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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

311 replies

IncyWincyTincy · 17/05/2020 10:19

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 17/05/2020 10:32

This has just come about since lockdown? Even though you haven’t spoken to him about it, could he have heard you and your DH discussing it?
What does he say when you talk to him about it?
I think you’re going to have to take the bull by the horns and make him before this ends up a massive issue.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/05/2020 10:32

Yes, even without a newborn I would struggle to physically make mine leave the house/keep his clothes on when he was three if he was really determined. Obviously I a, bigger and stronger so I could overpower him if i had to, bit of he was really determined I don’t think I could without excessive, potentially dangerous, use of force... it could be just that he is no longer used to going outside than the virus specifically. I know this is terrible parenting but could you bribe him with biscuits/ice cream? Not all the time just the first time to get him out...

qwertypie · 17/05/2020 10:32

In these kinds of situations, I find some kind of enticement (or bribery) often works, like asking them what (reasonable) toy they want to bring with them, telling them they can choose where to go & you'll follow, saying that when you come back, you can all have a biscuit etc. Totally energy-sapping and I'm sure you've tried these things already but it's all I've got

Original poster

IncyWincyTincy · 17/05/2020 10:33

I've thought about slinging baby and pushing him but he can break out of the buggy.

Honestly I never thought of be here. The first week of lockdown was fine, we went on walks, we spent ages in the forest playing and having fun. And then it was like a switch flipped and he just changed. This is so unlike him, he has never acted like this before.

I ask him why and he wont or can't give me a reason.

OP posts:

qwertypie · 17/05/2020 10:34

Or even the old "Bet you can't catch me!" as you run out the door then lock it behind him

Herpesfreesince03 · 17/05/2020 10:34

He’s 3 years old ffs. Why is he being given an option??

AnnaMagnani · 17/05/2020 10:34

Agree with your DH that whatever your DS does, no matter how insane, the pair of you are not going to shout at each other.

Then go out of the house with him.

Of course he doesn't want to go out. It results in mummy and daddy shouting.

thatsmyumbrellaellla · 17/05/2020 10:35

Op have you tried taking him out on his own when Dh is home? Whilst he may not have an understating of Covid at lot has changed for him in a short period of time a new baby no nursery and not doing the things he would normally do. Maybe trying some 1:1 outside might help

Helloyouthere · 17/05/2020 10:36

My boys can winge about going out. I suggest things like taking the scooter, feeding the ducks, daddy pops into a shop for a ice cream etc etc. Sometimes just wording it different helps.

Failing that you'll have to false him x

WelcomeToTheNorth · 17/05/2020 10:37

Aw that’s stressful. As the mother of an extremely wilful almost-3 year old, you have my full sympathy.

Mine (I also have a five year old)?are getting more and more lethargic. They are happy pottering in the house together and it’s getting harder and harder to get them out for walks. Once they are out they are fine but it takes ages to get shoes on etc because they just don’t fancy it. I’m a bit similar tbh. DH is usually the one marshalling has outdoors (my mental health isn’t great atm, I am realising).

It’s very easy to say “take charge, you’re the parent” when it isn’t you. Whilst you can (and should) of course do that, it is utterly soul destroying and exhausting when everything feels like a battle.

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 10:37

Call his bluff. Get ready to leave and go: We're just going to leave your brother here allllllll alone'.

My dad would have added 'I hope wee willy winky doesnt come for him while we are out and steal him away for being naughty. How scary. But I guess if that's what you want....bye kiddo'.

Hadenoughfornow · 17/05/2020 10:37

Do you know why he won't go out? Have you tried to understand historic. Even though you thinkbhe doesn't know about CV he may have picked up nits here and there, so it may be better to try and talk to him about it? There are some good resources that have been produced about how to talk to childre mn.

I do know what you are going through although my child is a couple of years older.

I tried the dragging them outside and believe me it did not help.

His fear was more about being stung. So we couldn't even have a window open. We have actually made baby steps in the last week or so. And its not quite as bad.

We have a jacket that has been sprayed with insect repellent. That seems to give him more confidence. Still not back to normal though.

Just want to say good luck. I know how hard it is, especially when you have other children.

Eggybreadleg · 17/05/2020 10:37

Get a snack he really likes and tell him he can only have it while sitting nicely in the buggy. Put newborn in sling. Put buggy outside. To get the snack (wait until he's hungry but not hangry) he has to sit nicely in the buggy. Go for a short walk around the block. Make it fun and pleasant. He's just had a new sibling and his whole routine has changed because of lockdown.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/05/2020 10:38

If it helps (a long time before lockdown) I had a battle with my almost three year old trying to get him in his buggy to leave a cafe. He was like a tiny screaming octopus. Then a very kind old man came to help while I clipped the buckle shut. My son kicked him in the face I’m not a terrible parent but it’s very very difficult if they’re that determined. Can you work out what his weakness is and exploit that? Or, depending on the age of your eldest, can they help? Children sometimes have good ideas on encouraging younger siblings...

Hadenoughfornow · 17/05/2020 10:38

*understand his thinking

NotaFreeloader · 17/05/2020 10:39

I could t have carried an angry 3 y o and a newborn/pushed a pram so I totally sympathise OP

Can you afford a double buggy ? May be easier to have the fight to get him strapped in than carry/wrestle him and once you’ve done a short walk he may get used to it.
It sounds really difficult x

Bedroomdilemma · 17/05/2020 10:39

I hear you. When you’ve three, trips out become hard work at the best of times, never mind when you’re 3 year old is being so difficult. It’s my 7 yo who won’t go out but my dh is home so I either leave him at home (getting lazier on lockdown, beforehand I just had to get out with all 3 eg school run) or we all go and he’s fine as soon as he’s out the door. I don’t have any solutions but just wanted to show empathy in light of all these messages saying just carry him. Not so easy with a newborn - and definitely not in any way enjoyable! Have you asked him why? Mine always seemed happy when he was actually out, but yours seems to stick to his guns? Is your eldest old enough to push the buggy while you carry the 3 yo for a fee mins to see if he gets used to being outside?

ScrapThatThen · 17/05/2020 10:40

It's probably become a bit of a game/toddler resistance and now he has bad associations of the trips out. You work together as parents. You tell him you are going to get him used to going out nicely again. Then you take turns and take him out once each daily. You make him a fantastic creative reward chart and stick it on the fridge. You start with the front doorstep, or the end of the path. You praise him up hugely and reward him with time doing something together. You ignore protests and praise him anyway. Be authoritative, calm and together, show him you know what is best and you are in control and that you will still parent him despite having a newborn. You raise a confident boy. Good luck.

madcatladyforever · 17/05/2020 10:40

Leave baby with DH, pick up the 3 yo and go out for an hour. Let him scream as much as he wants, keep walking.
He will soon learn he can't manipulate the entire house.
Which is what 3 year olds like to do.

Cremebrule · 17/05/2020 10:40

Could you try and get him to talk about going outside though play? My 3 year old is nearly 4 but I’ve seen her acting out things about the virus in her play that she hasn’t talked about. She’s had a few nightmares about the virus but it took a few days for her to be able to realise that it was a dream and to ask how dreams worked etc. I don’t think you can discount him just being overwhelmed and scared if he hasn’t talked about it. They pick up on so much, even if you’ve tried to shield them from the realities.

Personally, I think forcing it is likely to result in a lot of screaming and a hideous experience for all. Could you try bribery and popping out for an ice cream or other treat?

WelcomeToTheNorth · 17/05/2020 10:40

Maybe he’s acting out because of the newborn?

EducatingArti · 17/05/2020 10:41

Do some wondering
"I wonder if you are a bit worried about being outside"
"I wonder if you think there is something bad outside"
"Then some reassurance.
"I know things are a bit strange right now and you can't go to nursery but it is safe to be outside" " mummy will keep you safe outside"
I saw a 3 year old on telly saying she knew she couldn't go outside because "there was a virus prowling around". She made it sound as if she thought it was a wolf or a lion.
My bet is that he has picked up on something and is scared but can't articulate why.

Original poster

IncyWincyTincy · 17/05/2020 10:41

I'm just going to ignore those saying pick him up because he is 18kg and tall- all within his curve we was 10lb at birth.

We tried the go outside shut the door and walk, got all the way down the road and 'out of sight' he still hadn't moved.

Taking his kindle resulted in the half way down the road trip the other day before he decided it wasn't worth it.

Outing myself but today was his friends birthday and I was sure the option of a socially distanced help and birthday cake would get him out the house but it hasn't.

I can wrangle him in the car but it's due an MOT and the battery is playing up through lack of use do I'm terrified of being stranded if I do get it started.

I am the boss, which is why the TV has gone but for fucks sake im alone with 3 kids, I've just given birth, I'm a pretty fucking string person but in struggling with this.

Thank you to @xyzandabc I think we'll try that morning and afternoon when DH has some days off in the week.

OP posts:

Bedroomdilemma · 17/05/2020 10:41

Oops sorry just saw your last post, ignore where I ask if you’ve asked him!

OneJump · 17/05/2020 10:41

Sore feet? Shoes the right size? Nothing rubbing him?

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