"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

GostyGoatyIngeMinge

So Jux thinks all the people on this thread who have explained why they say passed away,people who's loved ones have died, as pathetic?

I must say that on the pathetic-resilient spectrum they lose quite a few points in my mind!

GoatyGoatyMingeMinge

Do you mean that Jux loses points on your pathetic-resilient spectrum or do you mean people who use the expression 'passed/passed away'?

I think it’s us. But it’s okay. I have my own resilience scale.

Hi @LoadOfOldTosh

Do you mean that Jux loses points on your pathetic-resilient spectrum or do you mean people who use the expression 'passed/passed away'?

The latter

That’ll kill a thread. Don’t think anyone can comprehend that level of meanness really.

It's stretching the arsehole spectrum further than previously thought possible isn't it?

I am another that really dislikes 'passed or passed away'.

My aunt died in April and when I told people she'd died, I got several friends texting me to say they were sorry she'd 'passed away'.

I think if I'd used that terminology, fair enough. But I don't feel the need to use a euphemism, or to not normalise death. Plus, I am not religious, so to me, she hasn't 'passed' anywhere.

Yep totally with you although I like the ‘lost’ term. It’s about mirroring.

But can’t really comment as still gobsmacked at Goat.

I would say that I was sorry to hear about your aunt, whether she had died or passed away.
I am glad I live in a country where all covid press conferences have the chief medical officer offer condolences to all affected.

I prefer to say 'died', and this is what I used when my dad died. I also use it when talking about my sister who died. Personally, I don't like to use euphemisms to describe my dead family members.

However, I would always mirror what someone who has been bereaved says, as it's not up to me what wording they use. So if a person says 'passed away' or 'passed' about a loved one, that's what I'll say too.

A bereaved person's wishes are more important than my preferences.

This poster has it spot on

Passed away is okay but just passed is crap. Dumbing down. Trying to sound modern. Whatever it is it is horrible.

We have a beautiful language and it is being bastardised and that is upsetting.

Not as ‘horrible’ or ‘upsetting’ as a bereavement...

It was predictable that this thread would degenerate into the sort of nonsense which attacks/defends those who do or don't use particular terminology.

It's clear the OP was referring to trite euphemisms being used as the received terms in an increasingly generic context: everywhere from reporting to policing to HCP to undertakers to the media. And in that sense, she's right. It isn't helpful.

This thread evidently wasn't an attempt to police the way in which the bereaved articulate their loss. Albeit as a bereaved person I found it profoundly unhelpful, as PPs have mentioned other people's grief is about them, and about dealing with it in whatever way helps them. Of course anyone with an ounce of empathy would take their cues from the ones who are grieving. But all that was patently obvious right from the beginning.

I work in a hospital & death is death. I think for the avoidance of doubt.

The mortuary doesn’t have “guests” so far as I know, but is referred to as Ward 13 or Rose Cottage. More so in normal times when porters come to collect bodies & don’t want to say “right then love, where’s the dead body” in front of other patients & visitors. “Where’s the patient for transfer to Rose Cottage?” Sounds much nicer.

Its not usually something I'd say, but both my parents have died in the last 7 weeks, and so I've had to tell an awful lot of people ranging from their siblings to people at banks and I've found myself using 'passed away' as writing they died/ date of death is a very hard word and I'm almost feeling like I have to soften the phrase as you almost see people recoil if you are blunt

SorryCMOTD

It makes me feel the same. As does lost. When my DF died, I said he had died. At the time the phrase that grated on me more was the glib 'I'm sorry for your loss'. I must have heard it from every person who spoke to me in the hospital and many since. I felt like it was a silly phrase albeit well meant and I felt that many people were just trotting it out. It made me unreasonably irritated.

YANBU. I don't like passed away (and passed is worse) because I like clarity and don't like euphemisms so I wouldn't use either myself.

It's what Americans say. I hate it.

I worked with a lady who used 'late' for her dead relatives. It got very confusing. She once told me about her auntie who was late, but it turned out, after quite an involved story, that she had not turned up on time. I had to say nothing until the context emerged.

Only on MN would people bitch and moan about how bereaved people dare to describe what’s happened.

I understand why people use it but I don't like it. I think it's confusing for children. Some things are difficult to say but I think if it's said kindly and within the right context there's nothing wrong with saying someone has died.

I am in my 40s and have always heard of the expression,"They passed away" or "They passed on"

It's less brutal than died in my opinion.

I guess when you are the relative of the person who died, you are the one who gets to choose the words you prefer.

My dad died when I was very young and telling people I met throughout life my dad was dead used to shock them, saying my dad was no longer alive seemed to work best.

I remember answering the telephone in my grans house and someone was giving their condolences about my cousins passing that he had read about in the local paper. I am glad it was me who answered the phone and not my gran as this may have given her a heart attack thinking her grandson was dead. The piece in the paper was about his passing out parade in the army.

Personally I don't like 'passed' or even worse, 'gone to a better place.' Wtf! How dare people say that to a grieving person.

When DB died, I literally couldn't speak about it for a couple of years. Once I could, I much prefer to say he died, as that's how sad and heavy it is for me, and it's factual.

I agree with OP that the term 'passed' shouldn't generally be used by the media, because of its religious/ woo implication, unless talking to individuals who use that term about their family member.

My great aunt died in her sleep. Cue years of me as a child not wanting to go to sleep.
Passed on might have a been better form of words, really.