DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

You’re allowed to picnic now I think? So you endnote your eldest could work together in front of the three year old to put together a really delicious picnic with juice, crisps, biscuits etc then when it’s time to leave be all “oh you don’t want to come? Oh well we’ll go without you but it’s a pity your missing out on this food...” (ignore if picnics still aren’t ok where you are...)

My three year old can be like this, i think she’s a bit anxious and sick of having to dive into bushes every time we pass someone in the road.
I get the baby ready and strapped into the pram to go, prepare and exciting snack, and let the three year old wear whatever weather appropriate thing she wants, and then I give her some missions - find interesting stones, pine cones, sticks for defending us against dragons etc.

Good luck OP, it’s hard with a baby and a 3 year old.

Do you drive? Can you take the kids somewhere different for a walk? I think I’d try to take him out every day at roughly the same time so it becomes a routine.

I wouldn’t worry too much about clothes, if he wants to wear his pjs so be it!

Do you have a garden?

Do you have a garden?if so maybe ease him into it. Start maybe sitting at the door, then build it up to the garden and slowly encourage him to go a walk? We usually say we're going to find dinosaurs or a cartoon character he likes.

I can wrangle him in the car but it's due an MOT and the battery is playing up through lack of use do I'm terrified of being stranded if I do get it started.

Wow. You just can’t catch a break.

MOTs are extended for 6 months. Try driving him to Kwik Fit to have them check your battery.

My DD responds well to choices (within my expectations of what I want her to do). I literally give her constant choices "these shoes or these ones" "hold buggy or hand". Works really well to give her that control she wants whilst getting done whatever it is.

Mine (5) spent a long time refusing to go out because, when I eventually got it out of him, going out meant NOT doing any of the things he'd want to do if he went out. No seeing friends or family, no going to play in the park. Just walking. They also resisted talking to people they miss on the phone.

Bribery (an ice lolly) got them out and we had the best walk.

I stopped using the buggy at 2, when one climbed out while we were waiting at a crossing. I've had walks to school where the level of strength required to stop one from running home (through several main roads) was far more than I could do while carrying / pushing a new born. So I wouldn't find any of the just force him suggestions helpful either.

Good luck.

You can definitely have picnics now, get him involved in picking out some snacks for a picnic and see if that'll excite him?

I think you need to be a bit more solution focused OP. You are finding reasons not to try. Strap in the buggy and go. The longer this goes on the harder it will be. A double buggy will be helpful when the baby gets a bit too big for a sling. Mine went up to a chunky 4year old.

I can wrangle him in the car but it's due an MOT and the battery is playing up through lack of use do I'm terrified of being stranded if I do get it started.

Get it MOT'd, stick a new battery in it. Start taking him in the car to somewhere he can run about and enjoy himself.

Yes, MOT been extended but if OP doesn't want to drive it then she can also get the car MOT'd.

Can you get him to go outside for a bit, maybe play in the front garden if you have one? Build up more gradually, if you think it's more of a fear.

Has this all started since the baby was born?

Put 3 year olds shoes in car or pram if refusing to put on and put baby in carseat or pram first then go out, avoiding carrying baby in arms or sling so have hands free for 3 year old?
Also Could you try to get 3 year old used to going out the front door first, but nearby? Weather permitting, Do you have a front garden or drive way you can set up picnic on blanket and cushions ?

Grab fruit and finger sandwiches, teddy bear biscuits, and an extra biscuit to feed teddies, etc bottles of water and Get 3 year old and older child to help set up blanket with cushions and 1 favourite storybook and 1-2 teddies.
Bring baby out in pram, next to teddy bears picnic.
Could you let the children know if they help carry all inside when finished you will have another picnic another day ?

Cross post with NamesNamesSoManyNames

He is asserting himself and pushing boundaries, trying to see what he can and can’t get away with. Sometimes you have to tell a 3 yr old what they are doing! You are in control.

Maybe make a treasure map showing him places to go round your village? We renamed things to get our 4 year old interested in going for walks, we have the secret passageway and a secret bridge on our walks to find. Or could you paint some stones with him and tell him you’re going to hide them? Some of the other children in my village painted a load of stones blue with drawings or patterns on and we go and find them on our walks.

Might be worth borrowing a buggy board and seeing if he's interested in that.

I think you need to incentivise him a bit. If he goes on the walk nicely he gets some sweets, ice cream, bake a cake, play whatever he likes when you get back. Whatever floats his boat.
Get a new car battery too, then you can go for some drives, so you are acclimatising him to being out a bit. Ours went dead through being old and then the lack of use just killed it off.

Have you got a garden? Could you start small with garden adventure type thing? Get a new toy for the garden that gets him outside?

There are a lot of terrified and traumatised kids out there at the moment (I was discussing it with one of the voluntary organisations around here dealing with child mental health and their contact rate has gone astronomic).

I've been through this a bit with DD2 who is older but has some SN and sensory issues. For her she's fixated on fear of flying things and floating things - I can only assume in her mind it's got equated with virus particles floating around. There was a thread earlier where lots of posters were commenting on the same thing - it seems to be a bit of a universal thing.

Have you tried giving him some control over where you go? A friend with a young adult daughter with ASD has found that their child was refusing to leave the house and that they will go out on a walk if they get to flip a coin at each junction and choose left or right based on that. It's kind of removed the decision making from the child themselves in their mind.

We got semi over the flying thing by playing under blossom tree catching blossom petals as they fell down - but obviously that requires getting him out the door in the first place to be able to do that. We did a lot of driving around the local area (also charged the car's battery back up in the process) rainbow-spotting (and lots have teddy bears in windows around here as well) as a halfway step... would he go in the pushchair with the rain cover on as a halfway step if you're not confident the car's viable? (but MOTs are extended as people say)

We've also been quite careful in the initial stages to make our walking route NOT a one that usually focuses on the park - because I knew we'd have a world class tantrum walking past a locked playground and then we'd get the "why do we need to go out there's no park there" line of reasoning - so we've driven a short distance to go to the local woodland so it's something different that doesn't end up negotiating locked up swings and slides.

We've also had the shoe thing because after weeks running around in socks and slippers - shoes just felt funny.

What we are doing to these children's mental health is a scandal.

How busy is your road? Can you try making a game out of it? Eg running to your front gate and back, relay races with your older child etc just to get your ds used to the idea of being outside? Then build it from there. Other ideas - throwing things (which won’t go far) to collect eg a bean bag.

One of you needs to take him out alone. He will get upset buy you need to focus on him and distract him so they it ends up being fun for him . You may need to continue to do this for a while.It may mean family walks aren't possible for a while until his anxiety about it improves.

Do you have scooter or similar?

I think you have to get out every day even if it is only to the end of the road. Build up slowly. He's obviously picked up on something being strange.

When dh is around strap in the buggy and go. If not just get him out of the house and walk away, out of sight and keep trying. It will get better.

How old is the newborn? I'm wondering if he's feeling a bit like everything is out of his control with the new baby, nursery closing and not being able to just go out and run around as normal? As someone else suggested, I'd start with taking him out on his own with him leading the way, then once you've found somewhere/something "exciting" on a walk you can maybe add the older child in so they can share the excitement. I expect it's all just overwhelming for him right now but hopefully some 1:1 time could help

Oh god we had one of these. He's still a pain to get out the house at 6 foot! Bribery and choices worked well:
Let him know the day before "oh tomorrow we are going to the park or the canal (Or whatever) to have a picnic. Which shall we choose?

Get him to help make the picnic.
Also make home boring. You say no tv but then he has a Kindle? Try no screens (claim it is broken).

Looking back my difficult/sensitive child used to find leaving he house stressful as I did. So get everything ready the day before (shoes/coats/snacks etc) as they pick on your stress. Leaving the house is stressful with 3 !
Good luck I remember it well.