"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

[Sparklingbrook]

Agree with you @ChandlerIsTheBestFriend this comes up quite often on MN and I never understand it.

[Clancey]

I deliberately have to keep saying that mom has died, or when mom was alive .... It's been quite a while now & I'm still struggling with it,. So I keep saying it so that I can believe it as I'm still really shocked about it.

[Horehound]

I don't mind what term anyone uses because obviously that's how they prefer to view it. It's hardly a big deal.

And I've seen the "where's he lost then, the garden?" Type comments...that is just so ignorant, dumb and patronising.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Calling Irish mumsnetters. You generally have a healthier approach to death than those on the eastern side of the irish sea. What words or phrases do you use?

I prefer direct language. I think Im on the spectrum and vague language sends me into a panic. Fear of the word increases fear of the thing itself, be it Voldemort or death.

[HipTightOnions]

In the hospice world it's always died. Any new staff member who turns up and uses passed or some such euphemism gets gently told to stop.

I find this very reassuring somehow.

[ohlookthisisjustdaftnow]

I think 'passed away' is appropriate and respectful, I'm not so keen on just 'passed' but I'd never presume to tell anyone how to talk about their deceased loved one.

[CandidaAlbicans2]

*When I hear people use it I always think it sounds like they're implying that the dead person has passed 'over' into another dimension in the way that a 'medium' might use it...I believe that when you're dead, you're dead so that's the word I use"

It's why I'm not a fan of phrases like "passed away". I'm not religious or spiritual, don't believe in the afterlife, and neither were my parents, both of which died. They didn't go anywhere, they were cremated and their ashes scattered, so they're still part of this planet too, just in fertiliser form. But I can see why some people like a more sanitised, gentle, phrase when they lose loved ones. I just get really irritated if it's used by the mainstream media.

[Chloemol]

In the great scheme of what’s happening across the world at the moment what does it matter how death is announced or discussed. The world over people discuss death in different ways using different words. It doesn’t matter

[Cyllie33]

I prefer to use died. But I also prefer that people use whatever wording they feel comfortable with in difficult circumstances so wouldn’t think if judging/questioning someone saying ‘passed/passed away’.

[1990shopefulftm]

People should use whatever works for them in their grief.

I use died as my dad died when I was quite young so I dealt with something most children wouldn't ever have to think about at that age and I found saying died helped me than something more gentle, but I know people that will say passed away and if i do I mirror whatever helps them in their grief.

[MikeUniformMike]

When a close relative died, it was hard to say died or dead. Passed away was an easier way of saying it.

As time went by, it became much easier and I now say that the relative is dead.

[GertiMJN]

Anise7438

I feel the same way about 'my late father/mother'
Eh?? I am currently dealing with my father's will so have received plenty of official correspondence referring to "your late father".
How would you want solicitors etc to refer to him to me? "Your dead father?"

[WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat]

So how should one interpret "I lost my dog"?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I'm laughing at JustMuddlingAlong's post and agree - 'died' is my preference too.

I would take my cue from how the bereaved person would phrase it but for me, I'd use the proper term.

'Guests in the mortuary' would make me annoyed too, m0therofdragons, just how far are we supposed to go to make situations sound nothing like the reality? That's actually quite shocking.

[Mittens030869]

The phrase always used to be 'passed away', which I actually prefer to 'passed', which I personally find vague and confusing. I wouldn't use the word 'died' to a bereaved person, though, unless they did.

I remember his tricky it was when my FIL died in a car accident out of the blue. It was such a shock and it was very hard for my DH and his family to find a way of vocalising what had happened. We hadn't been together long then either, so it was very difficult to know how to talk about it myself.

I think, as a rule of thumb, you should be guided by how a bereaved person wants to describe it, as it really doesn't matter, as long as they're facing up to their loss.

I would hate to have a job where I had to tell someone their loved one had died; whatever word or phrase you use, it's going to be devastating.

[CandidaAlbicans2]

My personal "favourite" is "crossed over rainbow bridge" when pets die. Bluergh! (not envy) Oh god, I really do find that cringe-worthy despite having adored my dead ex-pets.

[Siameasy]

I prefer died. Where I work we sometimes have to tell people a loved one has died and it’s better to be unambiguous

[billandbeninsanfrancisco]

I think guests in the mortuary is lovely and I found it a great comfort. It wasn’t an attempt to disguise for goodness sake, it’s just a mark of respect.

[Chinchinatti]

You've little to worry about.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

My lovely NDN died suddenly last week and when his teenage Son came round to tell me he said "my Dad has died"

In my experience it is younger people who are more direct but I like that.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

I always find passed/lost a bit weird.

Also, I accept it can be painful, but when people go on about 'taken to soon' etc - in relation to someone that's died & they were 90+ or whatever.

And as for "rainbow bridge" for animals - NO

[Doyoumind]

It's not a term I would ever use. I really dislike it but I do feel worried occasionally if I mention someone has died and then other people use passed that they think I am heartless.

[TerrorWig]

I dislike it. I will take my cues from the bereaved person, and would use 'passed away' when it's recent and upsetting and to an adult.

With children in particular, I think it's important there is no ambiguity. Husband refers to his mother (and anyone else) as passed away which can be confusing to young children. I always use 'died'.

[rc22]

In the area I live in, lots of women refer to "getting caught pregnant" as though it had nothing to do with them whatsoever.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Of course people can use whatever term works best for them. OP is talking about this term being used more generally and pseudo-officially; by newsreaders etc. We are all allowed an opinion on that.

I completely agree OP. To me, the tradtional British 'passed away' gives me mental image of someone fading away to nothingness, which to me, makes sense. It could be interpreted as 'passed away to another place' for those that favour that sort of notion, though I think 'passed on' suits that better.

'Passed' definitely implies 'passed over to the other side' to me. Very mediumish, definitely religious. Not so surprising in a widely religious country like the US. Very odd to the ear of a, typically secular, Brit.