DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

This sounds so stressful OP and I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

So you've got a newborn, school age child and a three year old? Bloody nightmare even with school/nursery up and running. Can't imagine the stress that this must be right now. It can take some children months to adjust to a new baby in the family, and it's a tough time for all.

Where is your dh in all this? You mention that you have one, but why is getting your children out of the house only your problem?

I think you need to focus on your own well-being and then think about how to tackle your ds's refusal to leave the house.

It sounds like it would do you good to get out and your other two children as well. Focus on that at the moment.

If your dh is wfh, then leave the 3 year old with him while you take the other two out. Both of you need to plan and organise how to get your car safely on the road - this will buy you a lot of freedom.

If your dh i's going out to work, can you work out an outing with the other two when he's at home either early morning or evening, and the weekends?

If your ds is generally content at home, I would focus on the rest of the family and let him be for a bit longer tbh.

It must be really odd for children to suddenly have to avoid people but not understand why exactly. I wonder whether he’s picked up on that, or overheard conversations/news where he’s understood a small part of the ‘Stay Home’ message.

Could you record the part of the government statement about being allowed to exercise outdoors for as long as you like, but cut off the stay at home part, then put it on a loop on TV for a while?

Would it help to forget about going out out for a bit, with him at least, and ask him to help you with jobs - putting the milk bottle in recycling (if that's outside) etc. Just a very small, short trip out of the door but something he's helping you with? Mine both love a job to do and it takes away from the pressure on him of "we're going out whether you like it or not". Maybe build up from there? I'm not one for dragging them kicking and screaming somewhere, he's doing it for a reason.

If and when schools go back and you've got the school run to factor in, then there needs to be a plan that involves your dh as well.

Really difficult to carry an angry 3 year old and a baby without risk to baby. I have had several incidents, mostly involving leaving places with baby in a sling and angry 3 year old under my arm, because that position minimises the strength of any flails that catch the baby. I can do about 15 metres before I have to put her down (and she is like 9th centile for weight!

Is he starting school in September? If he is, maybe say that his teacher has asked him to take photos of where he lives, or has set a scavenger hunt, so it distracts him and gives him something to do.
If not, maybe say Father Christmas has to update his maps, and as the elves can't leave the North Pole, he's enlisting him to take photos of how to get to his house?

I would break it down into smaller chunks.

Today we are going to play in the front hall for 20 mins with the front door open. Repeat for two days, then sit on the doorstep with your feet outside and have a snack, repeat. Then take snack to the parked car and eat it sitting inside, repeat. Then take snack to the pavement etc.

Each time do only what you talked about and then come straight back inside with lots of happy chatting about how fun it was and that you are looking forward to tomorrows session. Spend each morning talking about what the outside experience is for that day so he has time to think about it and normalise it. If you can manage it, do it while the baby is napping so it is time for just the two of you.

It’s far more likely to be a new baby sibling problem than a lockdown problem.
Explain that you want to go see the ducks/climb in the trees but baby can’t do those things & will probably be boring & go to sleep so could your special boy come & do those with you. Or ask him to use a map to plan a walk or do a spotting sheet for you - baby can’t use the pencil etc
Or can you ask him to come for a wee walk with you while baby stays at home with dad?

Good luck 3 yr olds are hard!

He may well have picked up conversations between you and your husband or snippets on the radio or TV which have caused him to be frightened of going outside. He will definitely have picked up on the fact that life is different right now and with no clear calm explanation to fit this into any kind of content he's become fearful. Maybe hunt down the Julia Donaldson pictures on social distancing, so he can have some understanding of what's going on right now.
On a side note, I would reintroduce the TV. He may need the comfort and familiarity of his favourite TV shows and with a newborn in the house, you need a break.
I'd also have word with your health visitor. They are usually full of wisdom! Good luck!

Maybe talk to him about it .Explain that there has been a nasty bug going about ,but you are unlikely to catch it if you go outdoors ,and keep away from other people by about 2 scooter length or whatever .He may have picked up on it as you and DH may have spoken about it?/heard it on TV or wherever.Children are better kept informed in a simple way I find .Its not practical to drag him out ,he will get upset and it can become an issue .Maybe bribe him ,"we will go out and feed the ducks and have an ice cream when we get home " works better than threats !

He's 3, parent him. Just TAKE him out of the house.

Put him in the buggy and carry the newborn. His legs will probably be tired if he's not done much walking anyway.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but I remember those days vividly. It’s so frustrating. The sling is essential! Snacks was my friend. Little incentives, a bit of distraction and a strong buggy strap. And a thick skin for all the comments from the grannies with said screaming child strapped in the buggy.

Good luck!

@Sevo7 are you my mother?

She let on that she did this right through my childhood! Right up to going shopping as a teenager and telling me she liked whatever monstrosity I had picked in TammyGirl and she hated something in M&S.

Evil bloody genius that woman.

We have three children - in my experience, more thought does need to go into supporting the middle one so they feel they have the same amount of support as the other two... otherwise you get the well behaved older child, the baby and the middle one who opts out or defies - and that carries on no matter their ages. Hence the whole “middle child syndrome”.
I’m sure you are exhausted and I have every sympathy for that but 3 young children are your choice and your responsibility. Lockdown certainly won’t be helping all this. A few days of sofa surfing whilst you get some rest even if your eldest does get a bit bored isn’t going to damage anyone. If you get rest (as much as is possible in the circumstances) a solution to helping your child will be so much easier to find.
If I’m sounding harsh, it could well be because my parents were so busy prioritising their emotions and needs, that they found my siblings and mine a damned inconvenience and uncopable with - so we got give the message that struggling and needing support was an unacceptable nuisance...that is how toxic shame develops...my parents were give a legacy of toxic shame, they tried their very best and loved us I know but they still, unknowingly, passed it on & I’m trying my hardest not to pass it on to my children.

I'd go with just him on dh day off (either you or dh take him out). Can you draw pictures of things to find on your walk, post box, blue door, sign, dog, tape to a piece of cardboard as a clipboard. Go on a treasure hunt with it and get him to tick/circle when he finds them.

Break the cycle of the issue.

I feel for you OP; that all sounds very tough. I had the same thing with my 4 year old. Here's what worked for us, after 6 days of my little one refusing to step foot outside:

1. I asked him if he was afraid of going out because he thought he would catch the virus. He said yes, we had a chat about it, and hopefully it resolved some of his fear.

1. Bribery - I have no option but to take him food shopping with me, so I used this as a reason to get him out. 'We need to go out to buy food. You can choose one small treat when we're in the shop, for being a good helper.'

1. I suggested we go to the small green area near the end of our street (instead of the park, which is a longer walk), with the added incentive of using outdoor toys he loves but hasn't played with in ages - the combination of no people and the joy of squirting me with the water pistol won him over. Each day I suggested a different toy we take with us, like chalk, a magnifying glass, his dumper truck etc.

1. My little one loves art / craft, and loves it when I put his drawings on the wall. So I asked him to come out to help me find some different shaped leaves, which we could use to trace onto paper at home to make a picture. We've also made a collage with other collected bits and pieces, and used different shapes to paint with.

Now he still refuses to go to a big park, but at least we get a bit of time outside each day.

Perhaps you / your DH could also try taking your 3 year old out for a brief walk 1:1, while the other adult stays home with the remaining kids? If that works once, gradually build up the time your 3 year old is outside and venture a bit further?

Good luck. I can only imagine how stressful this is for you.

Could you wait until DH is home and then either you or he take the 3 year old out by himself? With or without buggy?

If the only buggy you have is being used for the baby, he may not want to go in it as he'll see it as babyish. Get him a 'big boy' buggy board. Make a fuss of choosing it with him so he's invested in it but then get it delivered to a friend's house so you have to walk with him to collect it (obvs at a safe distance!).
Also, make sure he knows there's a treat that he likes when you return from your walk. Make sure you don't go too far so he's not getting tired.
My DD, at 3, would walk for about 10 yards then sit down insisting on being carried, so I feel your pain.

Or DH could stay with the newborn while you take the older two out (sorry can’t remember how old you third child is?).

I suspect this has a lot to do with a new baby coming along. A buggy board was a lifesaver when I had a toddler and a newborn. I think I'd be inclined to go with bribery and keep some smarties on me. I also found giving them a job or making them feel helpful helped. Like asking him to carry something that you need, or even letting him bring along a small toy. Just remember this phase will pass

Have you got many rainbows around you? You could go on a rainbow hunt. First one to see 10 rainbow pictures gets a treat?

Ignore the shit posts from unhelpful people. I struggle to get my 3 year old out sometimes and I don't have 2 other children to deal with. If you've recently given birth I think you're doing really well just getting through the day. It can be a massive struggle just with 1 baby. People on here are not being at all understanding. Not all kids are the same! You can't just grab them kicking and screaming and carry them if your body physically isn't ready and you have a small baby to deal with. The best I can offer is hope- I know my 3 year old has a week or 2 of loving outdoors and then a few days of wanting to stay in. He switches back and forth. So I hope he gets back to enjoying it soon, for all your sanity

I'm not sure just saying you need his nursery to open will solve this unless you normally have some one else to come and pick him up and take him to nursery, and then I'm not sure how they could do this in a socially distanced manner. You still have to get him to nursery which is outside the house.
Can you go out with just him leaving oldest and youngest with their Dad at home, so you are only having to deal with him and also the reward for him going out is your undivided attention?
Just a suggestion, possibly I ought to know reasons why it was crap of me even to suggest it. I'm sorry.

Yes a rainbow hunt is a good idea....

You can buy mini clipboards and pens..he could draw a dot everytime he sees one.

Then he gets a prize