DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

Good update !
And some really good bits of advice on here

This might sound harsh but it’s not meant to be - you just do it and struggle and huff and puff and think grumpy thoughts but you do it. Newborn in sling helps. But a three year old does not rule. I’ve had to lug around newborn and 11 month old and three year old before so I do know the exhaustion. The consequence of a three year old believing that rule and getting their own way though can be unpleasant and dangerous. They must obey for road safety reasons etc, so HAVE to learn that what you say goes. Little walks, even 10 metres up road to put some birdseed out for sparrows or something may help. It’s the joy of multiple children, again far easier and safer to have multiple once they accept basic obedience.

Unlike some people I've just read the (fucking) thread and I'm so glad you managed to get out at last, OP. It is bloody hard at the best of times. I never had a superheavy three yr old, just a bone-idle one who was more than happy to loll in the buggy that was intended for the new baby, who went in the sling ... and that was with one tiny, and one largely compliant child. With three ...

I wasn't surprised to see posts saying 'You're the boss not your three year old' or 'FFS just do some parenting' but I was surprised to see SO MANY. I joined MN 14 years ago (shit) and over the years I've watched with sadness to see it become a fairly unpleasant and largely unsupportive place. It seems like the keyboard warriors here are just the same as everywhere else, now. Shame.

Have some fucking compassion, exercise some bloody imagination. You are not she: your kids are not her kids: your situation and attitudes are not hers.

I'm surprised so many people are saying just pick him up. Parenting by force (when it's not a safety issue) only works for so long, and once they are too big, what do you do then?

OP I would recommend posting these kind of issues in Parenting instead as it is generally more supportive and helpful.

My just turned 3 DD has been through this issue recently. It started a few weeks before the pandemic, so not related to lockdown. Luckily she's already stopped this behaviour, but the first few weeks of lockdown were hard when we all needed to just get outside for fresh air.

I found there was no point asking her why she didn't want to go out. I don't think she actually knew why, it was just another way she is developing her own autonomy.

A useful tip is to make sure everyone else is completely ready to go out, so if/when they do make a move towards the front door, you can all hustle out straight away

I found these things sometimes worked:

• reverse psychology, pretend you don't want to go out, or tell him he can't go out now

• playfulness, make it a game or challenge to get out "I bet I can get ready quicker than you", or "can you get your shoes on before I can count to ten?"

• just go out anyway and see if they follow (the riskiest option as I generally try not to say anything I can't follow through on)

• drop your expectations/standards. Going outside in their pjs once won't harm, and may make it fun. If it's cold/raining and they won't put a coat on, just bring it with you rather than battle inside. They normally put it on as soon as they really need it.

• focus on something else, talk about getting a toy to go outside for a walk, talk about how much Teddy likes to go outside and look for squirrels etc.

Great update @IncyWincyTincy ✊

👊

Just pick him up kicking and screaming in his PJs and drag him out of the door if you have to. Nobody will judge you because every parent has dealt with a wilful toddler. I totally understand what you mean about sometimes being willing to take your chances with the virus because I have a toddler and have felt like running screaming into the street like a lunatic on several occasions over the last few weeks.

Well done op! Great update!!
Just to reassure you my DS1 refused to go out after we had DS2. He got over it soon.
Give yourself a break. His world has changed lots with a new baby and covid. I too agree that some of the comments on this thread were incredibly unhelpful.

I posted one of the first replies before there were any follow up posts with more info about the context, and in hindsight (given the pile on!) I can see that my response was a bit harsh. I do think we have to put our feet down sometimes but in terms of how to actually do it when you have a physically resistant 3yo - I do feel your pain. Anyway I'm glad you had some helpful suggestions and made it out of the door in the end! It's definitely an achievement with little ones!

FWIW I'm pregnant and have PGP so I can't pick up my 3yo either. The other day we were out and he ran off fast - I was in so much pain after catching up with him and dragging/carrying him back. I haven't dared take him out by myself since

There are some things that work though:

• we tell him he can watch tv AFTER we've gone out but only if we go out
• we get him to help us post a letter
• take him out on his bike (I can't do this any more because I can't run after him, but DH does it)
• sometimes I have success saying "ok, you don't want to go, that's fine, I'll go by myself" then get ready, put on shoes etc and he decides he wants to come after all (a risky bluff though if it doesn't work!)

@Chickychickydodah
He’s 3 for gods sake , you’re the boss not him. Pick him up and take him out reassuring him all is well.

Didn't bother to read the OP's updates, did you?

In normal times, with no new baby and a wilful 3 year old, I'd have said scoop up and go. However, this little man's works has been turned upside down. A new baby and a complete change of life without his nursery friends and confusion that there's something bad out there, but he doesn't know what. This is an anxious child who needs love and understanding and his fears acknowledging.

@GlomOfNit

I joined MN 14 years ago (shit) and over the years I've watched with sadness to see it become a fairly unpleasant and largely unsupportive place

Exactly the same here.

Not RTFT OP, but have you tried looking at local places on the internet, printing some off, and getting him to pick somewhere to visit? I know there aren't a lot of options right now but you could still show pictures of a beach etc.

Then maybe give him more control, a tick list etc (have we got our coats? Have we got a packed lunch?)

Then when you're out, take a picture card and pens and tick off anything you see (bird/bus/tractor etc)

Well done for getting out. It’s much more likely to be the new baby than anything else.

When dh is home leave the baby with him and take him for a very short walk, so that he associates walking as a positive you time.

Then eventually won’t mind having pram etc as well

That's great OP.

A good day!

I was pleased to see your update about the successful trip out.
I have also read your response to the shouty posts demanding that you just do X Y and Z. I am sorry that you had to read those posts to get to the helpful advice.

We are living in difficult and confusing times and people may come on here to discuss parenting issues when in normal times they would have friends and wider family to help out. Take care of each other.

Just wanted to say I feel for you OP. And huge well done for getting out, I hope it only gets easier from here!

My 2.5 year old point blank refuses to go out quite often, but when he does agree to it we have a lovely time walking together. Recently I’ve just said ok, we’re going to take the buggy, if he’s refusing. He might rage for a short while but eventually calms down. I only have him to deal with so I can imagine it’s much harder with more than one.

This happened during the Christmas break as well, when me and DH were both off for 3 weeks. It was like he felt that if we went out one of us would leave. I think it definitely comes from a place of wanting to keep your loved ones where you can see them, in the house. And I pretty much gave into it at Christmas and ended up crying in the car a few times because I just wanted to go out. But I do think emphasising the importance of fresh air and exercise and how lovely these things are is so much better in the long run.

So I don’t really have useful advice but wanted to let you know you’re not alone

Oh OP, that all sounds really hard. You're doing brilliantly
Next time he's playing with his toys, ask if you can join in, and play the part of the dinosaur (or whatever!) who wants to go outside. It might prove more revealing than a conversation with your son.

It will get better. And God, give me teenagers over toddlers any day of the bloody week!
Hang on in there

Op I've not read all the replies but certainly for me, there's no way I could make my almost 3yo go outside by 'picking them up' or by putting them in the pram (barely used a pram since the started to walk). Some thoughts which might be useful:
Has he tried explaining why he doesn't want to go outside? Or what would help him?
How about taking pressure off completely? Have an indoor teddy bear picnic one day. Lots of super fun. Then next day have one in the garden (if you have one?) and leave the door open so he can join if he wants to? (Appreciate might not be possible depending in circumstances)
What about chocolate based treasure hunts?
How about building paper airplanes and flying them in garden - water balloon fights etc etc?!
You know him best and I know what it's like to juggle like this with a newborn. You'll figure it out x

Wow. Serious empathy bypass from far too many people.
We are talking about a 3 year old child whose entire world has completely changed beyond recognition.
OP you are doing an amazing job in extremely difficult circumstances!! This will get better!

Are you able to carve out 5 mins in the day just for you and him? Perhaps while bubba naps and the bigger one could have iPad/ tv? Then do whatever your 3 year old wants for that time. Then you can build in asking him if he has any worries- role playing with his favourite toys might be helpful “what’s that Dino? You feel scared to go outside” “oh no ds Dino feels sad to go outside, how can we help him” etc etc

This sucks but it won’t be forever. X

Be the parent.He May have picked up anxiety from you all, I think you should have discussed it at his level myself.If you have no parental control at 3 what will you do at 13 when he is bigger and stronger than you? As someone suggested a few days of pain will be worth the effort.

My daughter went through a phase when she was 3 when she wouldn’t leave the house. In the end, I worked out that it was because we’d been watching Andy’s dinosaur adventures on CBeebies and she thought there were dinosaurs outside! How verbal is he? Can you ask him if there is something he’s afraid of? Good luck! Xxx

I was going to say I have the same problem, then realised he was 3, my son is 16.
Hope you get it resolved soon.xx

My DS is 7 and he won’t go out either. I have to haul him bodily out, shut the front door behind us and then put on his shoes. He is fine after about two minutes of yowling/protesting. As with so many things, he dislikes the idea of something more than the actuality.

Was about to sympathise as I read your thread title and first few posts as am having issues myself with my son but then I saw yours was 3 ! Mine is sixteen... at 3 years old he would have had no choice in the matter of leaving home.