Is this what life really is?

[Pers]

I'm sitting here wondering how many people are genuinely happy, living in suburbia with 2.5 kids, compulsory retirement age, doing a job that you have to commit to until you get your kids through university.

So the question is:
Is that generally what people are happy with, or are we doing what is expected of us

[burntpinky]

We really want to move to France and live mortgage free and run gites for income but we’re too scared.

The thought of isolation, not being great at the language (I can get by but DH can’t), fact we have secure jobs here with good pay and pensions and more importantly friends! makes us scared to do it.

But we both hate the daily grind and I’ve got at least another 18 years to work (I’m almost 42 and pregnant with second child) - fills me with dread

[Yerroblemom1923]

We have 1 child because we only wanted one, I'm self employed in a job I enjoy and can take on as much or as little work as I need to. We live in the countryside and live a simple life within our means. We hope our dd will go to university, but apart from that our plans for the future are pretty vague. I don't want to sound like a cheesy self-help book but it's important to enjoy the here and now, don't dwell on the past, learn from it and don't dread the future because you don't know what will happen.

[Aroundtheroaringcandle]

The way you’ve written it sounds dismissive and like obviously no one could be happy with that. But what is wrong with being satisfied with a happy marriage, a secure job, lovely kids and a pleasant house? The ‘daily grind’ doesn’t have to be as grinding as you make out (outside of lockdown anyway!)

[Yerroblemom1923]

Also I think the current situation is giving us a lot more time to think, reflect and reevaluate our lives. As to describe your work as a "daily grind" suggests you're not enjoying it. We've all had rubbish jobs at some point or another but there's two things you can do - either change jobs or change the way you feel about it. I worked in a restaurant once and hated it, but I had to do it as we were skint and the mortgage needed paying. I decided I'd do it for a week and then see how I felt, then 2 weeks, then a month, then 6 months....I stayed for a year and a half as there were elements I really did enjoy. A new manager came in and made the job unbearable so I left and took on more work at my other job. Life has its ups and downs, nothing bad lasts forever.

[Isawamagpie]

I would love out.
Unfortunately co-parenting with ex H (Dc 6) and a dependent disabled parent means I am stuck exactly where I am. I hate it and living like this for the next 10 - 20 years fills me with dread.
In my 20s I felt the pressure and did the whole - married, house, child thing. I wish i hadn't.
I don't feel I am in anyway, living.
Just getting through day by day.
Obviously I dont want anything to happen to my lovley parent- I adore her- but I have been signed up to be an adult carer for her. I dont resent her in anyway, but I do resent having to live a life I wouldnt choose for myself now.

[MiniTheMinx]

I think we are encouraged to aspire to just that. We are educated to that end. We are exploited by waged labour and the class relations under capitalism, and for the most part ignorant. You may struggle, you might work 70hrs or claim UC to support your non job on zero hrs, but you keep at it because there doesn't appear to be any viable alternative. If someone offers any alternative vision, they are nuts, idealistic, a dreamer or a dangerous ideologue or rabid radical.

There seems to be no outside space in which to develop different social relations or systems, and no space within the hegemonic system to create disruptive alternatives. And anyone person, group or community that tries is seen as dangerously subversive.

The conditions of our lives only appear to be natural until you realise that ideology and the obscuring of truths isn't just a matter of sensationalist news stories, but that the system itself produces desires and needs that keep us all ignorant and docile.

[dayslikethese1]

Work is pretty much unavoidable for most ppl unless you win the lottery OP. even if you went and lived on a commune or something youd still have to work growing food or whatever. Every type of life has its pros and cons. It's not obligatory to have kids or live in the suburbs I guess I live in a suburb, it was cheaper than living in the city centre (plus less drunk students making noise outside my door!) I dont wish to have kids or get married so I haven't done those things. I'm hoping that the money I'll save not having kids and living fairly non extravagantly will mean when I'm older I can work less. I feel v lucky to have a house and a job, esp right now.

[bibliomania]

For me, it's a struggle between roots and wings. When I was younger, it was all about wings - lots of traveling, badly paid work I cared passionately about. Now at 46 and a lp to dd12, I'm focusing on stability for her till she finishes school, though yup, I do get a bit bored with my routine job. I love slipping off for a weekend away when she's with her dad, though, pre-corona and hopefully post.

I know life has stages where you can focus on one or the other. The problem is the yearning for both simultaneously - I can relish exploring a foreign city on my own, but then evening falls and through the windows I see families talking and eating together and I want a home. To everything a season, I suppose, and maybe the yearning makes it all the sweeter.

[userabcname]

Actually I think statistically it's more like 1.7 kids now! I think we are lucky to live in a time where you don't have to live like that if we don't want to. I'm in my 30s. I have friends living the life you describe (including me); I have friends travelling (pre-lockdown) and working in different countries then changing when they get bored; I have friends living the 'single' life of dating, partying and holidaying; I have friends child-free by choice and friends who are anti-marriage and friends who want a big wedding and 10 children! I'd say we are all happy. For me, my family makes me happy. I have two children and they are wonderful. I love the life DH and I have together. I wouldn't want to swap with my single, partying friends and I'm sure they wouldn't want to swap with me. Of course, social conditioning does exist but I don't feel I was "expected" to live this life. In fact, having been brought up by a single mum with no siblings (until she re-married and had my brother when I was a teen) who emigrated and moved around a lot, I'm living a pretty different life to the one I experienced as a child. I don't think any of us are doing it wrong or should be living a certain way. Live the life you want and be happy you live in a time and place where that's possible!

[ScrapThatThen]

It's safe and secure if you have routine and do the right thing. You have moments of mind numbing boredom or existential stress, but overall it can be satisfying and yes blissful.

Whereas traveling the world, taking unusual or risky jobs, having something other than a monogamous relationship, tends to accrue financial instability, anxieties, regrets, tricky relationships and unsettled or struggling kids.

[Kirschcherry]

You can do it your own way. I am married and have two dc, I’m a sahm and DH works very hard and earns a decent wage. However, we have never tried to conform, we have a camper and travel a lot. We avoided the large house in suburbia and went for the rundown cottage with land a bit further out which has been a labour of love to do up and extend. We want fun and culture in our lives so we try hard to find it. Yes there is plenty of normal and boring bits too but we choose to try and find the adventure and show our dc how much world there is beyond their doorstep. (Yes we are extremely fortunate and we never take it for granted).

[HangryChip]

I get what you are saying OP, and I have precisely the life you describe. It's not because it is expected - I do it because I love my family and I chose it. Having a family to me is more important than partying, travelling... done that in my 20s, it was fun but I cant imagine wanting to do that now. Cant be young forever.

For me and probably some, it is mostly an economic decision. I ended up in suburbia because we can't afford the city or countryside (if you must work in the city). I am not swimming with seals because I can't afford such holidays with children now, so yes, there are sacrifices. I'm not living on a beach and bringing up hippies. I am not moving cities whenever because i want them ti have stability. I put up with a job that accommodates my hours, because it does cost to have a family, eat out, holiday abroad etc.

This is everything I wanted growing up and I'm glad to be able to provide my children that.

I think you make your choices.. you could pursue your career/business/passion. Whatever you choose, I hope you find love and contentment

[1300cakes]

I think a lot of people enjoy the "boring" life OP described, but don't want to admit it and be seen as boring. So they go ahead and buy the house, have the kids, then complain "oh my life is soooo stifling, it wasn't my choice though, I was tricked by society - poor me!". They say they wish they had done things differently but secretly, perhaps even subconsciously, they would bloody hate living on a house boat or going to night clubs every night or climbing Mt Everest.

As an example, even OP is complaining about being tricked in to doing those things by society when they haven't even done those things yet!

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

TBH I have that boring life and to me it's amazing, I'm utterly grateful for all of it. I feel rich, lucky and am very aware of my privilege.

The happiness, though, has been something I have to work at, and not so much to do with all those 'boring' accoutrements - I got happy before I got the life, if that makes sense. It's probably not quite as neat as that sounds - living is a messy process and doesn't always follow a neat narrative arc. Still, I'm a lot happier now, despite this boring suburban life, than I was aged twenty odd out living it up with my (fairly small time) version of the rock star lifestyle.

I think that's been a long process of growing up, healing and acceptance and learning, tbh.

Mid to late twenties is when I really did a lot of examining of my goals and what I wanted from life. A bit surprising to find out how apparently small my ambitions were. A blessing, really. Happiness can be an ambition, too.

[corythatwas]

I suspect 1300cakes has a point.

Much easier to complain about the expectations of society than actually make the effort to become a world authority on rhinoceroses or set up your own theatre company or walk the length of India. But really, society has accommodated outliers before, they could almost certainly cope with you, if you decided the risk and effort was worth it. Society wouldn't miss you, or any of us.

There are also all the people who do live fairly quiet lives but do things that are exciting (at least to them) in their spare time. I know people, ordinary people with ordinary jobs, who:

go on archaeological digs or restore old castles (one at least took his daughter as soon as she got old enough)

travel the length of Europe by train

breed fish that are threatened in the wild and travel abroad to investigate habitats

write music

sing amazing choral music

read old manuscripts in foreign languages

restore old houses

restore old boats using traditional methods

[DaphneduWarrior]

I was brought up with the expectation that you study hard at school, you study hard and enjoy yourself at university, don't take a gap year either end, then you knuckle down and work with zero enjoyment until you retire.

Me too.

I spent 15 years in one career, sold everything to retrain and now do something I love and am passionate about. I don’t have savings, a pension or a mortgage: I expect to work until I drop. (I do have insurance so if I get sick, I’ll have an income)

I feel very lucky that I didn’t have kids and didn’t get married. I have sex now and then when I feel like it, but most of my life is spent doing something I love or spending time with friends. I hope that in the future there won’t be the same kind of pressure to live a life that other people expect.

[Devlesko]

I was brought up with the expectation that you study hard at school, you study hard and enjoy yourself at university, don't take a gap year either end, then you knuckle down and work with zero enjoyment until you retire.

There lies the problem and the worst way to raise your kids.
You don't need to do any of those things and still lead a good and happy life.

[maddening]

And actually the inference that having kids and getting a home together is some awful sell out life and that you could not possibly do that because you are oh so very unique,. Sheshul, flamboyant and extremely interesting is a fucking pile of shite.

If you were that interesting flamboyant person you would not need to tear down other people's life choices to highlight how unique and interesting you are. It may be that you've watched too many films and vlogs and read to many blogs where some arse hole is desperately trying to make themselves sound more interesting in order to make money from shampoo adverts that you are in danger of disappearing in to your own naval.

Just do what you want within the limits of of own finances, talents and skill as they are the things that will get you what you want in the world as it is, whether that is a 4 bed detached on the edge of a nice town/village, some penthouse in an exciting city or a cool exotic villa etc etc.
However it takes a lot of energy to live the always moving, Exciting life and probably a good reason that lots of people do end up finding an easy to live in home funded by a solid job.

[FelicisNox]

I'm sure some people do it because it's expected: some do it because it's their dream, some fell into it quite by accident and some don't do it at all.

Life is what you make it.

I'm happy with my kids, DH and house in suburbia but we go on the hunt for fun and exciting times all the time usually. So much so that the worst thing about lockdown for me is not being able to travel. It's absolutely killing me.

Life is always difficult with small children because unless you're made of money, truly exciting times are nearly always impossible to pull off so yeah, that can be boring but now my kids are older the sky is the limit.

[Violinist64]

What is wrong with the description of an ordinary life? I live in a small town in a 1980s 4 bedroom detached house. I have three grownup children, the oldest of whom is disabled. I am self employed, working from home as a music teacher. I have been married for over thirty years, am a practising Christian and attend church regularly. My mother, although healthy, is elderly and widowed. I am very busy and mostly very content with my life. I have many friends. I will never be famous outside of my small circle, but I am perfectly happy with that. Contentment is key. If you feel you want more from life, you are the only one who can do something about it.

[MsMeNz]

I think as a base life yes it makes me happy, although kids stress me out frequently, and I was far, far too busy pre lockdown so some lessons learnt there.
However I need to escape every do often to do what I love so I holiday alone once or twice a year. They get me 49-50 weeks of the year I need a few to just be adventurous me. That and having animals makes me happy.
But I like having a decent sized house not far from pretty much everything I need, albeit in a crappy ex mining town but that's my trade of for a bigger house.

[JamesNesbittsBrows]

Job I love. Out in the sticks. Happy family. Bloody lovely.

Have suffered severe illness, shitty childhood, pain conditions. So I count myself unbelievably lucky.

[Kimbob33]

Ah a year ago I met a guy after being a single mom for 13 years and working for 5 years at two jobs. He said he would be happy and can definitely afford for me to give up working and stay at home etc etc. Surely what we all dream of...for 5 years I’ve worked two jobs. Up at 4/5 am and bed at 12/1am. So kinda been Living on 4/5 hours sleep a day. After 8 weeks off My sleeping patterns still the same ha...god I wish I could be that person who stays at home and becomes that ‘living the life of luxury’ kinda person but I just do not think my body clock Or my person will allow it. Think my brain is just programmed to work 10-16 hours a day. Ughhhhhhhh. Back to work on June 1st. For one job at least. Damn, I wanna retire! Lol 😂

[Thinkingabout1t]

I was brought up with the expectation that you study hard at school, you study hard and enjoy yourself at university, don't take a gap year either end, then you knuckle down and work with zero enjoyment until you retire.

DDIJ, nobody told you to work with zero enjoyment! If you're not happy at work look for a different job, or find other interests. If you're suffering from depression, please seek treatment such as cognitive behaviour therapy.

I think the problem is more that we have much higher expectations than our grandparents, who lived through war and hard times. Life is as boring as you make it.

[XingMing]

I shall be 64 next birthday, and I have enjoyed almost all phases of my life so far. In my twenties, I was the party girl in London and New York. In my thirties, I worked hard to create my career. In my forties, I had a child, and worked PT. I retrained as a teacher in my fifties, and got tossed aside as the government took my subject out of the curriculum, and it coincided with a life-threatening health issue for DH. I know that I need my next reinvention to take shape in the next year or so, but I don't know what it will be. But, I enjoyed all the stages as they happened. I wasn't ecstatic with happiness all the time (who is?) but I am generally contented with the life I have now.