DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

I fee your pain! I had this trouble too. Only thing that helped me was a scooter and it's light enough to carry if they refuse to get on it.

I'd imagine if has more to do with the new bubs than anything else.

Could your DH mind him while you go for walks without him? You must be cracking up in the house.

Sorry i disappeared - WE WENT OUT ON A WALK.

This morning I just felt hopeless and like a failure. Because yes, i know that I am the boss. But there is just so much going on right now mentally it had just hugely got me down.

There was lots of very helpful advice on this thread though - and special thanks to @xyzandabc, @Bedroomdilemma and @ScrapThatThen for your posts. I found them really helpful. He did actually let me get him dressed, and I gave him fair warning. I think the no TV definitely helped as I was able to say I would reward him with it when we got home. Unfortunately despite his great weight he really isn't that interested in food and treats!

What works for one won't work for another, which is why I posted in desperation to see what had worked for others in this predicament. So a big thank you to all those who suggested things. Even those who just said 'pick him up' - but please do think about how you are saying this - not everyone has a light child, or no other children! Or even 'you are the boss' well yes I am aware of that which is why he doesn't snack throughout the day, or get TV when he demands it, but this was something I couldn't overcome with physically or with discussion.

I'm feeling a lot more positive now, no doubt helped by getting outside!

@dollytots I agree, I have seen the same thing with my dc to some extent. I think that once we start going out again more like we used to it will be better.

I wonder why so many posters are basically barking orders at the OP?
Someone has asked for advice about a situation and there some really interesting and helpful posts. However I am genuinely wondering why some people are so rude and curt. It is a strange time for everyone and if someone asks for advice I feel we should all try and be a bit more considered when we reply.

Just saw your update OP, all good!!

Well done OP!

Glad you managed to get out. Amazing how stubborn kids can be.

I get where you’re coming from mine are 4 and 6. I can pick the 4yo up (admittedly I don’t have a baby) but I usually have to get dh (wfh) to pick up the big boy. It’s become a massive game because they know I hate getting them to leave the house! HOWEVER once we are out they are fine.
In your case I think you need to bribe . Favourite biscuit? TV on return.

Sorry had not rtft. Really pleased you got him out.
I know it’s a battle. I started off getting mine out every day but can’t face that now due to resistance so aim for a longer outing every other day.

Hi OP, mine are older now but the horror of trying to get a stubborn 3 year old to follow orders while juggling a baby came flooding back reading this. Very happy to hear you got out - well done! The only thing that worked for us was buying a buggy board for the toddler to ride on.

I've scanned through your posts OP but can't see that you've put it anywhere, apologies if you have, but how old is your oldest child?

IncyWincyTincy Please don’t feel like a failure. You’ve got so much on your plate and lockdown is such a challenging time with small people. Glad you managed to get him out though.

Brilliant

Great update OP. I don’t know if it makes you feel any better but both my kids would often refuse to go out around that age, absolutely no reason why that I could fathom. They did both grow out of it and I found ways to get them out the door but it was reallly reallly aggravating at the time!

Brilliant! I'm sure you have,but don't hold back from saying how much fun it was to go out with him and how much you enjoyed being out together...

OP, I've RTFT and see that you have now been out successfully - but just wanted to add something that has always helped my children, in case you need ideas for future use.

They quite often couldn't/wouldn't tell me what was the matter - but they could always tell their favourite stuffed animals, one way or another. Sometimes they would get very angry with the animals (I remember DS threatening to cut the legs off one of his toys - he had had a very bad day at school); sometimes they would tell the animals what was worrying them. The animals all had their own special voices not Mummy putting on a silly voice and the DC responded to them.

I've dealt with fears this way (e.g. Floppy Rabbit is scared of flying things - how can we help him?)

I shouldn't be talking about this in the past tense, in fact, as the children are now 15-18, and will still tell their old stuffed toys things that they won't tell me. I have, in extremis, sometimes had to use a sock or something close to hand (Mr Sock wants to talk to you...)

I realise this sounds completely demented, but it can sometimes help (along with bribery).

There's no way I could have lugged any of mine around when they were 3. They were enormous babies, enormous toddlers, and immensely tall now. I am so tiny that I couldn't even get a sling to fit me, so there was no chance of that working. If you can't do it physically, you have think of other ways to get them to do what you need them to do.

Result

Oh I am pleased

Excellent update. Now you've done it once, it'll get easier.

My youngest is 8 now but even now it is so much more helpful with him to let him know in advance what is going to happen especially if it's a new thing. He's almost always fine when we get there but, for him, the thought of going somewhere or doing something new is far worse than the actual thing. He even admits it himself now.

In the past we have found pictures online of perhaps the house we will stay in on holiday or the park we are going to, just so it's not a surprise to him and it helps enormously with his worries. My older 2 are nothing like that and are generally happy to just go with the flow.

So for a walk round the block, a 10 min warning is good enough but a whole day trip to a new place might need a few days notice and a holiday a few weeks of talking about it and what it might be like. Just to let him digest the idea before he has to do it.

Now the kids are settled having their lunch and I;ve read all responses I just wanted to take a moment to say why it is SPECTACULARLY UNHELPFUL to simply shout 'PARENT HIM' 'YOU ARE THE BOSS' 'JUST PICK HIM UP' when someone is asking for advice.

Now i appreciate that in my OP I could have maybe supplied a little more info - DS is a big but just turn 3 year old, my baby is 7 weeks old today and I am still suffering the after effects of SPD, and DH works in the emergency services so he is obviously not around a lot at the moment!

But I asked for advice, and tried my best to explain why the whole 'just pick him up' wouldn't work - logistically and physically. I also wanted to look for ways to positively address what was going wrong so that I could change it not overcome it temporarily (if that makes sense).

The PARENT HIM and YOU ARE THE BOSS comments are also unhelpful - and here is why. From my OP it was clear that I had just had a baby and was feeling emotional. Do you really think telling someone who could well be on the verge of PND with no support network because we are in LOCKDOWN is a sensible idea? I've not even seen a health visitor!
I actually think I am quite a 'parenty' parent - if they don't like what they get for dinner - no alternative. They want a snack I've said no to - I WILL stand in front of the cupboard and physically stop them from having it. While I typed this DS tried to sneak off and eat his lunch on the sofa - he sat at the table when I told him no because I actually do have some authority from him!

I posted asking for advice on one particular problem, obviously exacerbated by a change of routine and compounded by a new baby. I was looking for constructive ideas, and I received lots of them! Even some of the 'just pick him up' ones came with helpful suggestions like buggys and slings - but not all.

Anyway, that's my little reply. Thank you to all those who helped me get out the house - i think we all feel better for it!

PS DD is 5, I have a buggy board he won't use, I can't get him in the buggy with baby strapped on as he lashes out and I'm not fast enough to get baby in the sling when i've got him in the buggy before he escapes! We drive to nursery as the closest one is a drive away and obviously I can get him in the car seat last and get going when we do. Hope that answers questions people had!

I have a 2.8 year old who is 16.5 kg and a newborn so I totally understand where you are coming from . There whole life is turned upside down can’t do anything that involves your normal routine . Mentally tiring and being physically tired with a newborn it’s twice as hard to stay ahead of them !! Our little one is happy pottering at home ! The only way I can get her out for a walk is in the bottom of a Phil and Teds buggy with the front empty while she occupies herself on my phone !! Baby in a sling ! It looks ridiculous but only way I can get out and get some fresh air for us all . Hopefully he gets interested in going out again soon for your sanity . It is hard work such terrible timing having a newborn with no help or anywhere for a change of scenery .

He’s 3 for gods sake , you’re the boss not him. Pick him up and take him out reassuring him all is well.

Hurrah! Hope that’s the damn broken & you have lots more lovely walks ahead of you

Have you tried talking to him op. And also, bribing doesn't have to be food. Can be anything. TV. New clothes. Cuddles. A sticker. Etc. It's not fair on the 5yo and the baby to not go outside at all. Not to mention unhealthy. You say you might be on the verge of pnd. I had it. It is no picknick. But especially cially then: go. Out. Because locking yourself in just makes things worse. And if he screams. He screams. Eventually he will give in/ give up. Also after an hour of screaming he will be so hoarse that if you try it again the next day, he won't be able to produce any annoying decibels. Try also to focus on the oldest. Focus on the fun. The joy. The reason why you wanted to have 3 kids. It's not all about you are the parent be the responsible one, but of course to a sensible degree. It. Is. He is just exercising his threeneger 'rights'. But those are habits better broken then obeyed to. Do you have a garden by any chance? Would he go outside there? And I like the Idea that someone mentioned on here of a balance bike. But I guess that depends on your kid. Maybe even try to find something on Jo frost. She ways had these amazing techniques to get the most stubborn kids to listen and clean their act up. It must be tiring for you as a new mum. But you have to make a stand. Otherwise you are just enabling him and your other kids are being punished for it. Good luck.

Glad you got out OP.

If I was to hazard a guess I would say it's not just the Covid situation but more so the fact you have a 7 week old that's causing the change in his behavior. That's what "flipped the switch" as you said. A new sibling is a huge, huge upheaval in a child's life in normal circumstances never mind during a pandemic. Even if he appears to have adapted to the baby it will have rocked his foundations.

I hope things settle down for you soon. I have a three year old and she has also refused to go out and point blank refuses to get out of her pajamas and if I wrestle her into clothes she'll bide her time and strip the off the first chance she gets! Luckily we live in the middle of nowhere so no one is going to see my half naked child screaming in the cold and report me to ss! I now insist she goes out but I don't even bother with the clothes it's not worth the battle- I just throw a coat and wellies over her pjs and off we go