"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

I don't see an issue with the OP, like some people.

OP hasn't said people can't choose how they want to refer to a death, just that it seems that the word "passed" is suddenly the word everyone appears to be using.

I agree, I've noticed a real increase in the use of this term. "Passed away" is the more usual version of the term in my area.

Personally, I take the lead from the bereaved person, in relation to the death they are talking about. Or, if it's a death that I'm the one talking about, I'll use "dead" or "died".

My mum died 18 months ago. And that's the word I use in talking with others about her.

When I die I'd like my family to send around the following.
Disclaimer: Just written by me and I have never claimed to be sane.

* has died.
She did not pop her clogs as she didn't own any, as she hated them.
She has not shuffled off her mortal coil as she never shuffled anywhere and we were not sure until now that she was actually mortal. (Her children thought part zombie but her siblings suggest vampire/werewolf hybrid.)

She is not lost and would be annoyed if we lost her after the time and effort she spent in finding herself.
She has not passed but is currently sat in rose cottage passing wind.
She has not passed away as she is a guest in the mortuary and has nowhere to go or pass to.
She is not in a better place as she is lying in a drawer and I'm sure she thought her house was nicer than that.
She has not expired as she was never made of milk, past the years she spent breastfeeding.
She would never give up a ghost as she did not believe in them.
She would never kick a bucket.
She is not six feet under but may be in a few weeks time.

She is not sleeping with the fishes.
She did not slip away.
She did not cash in her chips.
She has not pegged out.
She is not pushing up daisies.
She has not carked it.
She has not met her maker.
She did not go to heaven.
She has not fallen asleep.

She has died
is dead.

"Ken Dodd's dad's dog's passed" is really not a very good tongue twister.

I hate these sorts of thread. People can use whatever word they want to talk about death, no-one need to be made to feel like they're somehow not doing it right if they don't use the same terminology as someone else. Some people prefer to be direct and factual. Some people prefer not to. End of story.

@tinkerbellla

I don't mind "passed away" if you want a gentle term for dying but "passed" just sounds a bit woo. Like you are saying they passed into another dimension or something.

I always think of mediums when I hear that phrase. And me! I can tolerate 'Passed away' but 'passed' is weird, I always want to add 'passed what?'

Another thing that is creeping in slowly is the word 'wept'. I read it in books and it irritates me, but I actually heard someone in RL say 'she was weeping' recently. What?? She was crying! I cry, I don't weep!! I really hope this doesn't catch on...

I agree Goaty sounds like an arsehole. I hope that's plain speaking enough for her.

It would be hypocritical to deny!

I always say died. I feel weird saying ‘passed away’ it just doesn’t sound right. My mum and aunt and nan are/were all nurses and my uncle is a doctor and I have family in the military also, so talking about death isn’t weird in our family, just a bit of a fact of life . I think it’s because of that I say ‘died’. If someone asked me not to say it though I wouldn’t.

@GoatyGoatyMingeMinge

Another thing that is creeping in slowly is the word 'wept'. I read it in books and it irritates me, but I actually heard someone in RL say 'she was weeping' recently. What?? She was crying! I cry, I don't weep!! I really hope this doesn't catch on...

Creeping in slowly? Hope this doesn't catch on? The word "weep" has been used in that sense for centuries! There are dozens of examples in Shakespeare, eg

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."
William Shakespeare, King Henry VI, Part 3

"Evermore weeping for your cousin’s death?
What, wilt thou wash him from his grave with tears?" Romeo and Juliet

flirtygirl I am so very sorry about your dad.

Can't get worked up about it. I'd want anyone who'd suffered a bereavement to use the word they felt comfortable with. It's not about me.

Passed away does sound a bit namby pamby, but since my mum died 3 weeks ago it's been easier to say passed away rather than died. I can't say out loud that she had died as it makes me cry. Maybe that will change with time.

@TabbyStar I can't stand that too! Someone said that to me about my grandad and I couldn't help myself, I said I haven't lost him, he's in the funeral home last time I checked.

My mum told me off for being rude but I didn't bloody lose him, I knew exactly where he was.

"Wept" is in the Bible, i.e. Jesus Wept.

Don't understand the complaints about "lost" either. If a loved one has died, it is a loss.

@Tootletum
@MouthBreathingRage

Looking at your desire to protect children, I do wonder if this is actually a large part of the problem in all of this. My father died when I was a child. I most certainly was not prepared. Pretty shit really, when his death should not have been a surprise as he’d been on borrowed time for years. All I ever heard was what a miracle he was, never the flip side. For me, he was Teflon coated.

My dd is being brought up knowing that the only certain thing in life is that we are born and we die. Children are far more accepting of basic facts than adults. Death is part of that and it is statistically likely that they will survive us. For me, it therefore our responsibility to prepare them for this. And in order to do it, the most direct language is needed.

Clem we have a similar sense of humour.

As for weeping, it conjurs up an image of somebody who is struggling more than somebody crying, maybe it's because of the idea of a weeping tree as one that is bent over, falling to the ground? It's not a new word, as Goaty said.

@Coulddowithanap it's not namby pamby at all if it is what is 'easiest' for you to say.

Haven't RTFT, but as someone who has recently (2019) had both their parents die in close succession I have no issue with the word 'died', and I don't mind people using the word when they talk to me about what happened.

Because they did die. They didn't 'pass' (pass what?) and I didn't 'lose' them (I know exactly where they are now). Why have we become so weirdly sensitive about death? It was happening before Covid, this isn't a new thing. Death is a part of life. We will all die. It's the one certainty we all share!

Thank you @antipodalpizza

It's over thirty years since my parents died. I was young, most people I knew had two living parents. I found it really hard to say that they had died, or were dead.
I totally understand why people use a different form of words, logically you know someone has died but emotionally it's difficult to say. Weeping or crying or greeting is often deemed inappropriate, so whatever gets you through the day.

I think it's meant quite sensitively, a kinder way of mentioning something that someone knows to be true.

For example, my cousin died at 23. It was incredibly sad and difficult for my whole family and complicated by circumstances around her death. I would always say that she passed away and that's what we'd say when we talk about her within my family. For some reason the word 'died' or 'is dead' is just too sad and final, and it feels a bit, harsh? it's really hard to explain what I mean or why it feels that way, because she did die and she is dead, but to say it out loud like that really, really hurts, so I'll continue to use twee and minimising words, because for some reason it makes me feel better.

(I do think it's important that if you're telling someone that their friend/family member has died, you need to use words like dead and died though, even though its difficult to hear them)

Yes I agree with poster ...weird expression and also I cringe when people refer to a death as a loss !!!

@Mummyoflittledragon sorry I wasn't clear, I didn't mean I don't tell my kids about death or about the death for example of my father. I told them he died and that was actually a good thing.
I just don't tell them about violent deaths in the news that might be the topic of a random discussion, that's what the euphemisms are for.