DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

OP this sounds tough..

Is there any chance it's not to do with lockdown so much as the new baby? Does causing a fuss and not going out get him more attention?

Thanks so much to everyone saying pick him up as if this is some epiphany I've yet to have. I've got a newborn. How do you propose I pick him up and get her out the house?

Pick him up, put him in buggy, strap him in so he can't escape. Do the straps up under a coat or jacket if necessary. Then pick up the newborn and go. You can't let a 3yo control you like this.

I know it sounds harsh and you've said you're going to ignore comments like this, but what's the alternative? You just stay inside for months until he changes his mind?!

I haven't watched it myself as my kids have defected to Operation Ouch as they're older - but there's also a coronavirus Dr Ranj up on iPlayer now.

Sorry x post slightly with spare.

I think the fact that even when he's actually out he doesn't forget about it and enjoy suggests there's something more going on than just testing boundaries. He obviously doesn't feel safe outside the house. Can't say I do either really.

Trying to get to the bottom of it might give you a clue as to how to approach getting out of the house. Have you tried drawing with him, 'this is our house, here's us' etc or playing with toys to see what he does with the toys when they 'leave the house' (or don't)? Sometimes an easier way with kids.

The other thing is to be determined in your own mind this is going to happen. I don't mean that in a 'you're the parent' way except that sometimes your own single mindedness can transmit to the kid somehow.

Good luck. Sounds awful.

Also can you rethink the tv as a punishment as that is possibly more of a punishment for you at the moment!

I'm sorry but mine would be getting a bollocking and dragged outside kicking and screaming. They (NT children) only pull that shit when they get away with it. If you have to, put the newborn in a wrap/sling/carrier leaving you with 2 free hands, strap the 3 yo into a back pack and use the backpack handle. Or reins. Proper ones that go round the chest.

Take charge or he'll walk all over you.

I had a very wilful 3 year old that would refuse to walk and was so heavy in a buggy, it was a nightmare and no amount of me 'being in charge' would help so I really feel your pain here. It's not easy carrying a larger child and then, it sets the the expectation that you will carry then everytime and you get stuck in a battle of the wills. It's exhausting.

It sounds like there is a lot going on for him and you and you are probably both stressing each other out. My two are struggling with going for walking for the sake of it, so we call it exploring. They are helping me find new routes so I don't get lost out running. But that might be a bit old for your your DS, could you try finding s purpose for each walk? Today we are going to post a letter, today we are going to hunt for ducks, I heard the gruffalo has been seen, shall we go look for him? Mine have enjoyed looking out for the rainbows in windows as well. Then a promise of a treat when you get back, mine are partial to a hot chocolate but sometimes a favourite snack will do!

Do you have a garden? If so, is he refusing the garden? Could one parent take the other two if he refuses and gush about how much fun it was when they get back. Don't make a fuss about him staying, break the association of arguing about the walk and he might just start wanting to go again

Sending big hugs. I’m sure you’re feeling quite exhausted with a young family, including newborn and lockdown.

This is how I would look at tackling this: First things first is be as kind to yourself as possible. You will all survive this. You and your other half need to master your own anxiety/anger so that you are confident you won’t exhibit either before you try and help your child. If his behaviour results in you and your other half shouting at each other (and we’ve all been there, especially with a newborn in the mix!) then that’s the first thing that has to be mastered. A 3 year old can’t master his anxiety/anger - he needs the parents to do it for him...which can’t happen, if you’re anxious or angry yourself.

Next step, I would have the baby and older child go out for walk with one parent and the other parent stays home with 3 year old to give positive 1-2-1 attention. Lots of positive stuff for the other child on the walk too, maybe a treasure hunt type activity. Give your 3 year old as much positive 1-2-1 attention in the house whenever you can - baby sleeping, other half home etc.

Give it a week (a long time for a 3 year old) then if older child old enough to push pram, carry 3 year old child outside for a short walk, lovingly telling him that you’ve got this for him even if he’s screaming, you’ve got him safe and when he gets home, it’s time for a cuddle and a story (or equivalent).

Personally I would also get that TV back on asap- so you can get a sit down!

That’s how I would tackle it, that may way not work for you but something will. Kids pick up on frustration (“why can’t you just” thoughts in a flash in my experience - & I believe that’s going to do nothing but erodes their trust in their parents being Their safe place).

Good luck with it all. I found the first six months with a young child and a baby the hardest of my life...it will pass! It’s hard to meet the emotional needs of a young child whilst also meeting the needs of a new born baby and your own and most definitely exhausting. And lockdown is affecting everyone I know, whatever their personal circumstances. Your child’s emotional connection with you is key in my opinion - more important than whether a walk happens or not. They don’t know what’s best for them at that age. They need you to know that for them no matter how they behave. If you believe that is going out for a walk, then you need to own that and that includes sucking up their negative reaction to it without adding your own negative reaction.

Take care.

Bribe him with chocolate? A button for every ten steps?

I agree with a PP that it's much more likely to be new baby related than Covid related. You're struggling to physically manage him because of the new baby and he's realising this gives him freedom to just refuse.
How old is your other DC? Can you create a game for both of the older DC to play eg find a blue stone; spot a red car; imagine if this was Paw Patrol world, etc, etc. Try to look for fun and motivation rather than confrontation. Also, perhaps a small badge or toy that they have to show to the world or that helps to make DS3 faster/protects him. etc.

We did actually contact our GP about DS and he was pretty convinced it was linked to fear about Coronavirus.

Have you tried going out at different time of the days? We found that we could not get him out in sunshine so we would go out later. We had lots of evening walks / bike rides.

We also found there were times that temptation was too much i.e. when there was a big water gun.

Other times though even that wouldn't work.

A little tip I discovered with stubborn 3/4 years olds is that they will often to the opposite of what they are asked.

For example when Ds now 4 refuses to get dressed we say “right Ds you are not getting dressed!” And he will say “yes I am and let us dress him

Has also worked numerous times for when we’ve needed to leave the house and he doesn’t want to come. Something along the lines of “ok we’re going out but Ds you are staying here, you can’t come on our lovely walk” Usually followed by him howling that he is and putting his shoes on faster than anyone!

Not ideal but has worked for 2 sons now so might be worth a shot. I should add this has also proven successful for meal refusal, bath time and all manner of other battles. They do get wise to it eventually unfortunately

Can you try doing some indoor play with dolls and teddies? Pack up a picnic for them, pretend you are taking them to the park, talk about what you are seeing and doing on the way - he might open up a bit if something in particular is worrying him.

Is it possible to take him out one to one, the other parent stays home with the other two. Maybe try a "you choose" approach, you get to the gate "should we go right or left? You choose", you get to the end of the road, again let them choose and so on.

If he only manages to get halfway down the road before he starts to lose it, turn round and come home, don't get cross, chat positively about something you saw and talk about where you might get to next time, gently challenge him to see if he can get to the end of the road next time. Try to make being outside a fun positive thing rather than something that's stressful and negative.

Hi OP. I had an extremely obstinate 3yr old. Hence current user name. She’s grown out of the worst of it but it wasn’t long ago so I remember it well. She was way too big at that age for a buggy or carrying far at all!

You say you have a newborn, having a new sibling is a massive change for small child. Add lockdown and all the changes that brings and they are bound to have an emotional response. Being 3 that will show in difficult behaviour. Even if you have not talked much about CV I think 3 is plenty old enough to be aware something strange is going on. And that the adults around are anxious. I’d do the baby steps, play on the doorstep see what you can see outside, talk about a special picnic, plan a race to the end of the path... if you have a path?! I wouldn’t nag/cajole as that may put up more barriers.

I found the book ‘How to talk so little kids will listen’ helpful.

He doesn't need to give you a reason! He's 3, you're in charge. Or should be.

I would put the newborn in the sling and put him in the buggy. Make it really exciting for your older child to be outside and he can watch/tantrum from the buggy. If you can't use a sling wait until your husband is home for the newborn and do the same thing.

I wondered if it was also a response to the newborns arrival. I’d completely bribe to get through this and start with a small walk and maybe no siblings?

He’s a bit old but have you considered a set of reins for him?

Poor kid sounds anxious. Normal life has changed, plus he’s got a new baby sister. Don’t force him out of the house! Stop trying to “make” him. Leave it a week or two without fights about going outside, spend as much 1:1 time with him as you are able to.
Then, when your husband is home to look after the other kids, suggest you and your 3 year old go out, just the two of you, ask him where he’s like to go, and show him you’ve got his favourite snacks to eat as a picnic when you get there. I bet he will agree. You can repeat this a few times. His anxiety will lessen as he gets used to it. Yiu can gradually incorporate elder sibling into the trips out. Then finally baby and husband. And then you’re going out as a family, job done. It will take time, don’t push it.

You mentioned he’s got a kindle ? how much time does he spend on it each day? if is quite a lot , and understandable so as you have a newborn, I think is time you get rid of it, that might stop him from wanting to go out.

How about a little treasure hunt for him while the baby is asleep so the focus is on him. Little picture clues, maybe a pic of the front door, next clue in the garden etc, then next time the garden gate, then a little way up the road (post box etc?) keeping the trips really small, just for the game alone, and back inside. Working up to the park eventually, then you could hide the cards around the park. It sounds like you just need to break whatever is the fear trigger for him. Just bundling a flailing child (they double in size and weight when you do that!) under your arm is not helpful advice.

A buggy and a sling quite simple really. I’ve got 2 close together if I let the oldest dictate things in such a way we’d never have left the house for a couple of years!

Wrestle the toddler into the buggy first so you aren’t risking him lashing out at the newborn and then put the newborn in the sling. Leave house.

Feel your pain.

I do think making sure that you and dh have a pact not to shout at each other no matter what is vital. A funny phrase that you share 'welcome to happy family life' or whatever, and an agreed goal - all of you outside for 15 minutes minimum no matter how awful it is. You cannot do this if your dh is not committed and doesn't think it's important enough to tough it out. In my experience men can be absolute wet lettuces at the slightest twitch of child discomfort in public, less so in private.

Put baby in sling and toddler in pushchair?