Is this what life really is?

[Pers]

I'm sitting here wondering how many people are genuinely happy, living in suburbia with 2.5 kids, compulsory retirement age, doing a job that you have to commit to until you get your kids through university.

So the question is:
Is that generally what people are happy with, or are we doing what is expected of us

Sorry to be late replying, I want to address more of what everyone is saying, such interesting diverse opinions on this!

The 2.5 kids I mean in the statistical average kind of way, not a literal half child kind of way...

I don't have children myself and I'm early 30s, and I'm currently wrestling with how to live my life.

Then do what makes you happy, seriously.
What is your ideal life, maybe play it backwards.
If you live to a grand old age do you for e.g want to be surrounded by grandchildren, what sort of house are you living in and where is it?
I've done this throughout my life, every now and then take stock and see if I/we want to do anything differently.
It stops the boredom of living the same life all your life.
Our latest is selling up and moving to Wales asap. Just fancy it, why not?
I would also add get yourself in a position where you aren't tied to a particular job, in a certain area. Is there anything you could do self employed that would allow you to move around.

You do you, boo

All those that say that life married in suburbia with 2.5 kids has less meaning and validity and is less exciting - I'm married to someone I love, my 2 kids are amazing and have got through their massive struggles with ASD with flying colours (and will go to university - if they want - if it kills me).

My job is interesting, decently paid, and I'm good at it - and I also get to go out to do something useful to society right now and get clapped for it weekly.

My home is small-ish but full of plants and colourful and I look around and it makes me feel happy. I come back from work and people are happy to see me, and I'm happy to see them.

I've got good friends and extended family who I very much like and can count on, and I think they like and can count on me.

I'm not always happy, and sometimes have down days, but I am often and regularly. I find these things important. I know people who have exciting lives traveling the world and who have more money and a family who are more 'normal' and - good for them - if they can find happiness in things like that, that's great, but it's not for me.

I do think that each person needs to choose something that makes them happy though, and not denigrate those that do something different. Does that make sense?

I just try to never think about stuff like this because to be fair I don’t think it does too much good.

Wow that’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever read 😟

@Lockdownlife I'm happily childfree and in a very long term relationship with no plans to get married. My school and uni friends have almost without fail chosen a different path and there were (and are) times when it's tough. I think as with any time of great change and stress, they gravitated towards people who could understand when they had kids, and that wasn't me. It wasn't deliberate and it didn't mean they loved me less, but I became, I guess, less relevant. Things are starting to shift back as the kids get older but their lives have changed, no denying it.

However, I've found lots of new friends, including some who were already parents. I understand your concerns and my choices are still seen as unusual, still the subject of much questioning by people and I still sometimes wonder how it'll play out as we get older but we'll just have to wait and see. If you want to PM me on the off chance you're anywhere near me geographically, feel free.

Im happy with it, don’t get me wrong, I would fully embrace a mega euromillions win but I’m sat in the garden, g&t in hand, had a big walk earlier with magnificent scenery, working from home tomorrow, in a Really challenging but well paid interesting job (IT) knowing that I’m working for another 20 odd years, homeschooling my DD, who is healthy and happy. Roast in the oven.

My concern is family deaths, I’m thinking that this is the good times, even the hard work, juggling being a working parent etc, it’s going to get tougher.

Like @YgritteSnow I save everything for holidays and experiences. I’m a teacher, so they have to be in holidays which means more saving, and also a single parent (DD is an adult now). It means I have very few ‘things’ clothes older than some MNers, furniture an odd mix, much of it very old but not in a ‘valuable antique’ sort of way. Not even shabby chic - just a bit shabby. But DD and I have been to some amazing places and seen some fantastic theatre and music events.
I was living very rurally, decided I didn’t like it (I’m 55) so moved to an urban area. If you don’t liKe it, OP, try to change it (I know it isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it)Who cares what’s ‘expected’ of you? (Expected by whom, exactly?)

I am a Christian, so my focus is different. It doesn't matter what boxes I tick in life; it doesn't actually matter whether I am 'happy' or not! That's not important for me.

@Magic2020 yes, it makes sense. It's no one else's business what gives each of us pleasure and joy and satisfaction and it does none of us any good to compare.

To me, a family, nice house and job feel like a huge privilege - especially at the moment. I do have moments in the office at times where it feels mad to be sat in a dull office tapping away on a keyboard all day and doing a long commute, but when I take a step back I appreciate having a reasonably paid job in a safe environment for a meaningful organisation. Before covid, DH and I had lovely holidays, I study a passion subject in my spare time, enjoy simple things like coming home from work and cooking in my nice kitchen with my favourite radio host on in the background... mundane pleasures maybe... after a period of serious family illness and uncertainty, routine can feel like a blessing. Teenage me was a naive 'money doesn't matter, I'm going to follow my passions but not actually work that hard...' type

The pp who quoted Thoreau is telling - I idolised him as a teen because of him writing about how meaningless everyday life was and he went off to live in the woods and be part of nature.... whilst actually just moving down the road and having his mum do his washing

Happiness = contentment
Whatever your life is like, if you are content with your lot then you are happy. Discontent is what makes you unhappy. It doesn’t matter what other people think of how you live, nor your opinion of their life. We are all different and what works for some people doesn’t for others. Money is just one factor but there are many others. It took me many years to stop “chasing” happiness and live in the moment. Once I did that I was content, and happy.

I love my life.
I love my husband and child
I love where I live - great community and friends.
I love my job

My previous marriage and life was very different which is why I appreciate what I have now so much

I dunno if I live in the suburbs... I live on an estate?!

I'm curious - those who are living lives full of adventure, and excitement - what are you doing? What does your life look like?

I'm not being critical, I realise happiness and adventure will be different to everyone, I'm just wondering!

That's not for me so I live in a city, have my own business and am single and childfree by choice. I eat out a lot and enjoy holidays, give and the theatre. No judgement but this works for me.

NotSoGoodFaith

My happiness and adventure come from travelling, mainly the UK, but many parts of Europe too.
I don't like bricks n mortar, but I'm stuck here atm, as the alternative was to move onto a camp site and I didn't fancy that.
We move when we want to, sometimes we've blindfolded each other and stuck pins in maps to decide where to move to.
It's adventurous to us as we don't like feeling trapped in one place, or in a particular job, although we mainly work in music and entertainment.
We have 3 kids, 2 have left home now in their mid/late 20's, we travelled throughout their childhood too, quite often Home educating.
We have little money, but our lives aren't governed by it, as in not having to earn x amount for a particular lifestyle.
We find the alternative to be boring and it isn't what we wanted. It's each to their own though, and would be a very boring world if we all did the same and wanted the same.

I get what you mean. In the past 3 years I've went from a carefree traveller to a homeowner, life partner and mother. It's amazing, I love my DP and my DD is an angel but I do feel a bit like that's my whole life now mapped out now and it makes me a little bit anxious! I've friends my age still travelling, partying and even studying with no responsibilities and lots of possiblities in life. I'm 29 so not that young lol

... but you can probably (baring yours or your children's health which impacts your ability to work and earn money) have so many different lives in this country at this time (even with everything else going on...). A PP pointed out that you chose to have your children so that is your only real responsibility... other than to yourself.

I wonder where and when you made the choices that have defined your current life... because there is almost always a choice even if you can't see it straight away.

I grew up with parents who were incredibly brave and changed their life a few times and I never felt that it was not to mine and my siblings benefit. It has left me with great resilience amongst other things and I have changed my own life a few times (very recently a huge move, completely new life, (better) schools etc.).

Can you work our what you actually want and move towards it? What's holding you back?

Think what an amazing gift this is to your children when you model it for them.

You make your own enjoyment.

Agree 100%. You have to take responsibility for yourself, whether things are good or bad. On the worst day, there is always something to be grateful for, infinitesimal though it may be.

I have got/achieved much of what I wanted in life ... all of it through circuitous, unexpected and usually painful routes. Life is unpredictable.

Be the star of your own life!

Not only the support to others ….
and not (I am looking at you social media) the star of other peoples lives!

Well it depends who you settle down with. Are you on the same page when it comes to where to live, work and having kids? Do you want them and do you want them with him? I have the exact life you described and I'm very happy. But then me and DH have both always been open to change and new beginnings. We have recently moved countries with the kids to live the life we always dreamed of. There's no need to give up on your dreams and wait for retirement

It's mostly auto pilot - we do what is expected in our culture. Other countries are different.

I get through by trying not to think too much about life in general and just hold on to little bits of happiness when I can. e.g. the happiness if you get to leave work early, when you can go for coffee with your friends, when you see something funny happen etc.

That's how cultures/societies work. We dont know what we want so we don what we think we have to.

@tentative3 thank you for your reassuring comments 😊

I should also add that I don't have grandparents or aunts/uncles. I have one parent left and I think I'd maybe feel differently if I had a bigger family and siblings my age going through similar stages at the same time. I wouldn't have any support network either which I suppose is a practical reason always at the back of my mind.

I'm actively making a bigger effort now to expand my social circle so I don't become lonely as I get older.

Sounds like the ideal time to think over what you want out of life, OP, what seems to you like a life well lived.

In my experience, the people who are happiest about their lives and seem to get most out of them are the people who have thought
through their decisions and then own them. Who are aware that if you take a chance, things may go wrong, but that was part of the deal. Who don't blame others for their own decisions.

It may seem to you that society "expects" you to settle down in the suburbs with 2 kids, but quite frankly most likely society doesn't care much about what you, as an individual, choose. Quite likely even your nearest and dearest don't actually care that much about your decisions, so don't hang the blame on them.

Reminded of a relative of mine who blame a misguided life
decision on his parents "expecting it". As a matter of fact a) his parents had never said so b) I'm not sure they even did c) they certainly didn't want him to do anything stupid d) it didn't matter what they expected because he was an adult and adults have to take responsibility for their own decisions.

Don't be him, OP. Be You. Fulfil any duties you have, but be you.