"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

HCPs presumably have training in what terminology to use but can pick up from patients and family members what to say.

No, “passed” hasn’t imported itself from America. Americans will say passed away or died. I know this because I grew up hearing my mother, who was an American minister, talk about church congregants who had passed away. Why do the British think that everything they dislike has come from America? It’s silly.

I personally prefer to use more direct language. But death is often a very emotional issue so let people use the language they feel comfortable with. It comes across a bit uptight that you feel you need to police how people talk when it doesn't effect you.

I understand in circumstances where it does have an impact but this is really here or there.

The only thing that makes me cringe OP, is that you would care about this.

We have always used "passed away" in this country as a euphemism for "died", and most people are sensitive to bereaved people's preferences and follow their lead as to whether they are happy with "died" when referring to their relative or would prefer the euphemism of "passed away". "Passed" or "passed over" was always used by spiritualist type people as it always suggested them passing onto the next plane.

I have no idea why British people have suddenly started saying "passed". I find it unbearably twee, and it just makes me think of Derek Acorah. I have a relative who works in the health sector who has started using "passed" when talking to members of our family about patients who died during the course of her work. I absolutely can't stand it used like that, it just makes me think of some character from Last of the Summer Wine, or Les Dawson doing Cissie & Ada.

I wonder if it's because it tends to be what Americans say, and I feel irrationally annoyed at the increasing Americanisms creeping into UK culture? "I was so pissed" is now everyhere on social media. In my day it meant you were drunk. Now it means you were angry, as in pissed OFF?

Don't get me started on the stupid American accents of some British youtubers either......

Some people dont like using the word "dead" as its so final...i find nothing wrong with the word "passed"..or whatever phrase people are personally comfortable with..its an individual thing and certainly not something that should be up for judgement

I always say “ died” even with my own parents. As in “ my dad died last year”, however if I was talking about him I would say “ my late dad used to do that”
Likewise, my husbands wife “died” 26 years ago, but I say “your late wife would have loved these grandchildren”
My husband however, always says “ my first wife passed away”, don’t think he has ever said she “died”.
Everyone is different.

Passed away would be used to refer to the time of the passing if that makes sense and would generally be used in reference to elderly people ime who you might be close to. It's usually used with respect for the grieving rather than the more gruesome and stark 'died'.

Killed would be used in reference to a death in a road accident for e.g.
Died would be used for people you wouldn't necessarily be close to or know too well.
Not a medical professional who tend obviously to use the verb 'to die'.

*Irish mumsnetter

I think it comes from a belief that you pass from one life to the next i.e. from earth to heaven.

It would be more used conversationally than in news reports.

The first time I heard 'passed' I was confused because it's always been 'passed away'. People used to say they were 'pissed off' when annoyed, now they just say 'pissed' which to my generation means drunk.

Died confuses no one and I prefer it, but it can certainly be a bit stark, so sometimes a bit of sensitivity is called for. Language evolves.

I find I can say died or dead after years have gone.
My grandmother died in 2008 age 95, we said passed away, to me it means she had a good long life and drifted off to sleep that night but didnt wake in the morning. A good death in your own bed at an old age after a full life.
My fiance did not "pass away" at the age of 25. He was killed horribly and violently in a road accident and his last moments were on a cold wet road with his bike lying beside him. Yet people did say "pass away".
I was 24 and couldnt say he was "dead" for many years.
So yes I "lost" him, not like keys or in the garden but on a dark wet road.
People should say whatever they like imo. I take my clue from the bereaved and how they speak of it.

You generally have a healthier approach to death than those on the eastern side of the irish sea. What words or phrases do you use?

Died, passed away, passed peacefully at home is often used in obituaries.

My late grandmother is what I would use rather than 'my dead grandmother'.

The reason I and many of my friends don't say died is because we don't believe in death but a continuation of life elsewhere.

I prefer 'died' as well. I remember being rather confused when told a by text a couple of years ago that my unwell grandmother was 'now sleeping peacefully'. She had died.
That said, if people are talking about their own loved ones, then leave them be. That goes double for the PP who seems angry about people who've had a stillbirth saying their baby was born sleeping. Frankly, they have enough on their plate than how other people want to think about it.

m0therofdragons Sun 17-May-20 13:00:52

I work in a hospital and one member of staff sends us updates about bed state etc and always puts “guests in mortuary”. Yes, she calls dead people guests. I really can’t quite articulate how much I hate it.

When I worked at Leeds General Infirmary, the mortuary was Ward 13. On our bed state reports we had a category of 'transferred to Ward 13'.

I prefer 'he died', 'she died' etc rather than euphemisms, but we have to respect that its a very personal subject and other people prefer to use 'softer' terms. Its their call really and where is the harm?

The only thing that makes me cringe OP, is that you would care about this.

Needlessly nasty remark.

My husband is dead and I’ve got no truck with this ‘passed’ nonsense. He died. Whatever you call it, death is death. Let’s not try and mitigate the fact of it by calling it something else.

Each to their own, and I'd willingly use whatever word each individual bereaved person takes comfort from. But having recently experienced a very late miscarriage, I personally am very much in the camp that they died, died, died. For me, being told that they passed, passed away, etc brings me no consolation. And I say that as a Christian believer who is confident that my twins are in heaven.

Irish people would also have a tendency to add a bit on to the end of the name, to indicate a death.

E.g., Poor Johnny, God rest his soul, died yesterday.
Or
May, May Lord have mercy on her, passed away peacefully surrounded by her family.

I tend to write RIP after mentioning someone's name who has died.

I refer to when my Dad died as well but if somebody else wants to say 'passed' then that's up to them. Whether my Dad passed, died or passed away he's still dead and that won't change.

so at a time of deep distress op doesn't want you to be able to pick the words that you find easiest to use - she want you to greave her way and people must die or its all about death

exactly how insensitive can you be at a time when thousands of parents and grandparents are dying and people have lost there loved ones - am I allowed to use loved ones rather than relatives?

uncalled for......

Oh JOG ON
SOME use it instead of DIED

Some people DO
Get over it and move your judgy pants out your arse

Just chill, they are only words.

It has been common to use the words passed or lost when referring to death for a long time, I would even say more common than died. What ever makes those talking about grief most comfortable I am ok with, I am not going to split hairs over the words used when it is completely clear what is meant.

I remember hearing about my grandmother's death from my own dd. I had only been speaking to my father earlier that day so when dd said Nan is dead, I was like 'no - she's still alive, I was only talking to Dad earlier' and she was like 'No, she died earlier today'. And the brutality of the words seemed to strike me like a blow.