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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

311 replies

IncyWincyTincy · 17/05/2020 10:19

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

OP posts:
lily2403 · 18/05/2020 17:53

My 3 year old is like this, but he has no choice I just get his coat and shoes on and take him out

Zoejj77 · 18/05/2020 17:58

Mine won’t go in the car.

CaptainNelson · 18/05/2020 18:00

OP, Flowers. You have a lot to deal with. I don't know if this will help, but when mine were that sort of age, I had a coat with a secret pocket. I used to hide sweets in there and tell them that if they walked (in my case, walked fast enough) the marching sweets would come. They'd have to call for the marching sweets as well. They could put their hands in my pocket and they couldn't feel/find the sweets, as they didn't know where the secret zip was. They thought I was magic (ah those were the days). Anyway, I wondered if something sort-of-magical like this, and a special/unusual and immediate treat, might work. You could try it first marching around the house/garden, then maybe the sweets won't come any more unless you go outside, etc etc. Of course, you may have to find a way to fashion a hidden pocket, which I realise might not be that helpful with 3 kids and a newborn ... but a variation on that theme?
Good luck x

Purpleartichoke · 18/05/2020 18:04

I would find a time that your husband is available and then take out just the 3yo. Have a goal in mind. Make it exciting. That could be a destination where he can look at something interesting or maybe to blow bubbles or maybe paint rocks and to leave them outside for people to find.

I understand not being able to physically force a child short of an emergency. People who say just force them probably haven’t ever had to deal with a toddler who is terrified and injuring you as you try to physically move them. My dd used to leave awful bruises on me. I would never have been able to pick her up In that situation with a newborn nearby.

Shell4429 · 18/05/2020 18:08

It sounds like he may have been affected by the new baby and perhaps doesn’t want to go to nursery and thinks that’s where he will end up if you go out. Three year olds almost always have some anxiety when a younger sibling is born. I don’t know what you can do but I certainly don’t agree with taking him out by force. Maybe some gentle encouragement, lots of talking and maybe a star chart for when you can get him out of the door. Ask him why.

FelicisNox · 18/05/2020 18:13

I think it's time to get the health visitor on the phone.

You say newborn but don't say how old.... any baby under 6 weeks should not be going out anyway as they've not had their jabs, anything over that is fine.

Instead of suggesting the park why don't you say "I feel like going to the shops for some sweets, what do you think?" Or suggest a picnic in the park.

You do need to find out what's behind this, ignoring a fear is not the way to tackle this but if he's just being an ass there must be a way around this.

Instead of arguing with DH why don't you leave the baby with him and just take DS out on his own using some of the suggestions above? There is zero need for you all to go out together, much less get into a screaming match in front of the kids.

HappyintheHills · 18/05/2020 18:13

Well done! You asked for help, found the useful to you comments and got out, you even gave great feedback regarding the less helpful comments.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 18/05/2020 18:16

@FelicisNox babies are allowed out from birth, jabs or no jabs, they’re not dogs!

babychange12 · 18/05/2020 18:19

Op I feel your pain as also have a newborn and 3 year old . The 3yo went through a phase of refusing to go out as well and it was hard going.

Eventually he told us that he was tired walking so now he goes in the buggy and baby comes in the sling. I also bribe him with haribo but needs must Blush

I totally get how hard it is and sometimes I do feel like slipping into PND. It's a horrible time

Shona52 · 18/05/2020 18:22

You need to take control of this battle or you will have a hell of a time down the road. As hard as it will be for a few days once he knows he can’t win it will get easier. Have to be a tough mummy for now.

kennycat · 18/05/2020 18:31

I have a 5 and 7 year old that are similar. They are really hard to get to leave the house, even going into the garden!

It’s so frustrating. I usually just drag them out anyway, or chuck their shoes into the drive or something. The5 year old usually enjoys it once out but the 7 year old will have a face like thunder throughout if she doesn’t want to go out.
I feel your pain. It’s so weird!

NeverForgetYourDreams · 18/05/2020 18:34

My DD14 can still be a nightmare when he's been on tech. I suspect your younger DS is the same. I would limit kindle time - instead watch things together on the big screen. Hard I know because it's easier to give them tech (we've all been there) but it's not good for some children's behaviour. I can always tell when my DS has had too much computer time.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 18/05/2020 18:34

*DS not DD

Hygge123 · 18/05/2020 18:41

I really feel for you. A stubborn 3 is not so easy to just pick up when you have new born too. My now 17 year was a nightmare at that age and it would take 2 of us to get him in a car seat sometimes. The tantrums were truly dreadful and I couldn’t manage without physical help (He’s lovely now - so it didn’t last!)

Can you try a gentle approach combined with bribery? Maybe start by putting a favourite toy just outside the door so he can still feel safe. Perhaps your eldest could be persuaded to help by playing with him on the doorstep. He’s probably picked up on the fear we all have of going out - and it’s hard to explain it to a 3 year old Good luck. It sounds so difficult, and I’m sure you’re desperate to get out!

sufferingsandra · 18/05/2020 18:58

Presumably your DH doesn’t work 7 days a week. On his day off you get your three year old and take him out. If he has a tantrum you keep on going.

Honestly you’re being dictated to by a three year old.

DamnYankee · 18/05/2020 19:15

His schedule has been disordered and there's a new baby (which no-one consulted him about). He's exerting some control and probably enjoying winding you up. They do that at all ages Hmm

Get him a magnifying glass (plastic, obv.). Go on a bug hunt.
Let him push a baby doll ("his" baby) or a favorite toy or stuffy in a doll stroller.

If all else fails, you might have to pick him up.

Poor DD needs to get out as do you.

BunsyGirl · 18/05/2020 19:20

OP Are you giving him plenty of warning about going out? My DS2 (now 6) hates change and cannot suddenly stop what he is doing. We have to describe what is going to happen and tell him when it will happen. He is very much a man of routine and he has suffered anxiety over the course of lockdown because things have changed so much. Anxiety often manifests as bad behaviour in young children. My DS2 used to have the worst tantrums at the school gates (when he had just turned 5). Some of the other mums thought it was bad behaviour and I would get “the look”. He was actually panicking as he was so anxious about going in and he had to have months of counselling to sort it out.

Jack80 · 18/05/2020 19:21

Tell him he will get a treat for going, if you have a double pram strap him in it or even better just carry him into the car and say we are going out.

BabiesOneSleepNone · 18/05/2020 19:29

OP I had exactly the same thing with my almost 3 year old a few weeks ago. I also have a new baby and was really struggling. I think even thought they don’t get what’s going on they’re picking up more than we realise.

Like some other posters have said, make going out about something he loves to do. Walk to the pond to feed the ducks, walk to the park for a picnic or just bribe him with a kinder egg - that’s what worked for me. We’re a few weeks on and if I say now ‘let’s go for a walk’ I get crying and her wanting to stay at home, but if I say ‘let’s take some cake to the park for a picnic’ she’s happy to go. Or download his favourite program onto an iPad and let him watch it in the pram on the way?!

Good luck OP - I feel your pain!

MotherofTerriers · 18/05/2020 19:30

could you do pebble painting, then each hide a painted pebble on a walk. Go back next day to see if anyone has taken them and hide another one?

MyWitzEnd · 18/05/2020 19:40

You are allowing him to refuse to go out at 3? Prepare mentally for him refusing to come in at 13

icansmellburningleaves · 18/05/2020 20:00

Did you say three years old. You’re being ridiculous. You are the parent. He doesn’t get to choose. Put the baby in a sling and put the three year old in a pushchair. He’ll soon get distracted. He doesn’t know what he wants at that age.

mrsBtheparker · 18/05/2020 20:09

3 year olds don't make these decisions, otherwise he'll be great at 13!

StayAtHomeDogMum · 18/05/2020 20:23

Perhaps read at least the OP's responses before posting?

Localocal · 18/05/2020 20:26

I think you need to enlist more help from DH with this. I would try strapping 3yo in the stroller and putting baby in a sling (Is oldest child big enough to push the stroller?) But I know just how furiously and determinedly a toddler can fight about these things, and it will not be a fun outing. So if that goes as badly as expected I would insist on help from DH. We have long light evenings now, so even if he works outside the home he should be able to take the older two children out for an hour when he gets home, carrying the kicking, screaming 3yo if necessary. Carry him to the nearest park, plonk him on the grass, play ball with the oldest until he decides to join in. This may take some time. Repeat for a week and he will probably get over whatever his issue is. And you will get an hour of peace with baby, which you should not spend tidying or cooking but should instead spend lying on the sofa with baby drinking strong Ribena and watching Grey's Anatomy. Or whatever.