, I know the sadness (and some trauma) that my dad carried all of his life about being away from his emotional 'home' . He loved and respected his now country but he never lost that yearning for his old one and for me I just didn't want that. I wanted to be 'rooted' somewhere for better or worse. Maybe that was not a good choice but it was my choice and I don't regret it.

I think poster up thread who said we sacrifice adventure for security is right
We fall into typical 9-5 lifestyle which could pay for holidays, experiences but doesn’t allow the time, children are another choice we make that limits freedoms
I wouldn’t be without them but I wish it was easier to be “me” sometimes
I want to travel more but jobs and term times putting a block on that I think That would make me less restless

I’m happy with it. Very happy.
Never thought I would be but I did loads, travelled the world and had some serious fun before deciding that actually I wanted a baby! Now I do loads, travel and have fun with my family. Pandemic aside life is good and I’m happy. Yes I have to work and pay the mortgage but I like my job, it pays enough for me to do things I enjoy and not worry too much about money, i live in a small house to keep my mortgage low.

I didn’t have children out of expectation. I never wanted them until one day I did. I never do anything out of expectation. Work is a necessity for most people.

It’s such a first world problem to have an existential crisis about having a family and a job.

"Doing the normal" is a big place, OP.

Even people who live in suburbs with children have unusual hobbies or projects or careers that add interest to their lives.

You can enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea or you can do something really unusual. You can travel the Trans-Siberian Railway with children or you can dive with seals though living in the suburbs. Living childless in a city is no guarantee that your life will be interesting.

Your life will be what you make of it.

corythatwas

*Even people who live in suburbs with children have unusual hobbies or projects or careers that add interest to their lives.

You can enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea or you can do something really unusual. You can travel the Trans-Siberian Railway with children or you can dive with seals though living in the suburbs. Living childless in a city is no guarantee that your life will be interesting.

Your life will be what you make of it.*

what a beautiful way of putting it. this is a great thread.

Let's face it, this lockdown has sucked all joy and spontaneity out of life. It's miserable right now for nearly everyone. Don't get philosophical about it, there lies the road to despair!

I think for some people they are happy just to bobble along and see where life takes them.
Others will have a vague life plan - uni, bit of travel , get a job , get married, settle down , have kids etc.
Others will be driven to succeed in their chosen career , and will not be happy until they are at the very top of it, or a millionaire by a certain age.
We are all different in many different ways , none are better than the other , it's just what's right for us.
Of course there are the unlucky ones that make wrong decisions for themselves and go down the self destruct path.