"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

Only on MN would people bitch and moan about how bereaved people dare to describe what’s happened.

This.

When my Dad died, I told people he had died. But if others want to use other ways to describe it that's up to them. Also people say "I'm sorry for your loss" because they really are. It's true people don't know how to talk about death. I could only really talk to other bereaved adult children about my Dad dying. Nobody else really got it and some people actively changed the subject. But that was also fine. It hadn't happened to them yet. For me it was a loved experience and natural to be talking matter of factly about it.

Also, when my Dad died, it actually did feel like I had lost him. For the first week, I knew he had died but I was also really confused and kept looking for him.

Only on MN would people bitch and moan about how bereaved people dare to describe what’s happened.

Agreed.

OP posted about how neutral third parties, such as newsreaders, talk about death.

I think that's a very reasonable conversation to have.

Except that wasn’t how the thread continued...

I do agree with the idea that straightforward honesty is less likely to lead to cross purposes and misunderstanding than euphemisms are. My uncle, who I was really close to as a child, had cancer for eight years when I was in my teens/twenties, and ultimately died of it. I had no idea until close to the end how serious it was, because my aunt would never use the word cancer, and used euphemisms which it turned out were supposed to indicate cancer but which I didn't understand!

After sitting all day with my very ill mum in her nursing home,I nipped out for something to eat. As I came back in,the sister in charge caught me and said 'Your mum's just passed'. For a split second I was baffled before I realised she meant died.
She was meaning to be kind, and it's hard to know what people would want to hear, but I still wish she'd said died.

@GoatyGoatyMingeMinge

I think it's pretty crap to say that people who used the term 'passed/passed away' lose points on your pathetic-resilient scale. Have you ever lost someone very close to you? I lost my child and I can find no words adequate to express how much resilience I've had to muster to pick up my life again and try to keep going. I'm certainly not pathetic, but I think your post is exactly that. For you

Anything is better than a Nurse I worked with,if anyone died she would refer to them as “the corpse”.

Talking with family and friends I say Mum died. But if i talk about her with aquantances or strangers I tend to speak as though she is still here and usually have to clarify that 'we lost her several years ago' when they ask a question.

@LoadOfOldTosh I wouldn't waste a biscuit on old goaty, they'll eat any old shit apparently.

Used to hate the term “passed away” until my mum died.

Then I realised it doesn’t matter, people are just trying to be gentle/kind.

It’s just so nice that they’re being thoughtful, even if that niceness doesn’t always land exactly where they intended.

@Tootletum
@MouthBreathingRage

I see.... Those examples are very different from what I had in mind. I totally get where you are both coming from now. 😊

I prefer the words died and death to their euphemisms and would use them in written condolence messages rather than scrabbling around for a ‘softer’ equivalent. In conversation though I’m more likely to say ‘sorry to hear about X’ than ‘sorry to hear X has died’.
People will choose the language that works best for them and I think where the intention is warm, anything is acceptable really.

I think this song will express how Irish people view death. Not All Irish people, but most, would have a faith of some description in terms of an afterlife. The song references my 'going away' and 'parting'.

To me as an Irish person if someone said to me 'Oh I heard your father died', I'd be sucker punched a little as opposed to if someone said to me, 'I'm sorry to hear that your Dad passed away'.
Just language really. Colloquialisms I suppose.

To my English ear, 'passed away' is perfectly normal, whereas just 'passed' is folksy and woo.

In everyday life, I've found that English people often don't use any term at all. They say 'I was sorry to hear about your ', or 'is your still with us?'.

Whereas the police and coroners are very straightforward and direct, to avoid any possible misunderstanding.

Yes, someone told me they lost their Father, and I had to stop myself asking "where"?
I dont like "passed" either. I hate "they gained their angel wolings".

Oh, that should have said wings.

@amusedbush because the person who hasn't gone through it feels uncomfortable. For the person who has gone through unbearable loss, it can feel a lot worse when people dance around it.

The OP talks about what people say online, in conversations, on MN, not just about what newsreaders say.

I hate these threads.

Most bereaved people report the worst thing is that some people stop talking to them or avoid the topic. If you start getting het up or judgemental about terminology, that's more likely to happen- people think I don't know what to say and so don't say anything.

I received a lot of bereavement cards and messages and I can honestly say I didn't look at the terms people used! I was just so happy they messaged at all.

I hate the way people use those mourning memes on fb, with pictures of their loved ones with the Angel's.

Oh no people are doing mourning wrong.

I hate "passed" I have always hated it.

Yes, someone told me they lost their Father, and I had to stop myself asking "where"?

It seems perfectly natural to me to say you’ve lost someone. I can:t imagine what sort of person’s first response would be to ask where.