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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

311 replies

IncyWincyTincy · 17/05/2020 10:19

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

OP posts:
chamchick26 · 19/05/2020 00:05

Behaviour is a form of communication.....
A new baby had arrived - tired, busy mummy
Lockdown-the world as we know it has suddenly changed.
Children feed off us... For reassurance, for guidance, to make sense of the world.
Is he needing some mummy time, is he anxious.... Lots of questions

SusieOwl4 · 19/05/2020 00:20

Love the idea of the little tykes camera .

Pansypath · 19/05/2020 01:22

I have only read a few of your posts op not the whole thread. I also have three though the youngest is 4 and he is now the size of a seven year old so I too couldn’t pick him up properly at that age and I hadn’t just given birth.
Lockdown has led to a lot of control issues with my kids. They can’t control what is going on around them but they can control what they eat or refusing to go out etc. Can you give him a lot of choices so he is in control of things eg do you want ham or cheese in your sandwich, do you want a hug or a kiss etc. Also bribery eg I am going to give the other two a lollipop on my walk but you only get one if we are out.
Do you have a double buggy (sorry not read the whole thread)? Maybe that would help.
Maybe some is a reaction to new sibling not just lockdown so also worth loads of reassurance about still loving him etc. Sorry I am sure you are doing this already. Good luck, it sounds so hard.

NeveAmeliasnana · 19/05/2020 02:30

Do you have anyone you can call on to mind him. My just 4 granddaughter started refusing to go out a few weeks ago and my dd called me in desperation. I went and spent the afternoon with gd (outside and socially distanced) while mum and dad went out. She was so miffed that they went out without her it’s been no problem since.

12stepCAKE · 19/05/2020 03:02

I used to tell mine. You have 5:minutes to have shoes on and ready to go or I go without you. Then proceed to get ready and open the door. Wait outside. He won't want to be On his for more than a few minutes. I never closed the door. Just stood outside with it opem

VK456 · 19/05/2020 05:23

I haven’t read all of the replies, but I had the same problem with my 3 year old granddaughter for a time when her parents were unable to pick her elder brother up from school. I couldn’t be late for school and I’m sure she picked up on that. I just couldn’t physically pick her up due to some health issues I have. It was a nightmare. I was fortunate in that she would get in the old pushchair, but pushing the darn thing up hill and down dale - oh my! I can really empathise with you.

myself2020 · 19/05/2020 05:39

Seriously. Just go into your back garden. Why the need to endanger your and your children’s life’s by going out and risking a deadly virus?!
holy hell, dramatic much? not surprised so many kids are panicking! garden is ok for a couple if days (and will have to be ok if you are shielding) but unless you own a mansion or a nursery its neither enough exercise nor stimulating enough everyday for months!

EdwinaMay · 19/05/2020 06:09

I don't agree with the being strict or forcing a 3 year old.
He isn't a robot. There will be a reason for this which he isn't articulating.
I would think bribery is best.
Can you have a fun picnic in the garden (but baby is too little) then suggest one in the park. Can you play football at home (but baby is too little) then suggest playing in the park.

Laaalaaaa · 19/05/2020 06:35

Perfect parent brigade out in force here. Guarantee you’d be the first screaming ‘social services now’ if she took your advise to ‘parent your child’ and dragged him out the door.

BadBadBeans · 19/05/2020 06:54

Wow, lots of people here who don't know what it's like to have a strong/ heavy 3yo and a baby at the same time. I do OP and I would also find it impossible to get mine outside with the baby if he refused. Here's an idea... Rather than going out as a family of four at the weekend, can you leave DH with the baby and just you go out with your 3yo and make it fun? Do a 'treasure hunt' for him and if he finds all the things on the hunt he gets a reward before you go home? (I know you shouldn't use food as bribery... But I'm thinking chocolate...) Start with a really short hunt. Then try to go on a longer one the next day?

SnoozyLou · 19/05/2020 06:55

My 2 year old has just learned the word “no”. Everything is “no”. “Do you want to go outside?” “No” “Do you want to go to the beach?” “No”

Do I just dress him and take him and he’s happy as Larry, but screams the place down when it’s time to leave as he really did enjoy himself after all.

SnoozyLou · 19/05/2020 06:57

Oh.... our baby hasn’t arrived yet. Yes, I can see that would make it a million times harder 🥴

Original poster
IncyWincyTincy · 19/05/2020 07:40

It's cheering me up to know that even my child who sometimes refuses to go outside knows you need to get to read all the pages of a book before you know what happened 😂. Apparently some of the posters on here- the shouty ones- don't have the capacity to understand that.

I did drag him out yesterday because we actually had to be somewhere but it was distressing. And I'm smart enough to realise that if I show him the only way I will overcome him refusing to do something is by physical force, I'll be fucked in a few years when he realises he is too big and too strong for me to do it.

I'd much rather raise a child who can explain and work through.

Imagine if I sent a child into school in a few years who thought the only way someone could get him to do something was by force- the poor teachers!

Anyway DH has a rare morning off from endless shifts and overtime so we can get out together today.

OP posts:
Malysh · 19/05/2020 08:09

Well, you're right OP but at the same time I'm not sure I like the idea of bribery. Bribing him to do something he should be doing is basically telling him he's in charge, and that throwing tantrums gets him a reward.

I do get that it makes your life easier in the short run but it may make it harder in the long run.

I would explain to him why it's important to go out (I'm sure you already have) and if he refuses, punish him accordingly (take away TV is good, then keep taking things away until he complies). It's not just about going out, it about a three year old doing what his parents tell him to do. He's allowed to be scared, he's allowed to ask for comfort or other things, he doesn't get to dictate what is going on in the house.

At the end of the day he'll get tired of sitting in a room empty of toys, on time out, with no dessert at mealtimes, is my guess ?

If it doesn't work then maybe try something else but I'd start with this and keep it up for a few days at least.

YouDancin · 19/05/2020 09:35

@IncyWincyTincy Sorry you are going through this.

My DS went through a really anxious phase. It looked like bad behaviour but later we realised it was anxiety masking it.
He was also taking montelukast / singulair - an asthma medication that had a side effect of causing anxiety / aggression - although it took us a few years to work that one out.
He's probably all churned up with routine changed and the "interloper" baby taking his mum away on top of the C19 changing everything.

I hope you sort it all out. It's a very tough time when the baby is new and you have an older child. Not like the golden days of just you and the first born.

RedskyAtnight · 19/05/2020 09:38

Guarantee you’d be the first screaming ‘social services now’ if she took your advise to ‘parent your child’ and dragged him out the door.

Sometimes there isn't a choice. I regularly had to drag my 3 year old out the door so we could go and pick her brother up from school. Yes, I could have had someone else on standby to pick him up, but not a fan of the badly behaved child getting attention over the one that isn't.

RedskyAtnight · 19/05/2020 09:40

I'd much rather raise a child who can explain and work through.

I think that's very admirable. Unfortunately a 3 year old is probably not mature enough to understand that, so once he's refused to accept all your explanations, sometimes they just have to do "whatever it is" because there isn't a choice.

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2020 10:41

@ClassicCola
Why don't you RTFT! before sticking your oar in?

Now where's the fun in that?

MN would shut down!

ClassicCola · 19/05/2020 11:02

The OP resolved the issue after some good advice from parents who were understanding. The twats who pile on with words of wisdom like 'He is 3, you are the adult... Get him out the door & grow a pair!' after only reading the OP make themselves look stupid.

LizzyA123 · 19/05/2020 11:50

Have you got a buggy board? They clip on the back of the buggy so toddlers can stand on them and be pushed along with the buggy when they get tired or don’t want to walk

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2020 13:09

@ClassicCola

i completely agree.

The post after yours proves the point.

Gemma2019 · 19/05/2020 16:05

Could you get him a buggy board for the pushchair? Mine loved the buggy board at that age.

sunshinemode · 19/05/2020 21:16

I am sure that you have tried all the bribery and dragging a mother can before posting on here. I work with kids and usually when there is a big change in behaviour something has happened. From your post a lot of somethings have happened.All the adults are acting strangely the children are not going to school. He has a new baby and his older sibling is also taking up your attention. I would think that he is very unsettled if not down right scared.
I would start by doing something he enjoys doing for a 15 mins a day..his time his choice, lots of praise and noticing of good behaviour. Then start talking not in his time about things you used to do with him as a baby building up to things you enjoyed outside and see if you can get his interest that way. Maybe try taking him outside without the others when Dad is home. He is worried and showing it in the only way he knows as a3 year old. Help him find the words to express his upset.

Gemma2019 · 19/05/2020 21:26

Apologies - I somehow missed the previous million posts about buggy boards before mine Blush

Phoenixrising1 · 20/05/2020 20:06

No advice, but just a response for the 'just pick him up' brigade. DS is now a 12 year old giant, I remember only too well a phase like this when as a massive 3 year old I couldn't pick him up, at 7 he picked me up suddenly once from behind! If he didn't want to go somewhere it was hellish and nursery run before work was a nightmare. We just had to persevere and eventually he decided to co operate, after a few painful months.

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