"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

What the issue? Maybe some people can’t handle the word died, dying. Perhaps let them use a word that just about makes their loved one dying a bit
More bearable and not judge them for it.

@Mummyoflittledragon, my eldest understands things die, or as much as much as a nearly 5 year old can. In my case, when my parent died he had never met them and had no need to know that it had happened. I didn't want to confuse him with the idea a grandparent had died as he may have become upset that it was one he had known and loved. So if I did need to mention it when he was in hearing range, yes I preferred to use the words 'passed away'.

With the Covid-19 situation, it's too much for most adults to comprehend, so again I avoid mention the deaths around the children. I think they're far far too young to understand hundreds of people are dying of the virus thats preventing them from going to school or the park. I dont want to cause them any unnecessary fear.

If it was someone close to my children, I'd be clear but gentle in using the word 'died' rather than pass away. 'Dead' isn't a nasty word, but it is a very heavy, sad and final one. I will only use it with my small children when absolutely necessary, as is my perogative to do so. I dont want them dwelling on it without a damn good reason. That matter will obviously change as they become older and have more questions, but now is not the appropriate time to explain what 'dead' means and why it's affecting so many people.

I tend to cringe when someone I know has experienced a bereavement, because I know they may be facing a difficult time.

I think it's meant quite sensitively, a kinder way of mentioning something that someone knows to be true.

Agree. Can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Complete lack of empathy

Thank you StarbucksSmarterSister
Love your Battlestar Gallatica inspired name.

It's not a recent thing. I recall the saying 'passed over' being around when I was young.

Does it matter what wording someone uses? There are no rules when it comes to grieving, lets not judge whatever someone might say to help them get through a traumatic experience.

I tend to cringe when someone I know has experienced a bereavement, because I know they may be facing a difficult time.

As this is all about words and their significance, are you sure that's what you mean?

cringe
verb
UK /krɪndʒ/ US /krɪndʒ/
to feel very embarrassed

Death is a loss though, my Dad is dead but it is a loss for me - I will never be able to hear his voice again, I can't hear his voice in my head and all those opportunities we had to spend time together are lost to me.

I prefer died and is now dead, not passed. lost or sleeping. But each to their own

It's over thirty years since my parents died. I was young, most people I knew had two living parents. I found it really hard to say that they had died, or were dead.

@eggandonion I am also young enough that people make the casual assumption that I would still have living parents - the sort of “oh, do your parents live close by then?” sort of questions from school mums etc. I have no problem referring to them as having died when I talk to people I know well, but it always feels a bit cruel/stark to say “dead” when the person is going to feel embarrassed at the assumption anyway. My usual response is “Unfortunately my Mum and Dad are no longer with us”.

If you Google cringe, embarrassment is one aspect of it. Other meanings are more along the lines of not liking what you are hearing, a physical recoil.
I hate being asked if my parents are well or whether they live nearby or whatever, because they don't like the answer.

• @TabbyStar I can't stand that too! Someone said that to me about my grandad and I couldn't help myself, I said I haven't lost him, he's in the funeral home last time I checked.*

I did actually lose my DF a few years before he died, he'd been admitted to hospital but I didn't know where, and I freaked out a friend saying I'd "lost" him.

From another angle, is there a sensitive phrase to enquire whether someone is not dead?

"Is Sandra stiil alive?" is rather blunt. "Is Sandra still around?" is a bit vague and casual.

How about "Is Sandra still with us?"

Haven't you noticed all those funeral cover insurance ads on TV?
Lost a loved one...
She/he passed away....
She's/he's gone
Etc
Anything is better in their opinion than saying it as it is.
They have died
They don't want to offend people so it's softly softly
I absolutely hate it

I also hate "passed" to mean died.

I also dislike the way that people seem to believe that it's impolite not to preface the word "died" with the word "sadly", but even Chris Whitty was at it the other day and if the Chief Medical Officer isn't able to talk about death in an objective and matter-of-fact way then there's probably not much hope for the rest of us.

*I think it's meant quite sensitively, a kinder way of mentioning something that someone knows to be true.

Agree. Can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Complete lack of empathy*

See I find the opposite. My parent died very young and honestly the dancing around with oblique euphemisms drove me mad.

I just wanted to scream that they had died, were fucking dead. They hadn’t passed - that suggests they’ve gone somewhere else, or “lost”, else I’d be out looking..

It’s shit whichever way. And using “nice” words doesn’t make it any better. In fact I found it “lessened” the expection of my grief somehow, that passed/lost isn’t as bad as dead.

My religious relations in northern Ireland put called home in death notices. Theres a symbol on Baden-Powells grave which means I have gone home - a dot in a circle.

Got busy with gardening and yoga .... nice day here.

Each to their own - no problem with that and also no problem with following people who are grieving's lead Re the language they use.

Personally I wouldn't use "passed".

What really annoys me are people on radio and tv talking about people they don't know and have likely never met.
In this way "passed" has come into widespread use - it's that that really annoys me.

I also associate "passed" with visions of a medium/crystal ball/beaded curtain scenario.

"Passed" has connotations of moving somewhere else.

The lady Anne.

I am the same . I work in a job where people die . However I cannot say that about my much much beloved and so missed dad .

I think it's OK if people don't like to use the word death. I do think YABVVU for thinking 'what the fuck' about people's choice of terminology when they have suffered a bereavement. Especially now.

I find it insulting. When someone you've actually cared about has died, you don't want to soften it or make it seem less bad. It's to make other people feel better.

It's dreadful. And for small children, the term passing (or in the sky, in a rainbow, in heaven) very confusing and possibly frightening. Needs to be stated as dying.

But Babyllama sine people do. We are different. You can’t say ‘you don’t want to...’, that’s not true of everyone.

I say ‘Granny died’ to my children. I think most of us that prefer other terms recognise potential pitfalls I.e. confusion. In adult conversation I say I lost her as to say ‘died’ tends to make me cry.

Personally I haven’t even noticed this ‘passed’ thing. Passed away is what I remember from my youth (70s). That’s not new. ‘Passed’ I don’t think I have ever heard.

Quick google suggests 12th century origin of ‘passed away’. I don’t think you can say modern society can’t cope and it’s a lack of resilience.

I couldn’t bring myself to say PA about my Mum. Yet I’m on the ‘side’ in this debate of PA/lost versus Died. It is all so personal and anyone who ‘cringes’ just lacks empathy and imagination I think.

Surely we can all just let each other off and accept that we are individuals.